So I have completely forgotten about this blog, and now it's YEARS later. I thought it would be nice for those who stumble across this depressing blog to know where I'm at.
After years of trying naturally, countless IUIs, and a failed IVF round, I finally got pregnant after an FET (frozen embryo transplant). And what do you know, I had twins. A boy and girl born August 2010. They are 19 months as I type this and the joys of my life. Unfortunately I don't have the time to write about them or the rest of the infertility journey, but for those of you who struggle, there is hope. It sucks, it hurts, and no one can ever understand the pain we go through, but keep at it. Because the end result is worth every single tear we cry.
March 12, 2012
June 5, 2009
Update
Surprisingly I've gotten a few emails asking how I've been and asking for an update.
I've been doing alright, but sadly, I'm still not pregnant.
My period is coming today, I feel it, and I'm really depressed about it.
I've been going to an RE and have done 3 cycles of double natural IUIs with trigger shots. My husband is so concerned about multiples that taking any drugs with the iui seems to be out of the question. I ovulate fine, and I always have one juicy follicle for the iui. I've had the complete b/w done and everything checks out fine. Hubby had another SA and the kroger test done, and everything is fine. (The drs are actually very impressed with his high sperm count, although his mobility count is slightly low.) I'm supposed to schedule a sonohysterogram for this week and then have another consultation with the dr. I'm preparing myself for our next step - or close to the next step: IVF with 1 embryo transfer. I'm going to have to talk it over and try to convince my husband this is the next step if we don't do drugs with iui. This will be tough, because he doesn't believe in all this. He wants me to go see another RE for a second opinion. But I'm not sure what he wants an opinion on. An iui is an iui - doesn't matter what dr you go to. But keep in mind we're going to a very good RE in nyc. This is not some rinky dink 1 man show in the boondocks.
Mentally I've been doing ok, except for the few days surrounding my period, naturally. I still get those sobbing sessions and my heart aches. But I certainly don't obsess about getting pregnant like I once did. I eat sushi and drink wine when I want. I buy clothes without thinking they may not fit in a few months. And the only charting I do is when my period comes, when I ovulate and when I get the IUIs.
It's been over 2 years since we started trying to become pregnant. When I used to read other blogs and saw a time frame like that, I was in shock that it was taking them so long. I was ignorant. So ignorant. I wish I could personally apologize to anyone I ever secretly judged about their infertility.
This is a journey I don't wish upon anyone. It's hard, it's painful and it's draining. But I continue hoping for my little miracle. A little miracle that brings so much joy and happiness. A little miracle that is mine to take care of. To feed. To hold. To love.
And with that, I continue my journey...
I've been doing alright, but sadly, I'm still not pregnant.
My period is coming today, I feel it, and I'm really depressed about it.
I've been going to an RE and have done 3 cycles of double natural IUIs with trigger shots. My husband is so concerned about multiples that taking any drugs with the iui seems to be out of the question. I ovulate fine, and I always have one juicy follicle for the iui. I've had the complete b/w done and everything checks out fine. Hubby had another SA and the kroger test done, and everything is fine. (The drs are actually very impressed with his high sperm count, although his mobility count is slightly low.) I'm supposed to schedule a sonohysterogram for this week and then have another consultation with the dr. I'm preparing myself for our next step - or close to the next step: IVF with 1 embryo transfer. I'm going to have to talk it over and try to convince my husband this is the next step if we don't do drugs with iui. This will be tough, because he doesn't believe in all this. He wants me to go see another RE for a second opinion. But I'm not sure what he wants an opinion on. An iui is an iui - doesn't matter what dr you go to. But keep in mind we're going to a very good RE in nyc. This is not some rinky dink 1 man show in the boondocks.
Mentally I've been doing ok, except for the few days surrounding my period, naturally. I still get those sobbing sessions and my heart aches. But I certainly don't obsess about getting pregnant like I once did. I eat sushi and drink wine when I want. I buy clothes without thinking they may not fit in a few months. And the only charting I do is when my period comes, when I ovulate and when I get the IUIs.
It's been over 2 years since we started trying to become pregnant. When I used to read other blogs and saw a time frame like that, I was in shock that it was taking them so long. I was ignorant. So ignorant. I wish I could personally apologize to anyone I ever secretly judged about their infertility.
This is a journey I don't wish upon anyone. It's hard, it's painful and it's draining. But I continue hoping for my little miracle. A little miracle that brings so much joy and happiness. A little miracle that is mine to take care of. To feed. To hold. To love.
And with that, I continue my journey...
