CD 17
Went to the dr yesterday so they can see how the spermies were swimming inside me. I'm pretty sure I ovulated over the weekend so my cm was not the best for this test. He did see lots of spermies, and they were moving, just not moving forward. He said that could be due to the fact that I already ovulated, or that my cm is not great. He suggested I do the Robitussin thing if i'm not pregnant this month. (Hmm, i guess he forgot the conversation we had the other week.) As he was explaining things he suddenly used the word 'insemination'. Aaahh, the lovely word none of us want to hear. But he also said everything looks fine. So what is it doc? You cant say 'everything looks fine' and 'insemination' in the same breath.
Next step: go back to dr cd 23 for 2nd round of blood work. Oh, btw, all my other blood work came out normal. I requested a copy of the paperwork so I can obsess about the tests and numbers, and like he said, everything looks totally fine. He also wants hubby to do a spermie test around the time I get my period. The guys have it soooo easy. He does this one test and he's done. Unfortunately it's just the start of my issues.
On another note, our trip was great. We went to Las Vegas (which I've been to, but hubby never has). We toured all the hotels - craazy, rented a car and did some hiking in the Red Rocks, went to hoover dam and drove along Lake Mead, saw Ka, ate some good meals and played the slots. I think we lost a total of $50. We stayed in the Venetian, which has beautiful, huge suite rooms. I seriously think the room was bigger than our apartment. It was a really fun trip and I hope he had a great 40th birthday.
On Another note, my sister is still pregnant but has been on bed rest for the past 2 weeks. Apparently she has been spotting and because of her past history of miscarriages, they want her to basically not move to make sure this one sticks. The dr said the reason for the spotting is because of a blood clot thats rubbing against a sac that didn't make it (oh, she's only having one). They said it's totally normal and lots of women spot, but she should play it safe. She's coming into her 9th week which is when she lost the other 2. I hope this one makes it. She's really been through so much, and it would just suck if this turned for the worst.
So another 2ww begins. I'm not very hopeful this month. I say that now, but as soon as I feel a possible twinge/symptom, i'm thinking maybe this is the month. But seriously, it hasn't worked 11 other times, why would it work on the 12th?
March 18, 2008
March 5, 2008
Flying to Somewhere
Yesterday I went to the dr and had tubes of blood taken. I'm not very good with needles or blood, and almost passed out. I was not having fun.
Then I was told to sit with my dr to discuss next steps. I think he gave me all of 30 seconds before he shoed me out of his office. He told me to have sex right at ovulation then I should come in the next morning so they can see how the spermies are swimming around in there. Then about a week later I have to go back and have more blood taken. Um, o.k.
I started to tell him how I don't have much ewcm and was taking something to help. He jumped and said 'oh, you've been taking Robutussen?'
I said 'no, why you think that works?'
"No, but some experience more stretchiness"
I said, "well, I do a lot of reading and tried Evening Primrose"
He shook his head as if he was so disappointed in me.
"It worked. Why, you don't think it works?" I asked.
Then he started saying "there is no scientific...blah blah...that proves...blah blah blah".
Then he said, 'well, your looking a lot better, I'll see you next week."
I'm dismissed, I pay my $25.
When I tell hubby this, he immediately tells me to find another dr., that this guy is all about the scientific and totally discourages the natural/homeopathic options. (Needless to say, we are all about the natural, and don't believe that drugs are the answer to all problems).
Ok, so hubby is right to a certain degree, but I've been using this dr since I was 15. My sister used him, and my mom used to go to the same office (not same dr). These people know everything about my family and history. It's not so easy to just find a new dr. especially one that goes up your hoo-ha.
