October 10, 2008

Going Holistic In NYC

One of the things Hubby was saying to me last night was how I should try going the more holistic route. He's not a fan of the drs. recommendations of drugs and artificial treatments. So, to entertain his suggestion...

Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.


It's Just To Hard

i thought this blog would help me with this process, but i find myself not wanting to write because I don't want to deal with the issue. When i write, i have to confront my pain. it forces me to think about how i feel about our situation. And I want it to just go away. that if i ignore it, it will go away. that its all just a dream.

but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.

Yesterday was one such event.

As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.

My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.

I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.

the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.

But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.

It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.

This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.

October 3, 2008

Party Without Me

Last night when making dinner hubby told me we have a birthday party to go to on Sat. I got all exciting thinking, oh a friend is having a party and now we have a Sat night activity. Wrong. Turns out it's his partner's (at work) kid's 3 year birthday party.

What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.

He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?

I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.