November 2, 2008
Thanks
I'm sorry I haven't posted anything. And no, I'm not pregnant. I'm just trying to get away from all this - i guess what they call 'taking a break'. Not from trying the old fashion way, but a break from obsessing; a mental break. I've stopped charting, stopped posting, stopped reading others blogs (well, i still glance at them, but try not to read them, sorry), basically stopped obsessing about ttc. I didn't go to the dr this month to schedule any treatments, and have nothing planned for next month either.
I'm trying to put my mind in a better place. I've been meditating every morning, and come the new year, i'll switch my insurance and go to an re for more treatments.
Oh, and i told my mom about our situation. It went fine, as i knew it would. And i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Oh, and my sister had her baby a few days ago. He is an adorable little guy. Really so cute, and so good (so far).
I'm currently in my tww. Hubby went on a week long business trip and left on cd13, so we did what we could.
This will probably be the last post for a while. I want to thank my 3 readers for reading. I just need to get my head out of the game and go back to a normal, happy, no baby stress life. So if i remove everything thats making me crazy, maybe it will help with my mind/body connection. Thats not to say I don't think about it. I do all the time. My 26 minute meditation revolves around it. I'm just trying to leave behind all the negativity.
So again, thanks for reading, and I hope to have an update someday soon.
I'm trying to put my mind in a better place. I've been meditating every morning, and come the new year, i'll switch my insurance and go to an re for more treatments.
Oh, and i told my mom about our situation. It went fine, as i knew it would. And i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Oh, and my sister had her baby a few days ago. He is an adorable little guy. Really so cute, and so good (so far).
I'm currently in my tww. Hubby went on a week long business trip and left on cd13, so we did what we could.
This will probably be the last post for a while. I want to thank my 3 readers for reading. I just need to get my head out of the game and go back to a normal, happy, no baby stress life. So if i remove everything thats making me crazy, maybe it will help with my mind/body connection. Thats not to say I don't think about it. I do all the time. My 26 minute meditation revolves around it. I'm just trying to leave behind all the negativity.
So again, thanks for reading, and I hope to have an update someday soon.
October 10, 2008
Going Holistic In NYC
One of the things Hubby was saying to me last night was how I should try going the more holistic route. He's not a fan of the drs. recommendations of drugs and artificial treatments. So, to entertain his suggestion...
Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.
Thanks.
Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.
Thanks.
It's Just To Hard
i thought this blog would help me with this process, but i find myself not wanting to write because I don't want to deal with the issue. When i write, i have to confront my pain. it forces me to think about how i feel about our situation. And I want it to just go away. that if i ignore it, it will go away. that its all just a dream.
but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.
Yesterday was one such event.
As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.
My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.
I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.
the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.
But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.
It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.
This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.
Yesterday was one such event.
As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.
My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.
I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.
the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.
But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.
It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.
This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
October 3, 2008
Party Without Me
Last night when making dinner hubby told me we have a birthday party to go to on Sat. I got all exciting thinking, oh a friend is having a party and now we have a Sat night activity. Wrong. Turns out it's his partner's (at work) kid's 3 year birthday party.
What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.
He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?
I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.
What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.
He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?
I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.
September 29, 2008
The Joy of Baking
I forgot to mention that I have to see my pregnant sister tonight. She's due about the 3rd week of October. She's huge and she walks/sits around like she is the Queen of the City. She talks and acts as if she is the only one who is, or ever has been pregnant. But I think I mentioned this in a past post.
Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.
In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.
Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.
In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.
Happy New Year
Went in for my 2nd sonogram this morning. The Dr walked in and said, 'your estrogen is very high'.
Me: "Is that good or bad?"
Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"
Me: "Thats the plan."
I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.
I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.
Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."
Me:"is that good or bad?"
Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."
Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.
I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.
So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.
I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.
Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.
It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.
Me: "Is that good or bad?"
Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"
Me: "Thats the plan."
I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.
I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.
Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."
Me:"is that good or bad?"
Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."
Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.
I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.
So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.
I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.
Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.
It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.
September 26, 2008
Went to the dr today for my ultrasound. It wasn't my regular dr, but this one was pretty nice and explained stuff to me. Too bad my head wasn't all there cause I missed some important info. It was cool to see my uterus and follicles. She said I have 2-3 good ones in my right ovary. Nothing in my left. I'm pretty sure she told me the size of them too, but I missed that part. I also had some blood drawn. I have to go back Mon morning and get another sono to see how my follies progressed. Either I'll get the iui on Mon, or get a trigger shot and schedule the iui for tues. I told hubby he's on call for mon and tues.
===================
I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.
Now I'm totally depressed.
If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.
===================
I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.