A few words about my dr.... he's a nice guy, young, decent looking, gentle, but I don't think he likes me. I'm not like most of the women that visit this office (I did mention my sister sees him, right?). They are 'Upper East Siders' that are bubbly, dressed to the nines and walk in with their Barney's shopping bags, and huge diamond rings. Me, I'm in jeans and my Dansko clogs wanting to get the hell out of there. I feel no need for bullshit conversation, and I'm certainly not going to pretend I'm happy to see him. So is he my perfect dr, umm, probably not. And I would prefer to have a dr closer to my apt (on the west side) since I may need (hope) to make a lot more visits.
But I'm in no mood, especially at this point to search and experiment with drs. But I may consider it. It would be nice to have a dr with the same beliefs as me, for so many reasons.
On another note, I'm taking hubby on a surprise trip tomorrow (it's his 40th bday). He knows he's flying somewhere, but has no idea where. Every day for the past week I've been giving him clues. He's guessed the vicinity (didn’t tell him if he was right or wrong), but not the place. I really wanted to go to Europe, but he wouldn't give me a week, I only got a long weekend. So we're leaving tomorrow and coming home on Monday. I can't say where, yet, just incase he reads this (but I don't think he knows about this blog). He'll find out when he gets home. I'll have a certain song playing as he walks through the door.
I’ve got a lot of last minute planning to do, and lots of details to figure out. I hope he likes his destination.
Then I was told to sit with my dr to discuss next steps. I think he gave me all of 30 seconds before he shoed me out of his office. He told me to have sex right at ovulation then I should come in the next morning so they can see how the spermies are swimming around in there. Then about a week later I have to go back and have more blood taken. Um, o.k.
I started to tell him how I don't have much ewcm and was taking something to help. He jumped and said 'oh, you've been taking Robutussen?'
I said 'no, why you think that works?'
"No, but some experience more stretchiness"
I said, "well, I do a lot of reading and tried Evening Primrose"
He shook his head as if he was so disappointed in me.
"It worked. Why, you don't think it works?" I asked.
Then he started saying "there is no scientific...blah blah...that proves...blah blah blah".
Then he said, 'well, your looking a lot better, I'll see you next week."
I'm dismissed, I pay my $25.
When I tell hubby this, he immediately tells me to find another dr., that this guy is all about the scientific and totally discourages the natural/homeopathic options. (Needless to say, we are all about the natural, and don't believe that drugs are the answer to all problems).
Ok, so hubby is right to a certain degree, but I've been using this dr since I was 15. My sister used him, and my mom used to go to the same office (not same dr). These people know everything about my family and history. It's not so easy to just find a new dr. especially one that goes up your hoo-ha.
A few words about my dr.... he's a nice guy, young, decent looking, gentle, but I don't think he likes me. I'm not like most of the women that visit this office (I did mention my sister sees him, right?). They are 'Upper East Siders' that are bubbly, dressed to the nines and walk in with their Barney's shopping bags, and huge diamond rings. Me, I'm in jeans and my Dansko clogs wanting to get the hell out of there. I feel no need for bullshit conversation, and I'm certainly not going to pretend I'm happy to see him. So is he my perfect dr, umm, probably not. And I would prefer to have a dr closer to my apt (on the west side) since I may need (hope) to make a lot more visits.
But I'm in no mood, especially at this point to search and experiment with drs. But I may consider it. It would be nice to have a dr with the same beliefs as me, for so many reasons.
On another note, I'm taking hubby on a surprise trip tomorrow (it's his 40th bday). He knows he's flying somewhere, but has no idea where. Every day for the past week I've been giving him clues. He's guessed the vicinity (didn’t tell him if he was right or wrong), but not the place. I really wanted to go to Europe, but he wouldn't give me a week, I only got a long weekend. So we're leaving tomorrow and coming home on Monday. I can't say where, yet, just incase he reads this (but I don't think he knows about this blog). He'll find out when he gets home. I'll have a certain song playing as he walks through the door.
I’ve got a lot of last minute planning to do, and lots of details to figure out. I hope he likes his destination.
March 3, 2008
Waiting...
CD 2
It is so painful. Numbing. My arms feel like bricks, they are so hard to lift. It never gets easier, even though I’ve been through it 11 times already.