Now I'm totally depressed.
If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.
September 21, 2008
Clomid and Crackberry
I started my clomid last night. Tomorrow I have to call the dr. and make an appointment for the ultrasound. It has to be on Friday, cd11, but I know my dr isn't around on Fridays. Well, i guess it's just another stranger looking up my hooha.
Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.
I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).
I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.
The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.
Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.
I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).
I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.
The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.
September 17, 2008
I Was Right
My mother fucking period came yesterday.
Now i'm waiting for my dr to call me back. I missed his call yesterday. I was so pissed. I had just got to the office and I heard the last ring on my cell phone. By the time I got to it the voicemail alert rang. I called back immediately and the receptionist said he left for the day and the drs only have a limited time to call patients back, and I should really be available for the drs.
Thanks bitch. But did you ever hear about people having jobs and working so they can pay the drs that charge a shit load of money to do nothing? I mean, if I could sit around all day with the phone strapped to my ass and be at his beck and call, believe me, I would.
Which is exactly what I'm doing today. I'm working from home and walking around with my cell phone attached to my ass. I know he starts phone calls after 2 today and it's now 3:30. So, I'm waiting. And ready to hear that I should start taking clomid this cycle.
I'm trying to build up the strength to call an RE today or tomorrow. I know who I'm going to call. But i have to call my insurance and find out some deets.
Oh the joys of infertility.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally the dr called back.
He's calling in a prescription for clomid. I start taking it cd5 then I'll go in cd11 (a friday) and get my ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing. cd14 is on Monday. Cutting it very close around the weekend. I asked about going to an re, and they said lets see what happens with this cycle, and if it doesnt work, then I should go next cycle. Or, he said I could take a break this month.
Break my ass.
Now i gotta tell hubby about this. He's not going to be happy. But i think after my crying fit the other night, he'll be on board with just about anything i say. Hopefully I'm right about this one.
Now i'm waiting for my dr to call me back. I missed his call yesterday. I was so pissed. I had just got to the office and I heard the last ring on my cell phone. By the time I got to it the voicemail alert rang. I called back immediately and the receptionist said he left for the day and the drs only have a limited time to call patients back, and I should really be available for the drs.
Thanks bitch. But did you ever hear about people having jobs and working so they can pay the drs that charge a shit load of money to do nothing? I mean, if I could sit around all day with the phone strapped to my ass and be at his beck and call, believe me, I would.
Which is exactly what I'm doing today. I'm working from home and walking around with my cell phone attached to my ass. I know he starts phone calls after 2 today and it's now 3:30. So, I'm waiting. And ready to hear that I should start taking clomid this cycle.
I'm trying to build up the strength to call an RE today or tomorrow. I know who I'm going to call. But i have to call my insurance and find out some deets.
Oh the joys of infertility.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally the dr called back.
He's calling in a prescription for clomid. I start taking it cd5 then I'll go in cd11 (a friday) and get my ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing. cd14 is on Monday. Cutting it very close around the weekend. I asked about going to an re, and they said lets see what happens with this cycle, and if it doesnt work, then I should go next cycle. Or, he said I could take a break this month.
Break my ass.
Now i gotta tell hubby about this. He's not going to be happy. But i think after my crying fit the other night, he'll be on board with just about anything i say. Hopefully I'm right about this one.
September 15, 2008
Hoping I'm Wrong
I totally feel my period coming. I have those annoying mild cramps and my boobs are not hurting as much as yesterday.
CD27
Tomorrow will be 14dpiui. I've had several sob sessions today (good thing I'm working from home today). I'm guessing it will show up tomorrow or the next day. This sucks. This sucks so bad.
I still have that tiny bit of hope that I'm wrong. And I refuse to test, but I want to so bad. At this point it's just a waste of money. But I think I'm more afraid not to see that 2nd pink line. So I wait and really test my willpower.
Every time I visit Facebook I find out someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. Today I found out a high school friend is pregnant with her 2nd. Great.
I don't even know what to say or how to feel. My mind is blank, almost numb. All i can think about is what I have to do next. Call an RE. Get more blood work done. Take drugs. Do another iui.
I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying, then hoping, then being disappointed. But the real sad part is I've just begun this infertility process. We'll be on cycle 18 but treatment #2. This could go on for a lot longer.
Where do people find the strength?
CD27
Tomorrow will be 14dpiui. I've had several sob sessions today (good thing I'm working from home today). I'm guessing it will show up tomorrow or the next day. This sucks. This sucks so bad.
I still have that tiny bit of hope that I'm wrong. And I refuse to test, but I want to so bad. At this point it's just a waste of money. But I think I'm more afraid not to see that 2nd pink line. So I wait and really test my willpower.
Every time I visit Facebook I find out someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. Today I found out a high school friend is pregnant with her 2nd. Great.
I don't even know what to say or how to feel. My mind is blank, almost numb. All i can think about is what I have to do next. Call an RE. Get more blood work done. Take drugs. Do another iui.
I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying, then hoping, then being disappointed. But the real sad part is I've just begun this infertility process. We'll be on cycle 18 but treatment #2. This could go on for a lot longer.
Where do people find the strength?
September 12, 2008
I lied
Remember the other day when I said I don't cry anymore?
I lied.
Yesterday i was riding the subway and i saw a woman get on with her daughter in a stroller. the woman was young and thin with long hair and she reminded me of myself. I was watching her interact with her daughter and then we caught each others eyes. I gave a smirk and looked down because i felt tears swelling my eyes. The rest of the ride home, and even the walk to my apartment my eyes were filled with tears. Not a good day for me.
Today is no better. I'm 97% sure i am not pregnant. Even though my boobs are sore and I've had mild cramps for 4 days, it means nothing. As i look back on my charts I see i've been through the very same things in prior months. But of coarse, I could be (hope I'm) wrong, and will leave that 3% chance.
CD24
10 dpiui
I'm never as optimistic as my period comes near. Right after the iui I was so hopeful and excited. Now I just want my period to come so I can move on to the next treatment.
Next treatment... the thought makes me cry.
Why. Why does it have to be so hard, so painful.
I get it now. Appreciate. I get it. And I do. Much more than if i became pregnant in just a few months.
I appreciate the process. I appreciate the body. I appreciate life. I appreciate love. I appreciate all the lessons learned.
My sister is due in 6 weeks. She carried very big this time. She looks like she can give birth at any minute. I understand everyone is very excited about this event and it's all everyone keeps talking about. But it's so painful for me. It makes me cry.
I must be pmsing because I am so sad, and all I can do is cry.
I lied.
Yesterday i was riding the subway and i saw a woman get on with her daughter in a stroller. the woman was young and thin with long hair and she reminded me of myself. I was watching her interact with her daughter and then we caught each others eyes. I gave a smirk and looked down because i felt tears swelling my eyes. The rest of the ride home, and even the walk to my apartment my eyes were filled with tears. Not a good day for me.
Today is no better. I'm 97% sure i am not pregnant. Even though my boobs are sore and I've had mild cramps for 4 days, it means nothing. As i look back on my charts I see i've been through the very same things in prior months. But of coarse, I could be (hope I'm) wrong, and will leave that 3% chance.
CD24
10 dpiui
I'm never as optimistic as my period comes near. Right after the iui I was so hopeful and excited. Now I just want my period to come so I can move on to the next treatment.
Next treatment... the thought makes me cry.
Why. Why does it have to be so hard, so painful.
I get it now. Appreciate. I get it. And I do. Much more than if i became pregnant in just a few months.
I appreciate the process. I appreciate the body. I appreciate life. I appreciate love. I appreciate all the lessons learned.
My sister is due in 6 weeks. She carried very big this time. She looks like she can give birth at any minute. I understand everyone is very excited about this event and it's all everyone keeps talking about. But it's so painful for me. It makes me cry.
I must be pmsing because I am so sad, and all I can do is cry.
September 9, 2008
A Belly Full of Greens
I have nothing new to report besides being mildly crampy for the past 2 days and my boobs getting a bit more tender each day. I know it means nothing. But I'm hoping it means something.
Got some great stuff at my CSA today (eggplant, garlic, rosemary, peppers, tomato, watermelon, squash, celery, salad, collards, beets, eggs, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines). It was very heavy to carry home.
I am so in love with leafy greens lately, thanks to my farm share. Last year they all went to waste, but this year I cook and eat All of them (literally, because hubby doesn't dig them). Today I cooked up beet greens. Most people toss the leafy greens attached to the beets, but when they're tender and beautiful, they are really delicious. I basically use the same recipe for all the greens (swiss chard, collards, spinach, etc). I make a mixture of olive oil, mirin or balsamic vinegar, a little water, salt, pepper, pepper flakes and roast them in my toaster at 400 with some sliced onions or shallots. Sometimes I add a pinch of sugar depending if the greens are really bitter. They start out over flowing the dish, but they cook down to nothing. I'm telling you, they are really delicious. I have no self control and usually finish them before I even plate up dinner. I know, not a good habit and its probably the reason why I'm never hungry for dinner. But I still manage to always finish my plate.