I was prepared for it to come. My boobs hardly tender at all, a far cry from the other night when they hurt to touch them. I also get those annoyingly mild cramps. Cant pinpoint them, but the whole region down there is crampy. When I tell hubby I know its coming, he always makes some comment like “nice that your being so positive”. Well, its hard to be positive when I feel it coming. Its a feeling I cant describe, but women know what I’m talking about. believe me, i try to be positive and hopeful. It's what keeps me going during the painfully long 2ww.
--------- Later----------
I just took my first step to admitting/dealing with my infertility. (I’m sobbing by the way, so this may not make any sense).
I just called my dr. he has to call me back, I guess to see what the appointment will entail and if hubby needs to be there. Hubbys schedule is ridiculously busy and stressful, I don’t know how he’ll be able to do this with me.
My hands are shaking. The tears won’t stop flowing. I am feeling absolutely terrible right now.
What make things worse is Facebook. I love it. I find people I haven't heard from in 10 years. But just yesterday I found someone I went to sleep away camp with. We had an unusual camp experience. For 8 years we were known as the fab 5. Every year, for 8 years we were together. they couldn’t separate us, and they would never dare put anyone else in our bunk. We were the fab 5.
I was thrilled when I saw her on facebook and wondered what everyone else is up to. When she responded she gave me the update. 1 has a one year old. Another has 2 kiddies. And she is due in a few weeks with her 2nd, along with the last fab 5er (they are due on the same day).
Then I start thinking, if I would have gotten pregnant around the time we started trying, I would be due right now too.
I am so sad.
i can't get my thoughts together, yet i have so many racing through my mind. this is a really bad day.
when is the dr going to call me back. i need to make this appointment.
------- Later ------
I just spoke to my dr. I will going in tomorrow for bloodwork.
and so it begins...
It is so painful. Numbing. My arms feel like bricks, they are so hard to lift. It never gets easier, even though I’ve been through it 11 times already.
I was prepared for it to come. My boobs hardly tender at all, a far cry from the other night when they hurt to touch them. I also get those annoyingly mild cramps. Cant pinpoint them, but the whole region down there is crampy. When I tell hubby I know its coming, he always makes some comment like “nice that your being so positive”. Well, its hard to be positive when I feel it coming. Its a feeling I cant describe, but women know what I’m talking about. believe me, i try to be positive and hopeful. It's what keeps me going during the painfully long 2ww.
--------- Later----------
I just took my first step to admitting/dealing with my infertility. (I’m sobbing by the way, so this may not make any sense).
I just called my dr. he has to call me back, I guess to see what the appointment will entail and if hubby needs to be there. Hubbys schedule is ridiculously busy and stressful, I don’t know how he’ll be able to do this with me.
My hands are shaking. The tears won’t stop flowing. I am feeling absolutely terrible right now.
What make things worse is Facebook. I love it. I find people I haven't heard from in 10 years. But just yesterday I found someone I went to sleep away camp with. We had an unusual camp experience. For 8 years we were known as the fab 5. Every year, for 8 years we were together. they couldn’t separate us, and they would never dare put anyone else in our bunk. We were the fab 5.
I was thrilled when I saw her on facebook and wondered what everyone else is up to. When she responded she gave me the update. 1 has a one year old. Another has 2 kiddies. And she is due in a few weeks with her 2nd, along with the last fab 5er (they are due on the same day).
Then I start thinking, if I would have gotten pregnant around the time we started trying, I would be due right now too.
I am so sad.
i can't get my thoughts together, yet i have so many racing through my mind. this is a really bad day.
when is the dr going to call me back. i need to make this appointment.
------- Later ------
I just spoke to my dr. I will going in tomorrow for bloodwork.
and so it begins...
February 28, 2008
Lunch and a Sonogram
CD 25, around 8-10 dpo.
I've been crampy all week. And my boobs have been tender/sore for 6 days now. Not indicative of anything, but...