Got some great stuff at my CSA today (eggplant, garlic, rosemary, peppers, tomato, watermelon, squash, celery, salad, collards, beets, eggs, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines). It was very heavy to carry home.
I am so in love with leafy greens lately, thanks to my farm share. Last year they all went to waste, but this year I cook and eat All of them (literally, because hubby doesn't dig them). Today I cooked up beet greens. Most people toss the leafy greens attached to the beets, but when they're tender and beautiful, they are really delicious. I basically use the same recipe for all the greens (swiss chard, collards, spinach, etc). I make a mixture of olive oil, mirin or balsamic vinegar, a little water, salt, pepper, pepper flakes and roast them in my toaster at 400 with some sliced onions or shallots. Sometimes I add a pinch of sugar depending if the greens are really bitter. They start out over flowing the dish, but they cook down to nothing. I'm telling you, they are really delicious. I have no self control and usually finish them before I even plate up dinner. I know, not a good habit and its probably the reason why I'm never hungry for dinner. But I still manage to always finish my plate.
September 4, 2008
New Food, Better Mood
Everything went according to plan. I got my first peak reading Tuesday morning so we were right on schedule with the iui. We dropped off his sample for washing at 9, and I was inseminated at 11:15. Hubby was in the dr office with me and thought the whole process was very cold. Not surprising that he would say something like that, he didn't want to do it in the first place.
I'm pretty sure i ovulated Tues around 6:30pm. I was so crampy and my nips got so sore. They are still a bit sensitive, but not as bad as when I ovulate.
Now i'm in the tww. The longest 2 weeks ever. Hubby keeps asking how I'm feeling. I think he assumes this is going to work on the first try, kinda like when he thought I would be pregnant the first month we started trying. I specifically told him the day before the iui that it may not work. His response was 'why wouldn't it work.' And he was asking when he said this, it was more like a statement, like of coarse it will, there is no reason why it shouldn't.
I find it hard to be hopeful these days. I can hardly see myself pregnant, let alone holding my own child. I used to be so optimistic about getting and being pregnant, but this experience has taught me otherwise. I feel differently towards my infertility now. I don't cry anymore. There were months when I was crying everyday. In the shower, walking the dog, on the train, anywhere, anytime. It was terrible. I'm certainly more accepting now. I know we have a problem, i'm willing to accept it and do what we have to do. Sure, it's not how I imagined things would be, but it sure has made me a stronger person. And I think a better person. I definitely have a greater appreciation for life. All life.
I'm trying to stay positive and want to think I actually have a chance this month. To keep my mind busy, I did one of my favorite things to do: food shop. I go to this one particular store in the city that has isles upon isles of gourmet and imported foods. They have everything there. Plus they have the largest organic/vegan section I know of in the city. Well, except for Whole Foods. But WF is about triple the price. Anyway, I love to go there and find new product and try new foods. Of coarse I try to stick with the non processed foods, but once in a while I splurge.
Some new foods that I bought today:
lychee (which I've had but never bought)
black velvet apricot (very deep purple, not as sweet as I wanted)
dill (I love dill but never buy it because hubby Hates it, so not sure what to do with it yet)
CrispyDelites (low fat, dehydrated veggie chips)
and the one thing I've been looking for for months, So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt. I'm not a huge soy fan (due to all the processing), and I've heard all great things about this yogurt. I can't wait to try it!
I get happy just talking about food. I think I'll go eat some more lychees.
I'm pretty sure i ovulated Tues around 6:30pm. I was so crampy and my nips got so sore. They are still a bit sensitive, but not as bad as when I ovulate.
Now i'm in the tww. The longest 2 weeks ever. Hubby keeps asking how I'm feeling. I think he assumes this is going to work on the first try, kinda like when he thought I would be pregnant the first month we started trying. I specifically told him the day before the iui that it may not work. His response was 'why wouldn't it work.' And he was asking when he said this, it was more like a statement, like of coarse it will, there is no reason why it shouldn't.
I find it hard to be hopeful these days. I can hardly see myself pregnant, let alone holding my own child. I used to be so optimistic about getting and being pregnant, but this experience has taught me otherwise. I feel differently towards my infertility now. I don't cry anymore. There were months when I was crying everyday. In the shower, walking the dog, on the train, anywhere, anytime. It was terrible. I'm certainly more accepting now. I know we have a problem, i'm willing to accept it and do what we have to do. Sure, it's not how I imagined things would be, but it sure has made me a stronger person. And I think a better person. I definitely have a greater appreciation for life. All life.
I'm trying to stay positive and want to think I actually have a chance this month. To keep my mind busy, I did one of my favorite things to do: food shop. I go to this one particular store in the city that has isles upon isles of gourmet and imported foods. They have everything there. Plus they have the largest organic/vegan section I know of in the city. Well, except for Whole Foods. But WF is about triple the price. Anyway, I love to go there and find new product and try new foods. Of coarse I try to stick with the non processed foods, but once in a while I splurge.
Some new foods that I bought today:
lychee (which I've had but never bought)
black velvet apricot (very deep purple, not as sweet as I wanted)
dill (I love dill but never buy it because hubby Hates it, so not sure what to do with it yet)
CrispyDelites (low fat, dehydrated veggie chips)
and the one thing I've been looking for for months, So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt. I'm not a huge soy fan (due to all the processing), and I've heard all great things about this yogurt. I can't wait to try it!
I get happy just talking about food. I think I'll go eat some more lychees.
September 1, 2008
Not Today
i feel like such a liar.
No iui for me today.
Woke up early this morning to find out that I only had a high reading on my cbfm. Still no peak. This is the first time i'm getting 3 days of high readings.
I canceled my appointment for this morning, again. And now i'm hoping i'll get a peak reading tomorrow and go to my dr for the iui. Just like the original plan.
Wow, what a sucky, annoying weekend. I try to mentally prepare myself for the treatment, and get up super early to be fresh and awake. Such disappointment.
I guess this is why everyone opts for the trigger shot.
No iui for me today.
Woke up early this morning to find out that I only had a high reading on my cbfm. Still no peak. This is the first time i'm getting 3 days of high readings.
I canceled my appointment for this morning, again. And now i'm hoping i'll get a peak reading tomorrow and go to my dr for the iui. Just like the original plan.
Wow, what a sucky, annoying weekend. I try to mentally prepare myself for the treatment, and get up super early to be fresh and awake. Such disappointment.
I guess this is why everyone opts for the trigger shot.
August 31, 2008
Change In Plans
Yesterday I got a high reading. In the past, once I get the high reading, the next day I see a peak reading. And that means I'm ovulating sooner than I was hoping for. So i called the dr about changing my iui date. Naturally I had to wait for a call back because it was a Sat, and it wasn't even my dr who called me back. It was the annoying one I spoke to on Fri, Mrs. i-couldn't-care-less-about-you. So when i spoke to her yesterday she was like "oh, well, we're not in until Tuesday, ok, so maybe you just wait and we do it on Tuesday, or wait and do it next month, ok". (I think she was annoyed because to her, this was SOO not an emergency and she was on her way to the hospital.)
But whatever, no, it's not ok. I've waiting 16 months, i'm not giving up on this cycle just because your not in, i will go someplace else. I don't care who's sticking what up my hooha anymore. So i finally got her to suggest another clinic. I immediately called them (they were very nice) and scheduled something for 9:30am today (Sunday), (again, because I expected I would get a peak reading). She also said after the insemination, we could schedule the following day for the 2nd iui. Yeay, sounds like a plan.
Change in plan.
I didn't get my peak reading this morning. I have a feeling I will surge later today. Which will probably work out better. They say to do the iui 12-24 hrs after the surge. So if I surge later today and get the iui done tomorrow morning, then I'll have good timing.
(Thank god for the internet. Because thats the only way for me to get any information about all this. The drs don't tell me anything.)
So thats the deal. I'll call them at 8:30 when they open, and reschedule my iui for tomorrow morning (Monday) and also have one done on Tuesday.
Oh, and if you didn't notice, we didn't go away this weekend. Not that surprising because we always seem to change our plans.
But whatever, no, it's not ok. I've waiting 16 months, i'm not giving up on this cycle just because your not in, i will go someplace else. I don't care who's sticking what up my hooha anymore. So i finally got her to suggest another clinic. I immediately called them (they were very nice) and scheduled something for 9:30am today (Sunday), (again, because I expected I would get a peak reading). She also said after the insemination, we could schedule the following day for the 2nd iui. Yeay, sounds like a plan.
Change in plan.
I didn't get my peak reading this morning. I have a feeling I will surge later today. Which will probably work out better. They say to do the iui 12-24 hrs after the surge. So if I surge later today and get the iui done tomorrow morning, then I'll have good timing.
(Thank god for the internet. Because thats the only way for me to get any information about all this. The drs don't tell me anything.)
So thats the deal. I'll call them at 8:30 when they open, and reschedule my iui for tomorrow morning (Monday) and also have one done on Tuesday.
Oh, and if you didn't notice, we didn't go away this weekend. Not that surprising because we always seem to change our plans.