So I had lunch with my sister today. We don't do it very often and it was nice to get together. The afternoon started out with how nauseous she's been feeling and wanted something light, like a salad or soup. Pregnancy and baby wasn't the only thing she talked about, but we certainly covered a lot about the subject. I even saw pictures of her 3 embryos and her most recent sonogram. And, she even asked me if I wanted an old ovulation kit that she spent $300 for. She said she's been saving it for me. I told her sure, and it will be great for when the time comes. eerr.
I've been crampy all week. And my boobs have been tender/sore for 6 days now. Not indicative of anything, but...
So I had lunch with my sister today. We don't do it very often and it was nice to get together. The afternoon started out with how nauseous she's been feeling and wanted something light, like a salad or soup. Pregnancy and baby wasn't the only thing she talked about, but we certainly covered a lot about the subject. I even saw pictures of her 3 embryos and her most recent sonogram. And, she even asked me if I wanted an old ovulation kit that she spent $300 for. She said she's been saving it for me. I told her sure, and it will be great for when the time comes. eerr.
February 20, 2008
Rachel Ray VS Veganomicon
I have no idea when I ovulated, if I did at all. I can usually tell after I Oed because I get the typical abundant thick, tacky, white cm (wow, that's very personal, TMI). Today I'm CD 17, and I haven't gotten it yet. It's been thicker then last week, but not like the usual. wtf.
I may have ovulated early this month. As I examine my chart, I got some stretchy cm (thanks to evening primrose oil and drinking green tea) on CD 9. That's super early. And my nips started hurting CD 14. Weird. They don't normally hurt, so I don't know if the pain was a few days before I Oed, or right at O. I obsess over my chart so I'm pretty sure of when I ovulate, and it's generally the same time every month, give or take a day. I’m confused.
I should really buy the OPKs just to be sure. And I would if I wasn't so cheap. $20 every month for little pee sticks, obsurd. And I cant stand the thought of paying $75 (or more) for one of those reusable, digital doodads. I would hate to spend the money, and then get pregnant. What a waste! In the meantime, I've been saying that for 8 months. If i bought it the first month, i would've definitely gotten my money's worth.
I’m watching Rachel Ray on the Food Network. I’m so not a fan, never was. I hate the ‘delish’, ‘sammies’, all those stupid words she uses. But most of all, her recipes suck. The few meals I tried I didn’t like. I will give her credit for a wonderful marketing job. She’s definitely got the right people working for her.
You know when a brand does good when my sister buys into it. She lives her life by what everyone else is doing, and I’m surprised it took her this long to finally jump on the RR bandwagon. 6 months ago when she told me she’s totally into her and bought her cookbook, I laughed. Now everything she makes is from Rachel Ray. She knows I'm such a foodie so she gets excited when she tells me about the meals she makes. For V-day she was telling me about the mini meatloafs she made; a RR recipe. It’s kinda funny, but go figure. We are opposites.
I actually made something pretty good last night, Chickpea Romesco from Veganomicon. It was quite tasty and very healthy. I’ve made a bunch of recipes from that cookbook, and its been hit or miss (so far lots of misses). But this one was good and different, a favorite so far. I can see using the sauce for different things like a pasta sauce, a dip, on top of fish. Mmm, that would be good. It was even better for lunch today. Yummo.
Time for tea.
I may have ovulated early this month. As I examine my chart, I got some stretchy cm (thanks to evening primrose oil and drinking green tea) on CD 9. That's super early. And my nips started hurting CD 14. Weird. They don't normally hurt, so I don't know if the pain was a few days before I Oed, or right at O. I obsess over my chart so I'm pretty sure of when I ovulate, and it's generally the same time every month, give or take a day. I’m confused.
I should really buy the OPKs just to be sure. And I would if I wasn't so cheap. $20 every month for little pee sticks, obsurd. And I cant stand the thought of paying $75 (or more) for one of those reusable, digital doodads. I would hate to spend the money, and then get pregnant. What a waste! In the meantime, I've been saying that for 8 months. If i bought it the first month, i would've definitely gotten my money's worth.