August 29, 2008
Naturally Artificial
When i spoke to my dr last week to discuss doing an iui this cycle, he suggested this first round to be natural. No drugs, no monitoring, and to me a waste of time and money. But i went with his recommendation. It's certainly the least stressful and we don't have to worry about multiples.
CD10
At this point I'm still with my obgyn, but i think it's time i moved on to an RE. The fact that the office is not opened on holidays and weekends, and that I have to go to a lab to get the sperm washed then take it to my drs office, well, just doesn't seem right when the timing of things is so important. I had to beg for an early appointment at the lab because they were completely booked (it's the same place where I had to wait 2 months for a sa). Then I had to schedule an appointment with my dr. In the meantime, because i'm not taking any drugs, this is all speculation. This is all assuming i ovulate when I should/want to. And that's This Tuesday.
I'm scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday!!
Tuesday will be cd14. I scheduled things based on the fact that I will ovulate like a normal person, and Tues morning my dr will be back in the office. And, we are going away for the long weekend, so i really, really hope i ovulate on time. Timing is so crucial this month.
I don't think this iui will be successful, but I am hopeful, just like I've been for the past 16 cycles.
When i told hubby about my appointments and the iui on Tuesday, I don't think he got it right away. It takes him a while to absorb information, and even though I've been telling him that I'll be ovulating soon, I don't think he realized the turkey basting would happen so quickly. When he was finally comfortable with collecting his spermies in a cup on Tuesday, he forgot the part that 2 hours later I would be inseminated. So I explained again, telling him he could probably come with me (i mean, it would be nice to know he was present for this process, but it's not necessary). He had to sit with it for a while, like all night. Then this morning he asked when my appointment was. I said around 11, but he wanted an exact time. I told him I couldn't give him one, but it will be around 11am, 2 hours after the wash. Then he said, 'well, will it be before 2?'
How many times do I have to explain this process???? I told him (several times) that we bring his sperm to the lab at 9am for washing. Around 2 hours later, I bring it to the dr and I get basted. Is that SO hard to comprehend???
Well, whatever, as long as I see a peak reading Tuesday morning and then get his sperm at 8:45 for the 9am appointment at the lab, then he can do whatever he wants.
Sure, it seems so cold and unnatural, but obviously, the loving and natural way of getting pregnant is not working for us. So lets focus on the fact I'm not on drugs yet, and it's as natural as an artificial insemination can be.
CD10
At this point I'm still with my obgyn, but i think it's time i moved on to an RE. The fact that the office is not opened on holidays and weekends, and that I have to go to a lab to get the sperm washed then take it to my drs office, well, just doesn't seem right when the timing of things is so important. I had to beg for an early appointment at the lab because they were completely booked (it's the same place where I had to wait 2 months for a sa). Then I had to schedule an appointment with my dr. In the meantime, because i'm not taking any drugs, this is all speculation. This is all assuming i ovulate when I should/want to. And that's This Tuesday.
I'm scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday!!
Tuesday will be cd14. I scheduled things based on the fact that I will ovulate like a normal person, and Tues morning my dr will be back in the office. And, we are going away for the long weekend, so i really, really hope i ovulate on time. Timing is so crucial this month.
I don't think this iui will be successful, but I am hopeful, just like I've been for the past 16 cycles.
When i told hubby about my appointments and the iui on Tuesday, I don't think he got it right away. It takes him a while to absorb information, and even though I've been telling him that I'll be ovulating soon, I don't think he realized the turkey basting would happen so quickly. When he was finally comfortable with collecting his spermies in a cup on Tuesday, he forgot the part that 2 hours later I would be inseminated. So I explained again, telling him he could probably come with me (i mean, it would be nice to know he was present for this process, but it's not necessary). He had to sit with it for a while, like all night. Then this morning he asked when my appointment was. I said around 11, but he wanted an exact time. I told him I couldn't give him one, but it will be around 11am, 2 hours after the wash. Then he said, 'well, will it be before 2?'
How many times do I have to explain this process???? I told him (several times) that we bring his sperm to the lab at 9am for washing. Around 2 hours later, I bring it to the dr and I get basted. Is that SO hard to comprehend???
Well, whatever, as long as I see a peak reading Tuesday morning and then get his sperm at 8:45 for the 9am appointment at the lab, then he can do whatever he wants.
Sure, it seems so cold and unnatural, but obviously, the loving and natural way of getting pregnant is not working for us. So lets focus on the fact I'm not on drugs yet, and it's as natural as an artificial insemination can be.
August 19, 2008
Silly Me
bfn
cd31
In my almost-two-years of charting, i've only had a 30 day cycle once. But I kinda knew it would be on the late side because my lovely ClearBlue Fertility Monitor said I ovulated late this month.
my boobs are still sore, and getting sorer by the day. Usually they get less sore with each day leading up to my period. I guess not this month. This month they want to do the opposite. They like to trick me. Every month they do something a little different, just to keep me on my toes.
Oh, the dr sent me hubbys sa. Now i can obsess over the numbers.
His number first, normal range in parenthesis.
volume 3.8 (2.0)
concentration 101 (20)
total count 383 (40)
motility 47% (50%)
ph 7.8 (7.2-8.0)
forward progression 3.5 (3.0)
liquefaction norm/non-visc (non visc)
round cells <1.0 (<3.0)
Morphology 11% (>30%)
Like the dr said, his total count number is wonderfully high, but morphology is not normal.
I think i feel my period coming, as I type this. I knew that hpt was a waste.
cd31
In my almost-two-years of charting, i've only had a 30 day cycle once. But I kinda knew it would be on the late side because my lovely ClearBlue Fertility Monitor said I ovulated late this month.
my boobs are still sore, and getting sorer by the day. Usually they get less sore with each day leading up to my period. I guess not this month. This month they want to do the opposite. They like to trick me. Every month they do something a little different, just to keep me on my toes.
Oh, the dr sent me hubbys sa. Now i can obsess over the numbers.
His number first, normal range in parenthesis.
volume 3.8 (2.0)
concentration 101 (20)
total count 383 (40)
motility 47% (50%)
ph 7.8 (7.2-8.0)
forward progression 3.5 (3.0)
liquefaction norm/non-visc (non visc)
round cells <1.0 (<3.0)
Morphology 11% (>30%)
Like the dr said, his total count number is wonderfully high, but morphology is not normal.
I think i feel my period coming, as I type this. I knew that hpt was a waste.
August 18, 2008
Hate To Wait
My period still hasn't shown its ugly red face.
CD30
I'm pretty positive i'm not pregnant but I actually bought hpts today. I never use them. It's a waste of money. After the 2nd or 3rd month of trying I promised myself I would never use one again, unless I was at least 2-3 days late.
But i'm thinking if I don't get my period by first thing tomorrow morning, I'll take a test. Because if by the smallest, tiniest, amazing less-then-3% chance I am pregnant, then I want to tell hubby before I leave for the beach. I'll be leaving with my mom before he gets home tomorrow, and I couldn't image going through the week not telling him, or even telling him over the phone. I know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but at least I can stop worrying if my periods going to show, and just worry about when.
In the meantime, if it does show, I mean, when it shows, it looks like I'll be away, and won't be able to get to the dr. on cd3. Unless it comes on Fri or Sat, which would be Super late! But i think it will come sometime tomorrow.
This blows. This means we'll have to wait till next month to do the first iui treatment. maybe I'll beg for more blood work, or an ultrasound. I just want to feel like I'm doing something this month. I'm done with just sitting back and waiting for things to happen.
Oh, did i mention my sister is out there too. Apparently she doesn't move her ass anymore cause she's too tired and too pregnant. She likes sitting and waiting for people to do everything for her.
I'm starving. I hate waiting for hubby to come home so we can eat dinner.
CD30
I'm pretty positive i'm not pregnant but I actually bought hpts today. I never use them. It's a waste of money. After the 2nd or 3rd month of trying I promised myself I would never use one again, unless I was at least 2-3 days late.
But i'm thinking if I don't get my period by first thing tomorrow morning, I'll take a test. Because if by the smallest, tiniest, amazing less-then-3% chance I am pregnant, then I want to tell hubby before I leave for the beach. I'll be leaving with my mom before he gets home tomorrow, and I couldn't image going through the week not telling him, or even telling him over the phone. I know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but at least I can stop worrying if my periods going to show, and just worry about when.
In the meantime, if it does show, I mean, when it shows, it looks like I'll be away, and won't be able to get to the dr. on cd3. Unless it comes on Fri or Sat, which would be Super late! But i think it will come sometime tomorrow.
This blows. This means we'll have to wait till next month to do the first iui treatment. maybe I'll beg for more blood work, or an ultrasound. I just want to feel like I'm doing something this month. I'm done with just sitting back and waiting for things to happen.
Oh, did i mention my sister is out there too. Apparently she doesn't move her ass anymore cause she's too tired and too pregnant. She likes sitting and waiting for people to do everything for her.
I'm starving. I hate waiting for hubby to come home so we can eat dinner.
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