I’m watching Rachel Ray on the Food Network. I’m so not a fan, never was. I hate the ‘delish’, ‘sammies’, all those stupid words she uses. But most of all, her recipes suck. The few meals I tried I didn’t like. I will give her credit for a wonderful marketing job. She’s definitely got the right people working for her.
You know when a brand does good when my sister buys into it. She lives her life by what everyone else is doing, and I’m surprised it took her this long to finally jump on the RR bandwagon. 6 months ago when she told me she’s totally into her and bought her cookbook, I laughed. Now everything she makes is from Rachel Ray. She knows I'm such a foodie so she gets excited when she tells me about the meals she makes. For V-day she was telling me about the mini meatloafs she made; a RR recipe. It’s kinda funny, but go figure. We are opposites.
I actually made something pretty good last night, Chickpea Romesco from Veganomicon. It was quite tasty and very healthy. I’ve made a bunch of recipes from that cookbook, and its been hit or miss (so far lots of misses). But this one was good and different, a favorite so far. I can see using the sauce for different things like a pasta sauce, a dip, on top of fish. Mmm, that would be good. It was even better for lunch today. Yummo.
Time for tea.
February 17, 2008
Thank You
I want to thank those people who have left comments for me. Thank you for your words, and the smile you put on my face.
I've been reading so many blogs for so many months, and it gives me great comfort to know there are others who feel the same way I do. Hubby thinks I'm crazy to read these blogs because they are so depressing (I guess he was on my computer and looked through my browser history, snoopy bastard). He may find it depressing, but I find it helpful and hopeful. To know so many people also had problems and many of them succeed. To know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings, and to know I can be a part of a community where everyone truly wants the same thing. These blogs are raw. People write them with no expectations, and people read them without judgment.
Part of the reason I read so many is because I haven't told anyone, and hubby and I have very different feelings about this issue. He keeps saying 'it will happen when it's supposed to happen'. He says God has a plan for us. He is confident that we don't have any infertility issues, and it's just been a matter of being unlucky.
Well, I'm a little more scientific than that. Statistically, if everything is A OK, after 10 cycles of perfect timing and being healthy, I should have been pregnant by now. True, there could be a slight chance that we've been unlucky, but I'm just starting to think that we're unluckily infertile.
So knowing our differences in thought, I am grateful for the wonderful community I've found. For all those people who think like I do. For all those people I don't know, yet feel so connected to.
Thank you.
Thank you for all your support and taking the time to read another stranger's story.
I've been reading so many blogs for so many months, and it gives me great comfort to know there are others who feel the same way I do. Hubby thinks I'm crazy to read these blogs because they are so depressing (I guess he was on my computer and looked through my browser history, snoopy bastard). He may find it depressing, but I find it helpful and hopeful. To know so many people also had problems and many of them succeed. To know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings, and to know I can be a part of a community where everyone truly wants the same thing. These blogs are raw. People write them with no expectations, and people read them without judgment.
Part of the reason I read so many is because I haven't told anyone, and hubby and I have very different feelings about this issue. He keeps saying 'it will happen when it's supposed to happen'. He says God has a plan for us. He is confident that we don't have any infertility issues, and it's just been a matter of being unlucky.
Well, I'm a little more scientific than that. Statistically, if everything is A OK, after 10 cycles of perfect timing and being healthy, I should have been pregnant by now. True, there could be a slight chance that we've been unlucky, but I'm just starting to think that we're unluckily infertile.
So knowing our differences in thought, I am grateful for the wonderful community I've found. For all those people who think like I do. For all those people I don't know, yet feel so connected to.
Thank you.
Thank you for all your support and taking the time to read another stranger's story.
February 16, 2008
I Am A Vampire
It’s Saturday and I realize I haven't told hubby that my sister is pregnant yet. It completely slipped my mind. I am not a good sister.
This is huge news for the family, and to think that I forgot, well it’s just terrible. In the past I’ve told him immediately, but in the past I also wasn’t trying to get pregnant for 10 months myself. I guess there are some serious underlying reasons why I haven't told him. All which we can figure out without having to go to a shrink.
He’s at work right now, but I will remember to tell him today.
Actually, what made me think of her even being pregnant, is the fact that we are all (my parents, and my sister and bro-in-law) are going out for my birthday dinner next Saturday. Because we all live so close (either Upper West, or Upper East sides) we always celebrate birthdays with a family dinner. It’s a nice tradition, but I’m so not into my birthday this year. I’m turning 33, which is fine, but I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I’m not going to say I’m depressed, but i'm certainly not as jovial as I usually am. I just think there are more important things to think about than my birthday. And now we have to hear about my sister being pregnant all night long. Keep in mind, she is the overly dramatic type who thinks she’s the only one who is or ever has been pregnant. She’s the overly-cautious-everyone-should-do-everything-for-her-while-she-relaxes kind of person. One day I will tell her that the world does not revolve around her. I know, there is some jealousy and resentment in my tone.
It doesn’t help that no one knows where I stand in the baby making process. They know not to ask me. Months before we started trying hubby slipped and told my parents our timeline. My parents were thrilled to hear the news, and that’s when my mom started with the annoyingness. I quickly told her I am not, and will not talk about it. But still, every once in a while she’ll make a comment or ask me whats going on and if we’re trying. I don’t answer. But I have to say, for the most part she’s been really good about it and respects my wishes.
I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to be happy for my sister. I wish her the best, I do. It’s just going to take a lot of acting next week to put a smile on my face when she starts talking about herself and how she’s feeling.
In the meantime, all I’ve been listening to is the Juno soundtrack and I can't get this song out of my head. It’s fun and makes me happy. Go figure its the music from a movie where a teenager accidentally gets pregnant.
This is huge news for the family, and to think that I forgot, well it’s just terrible. In the past I’ve told him immediately, but in the past I also wasn’t trying to get pregnant for 10 months myself. I guess there are some serious underlying reasons why I haven't told him. All which we can figure out without having to go to a shrink.
He’s at work right now, but I will remember to tell him today.
Actually, what made me think of her even being pregnant, is the fact that we are all (my parents, and my sister and bro-in-law) are going out for my birthday dinner next Saturday. Because we all live so close (either Upper West, or Upper East sides) we always celebrate birthdays with a family dinner. It’s a nice tradition, but I’m so not into my birthday this year. I’m turning 33, which is fine, but I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I’m not going to say I’m depressed, but i'm certainly not as jovial as I usually am. I just think there are more important things to think about than my birthday. And now we have to hear about my sister being pregnant all night long. Keep in mind, she is the overly dramatic type who thinks she’s the only one who is or ever has been pregnant. She’s the overly-cautious-everyone-should-do-everything-for-her-while-she-relaxes kind of person. One day I will tell her that the world does not revolve around her. I know, there is some jealousy and resentment in my tone.
It doesn’t help that no one knows where I stand in the baby making process. They know not to ask me. Months before we started trying hubby slipped and told my parents our timeline. My parents were thrilled to hear the news, and that’s when my mom started with the annoyingness. I quickly told her I am not, and will not talk about it. But still, every once in a while she’ll make a comment or ask me whats going on and if we’re trying. I don’t answer. But I have to say, for the most part she’s been really good about it and respects my wishes.
I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to be happy for my sister. I wish her the best, I do. It’s just going to take a lot of acting next week to put a smile on my face when she starts talking about herself and how she’s feeling.
In the meantime, all I’ve been listening to is the Juno soundtrack and I can't get this song out of my head. It’s fun and makes me happy. Go figure its the music from a movie where a teenager accidentally gets pregnant.
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