I spent a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday. I guess it's kinda like therapy for me.
I had a few bananas that were too ripe for our liking. So naturally, I made banana bread. I've tried a lot of different recipes, some vegan, some not. I avoid baking with butter at all costs. I figure if I'm baking, I might as well try to be healthy. So I found a low fat version in Veganomicon. It sounded good but of course I had to tweak it a little. For one, I used whole wheat flour, which you would never know. I also added an extra banana, vanilla and instead of applesauce, I used some soy milk. It actually came out pretty good. I think because I subbed the ap flour with ww flour, i should have used a little bit less than it called for. But otherwise, the taste is great, it's moist, and kinda healthy. We ate half a loaf yesterday.
I also made Cornmeal Anise Biscotti. These are one of my favorites, also based on a recipe, but with a bunch of tweaking. I love the flavor of anise, and the cornmeal adds a great crumbly texture and flavor. These are not vegan (they call for 3 eggs), but they are low fat because there is no butter and only 2 tablespoons of oil. Hubby likes these a lot, he also took some to work for his coworkers.
For dinner I made Absorption Pasta with Chickpeas Tomatoes and Asparagus. Another winner. Hubby actually used the word 'delicious', which he rarely uses to describe my meals. I don't think it's the most popular method of cooking pasta, but its a great way to achieve a creamy, saucy pasta dish without adding fats like butter, cream or lots of cheese. The creaminess is created from the starch of the pasta, and the more you stir, the creamier it becomes. It's almost like cooking risotto, but with pasta. When using this technique, you only add enough liquid to the skillet for the pasta to absorb, and it then creates a sauce. That's right, this is a one pot meal, that takes 30 minutes or less.
It's best to use a shaped pasta like penne, shells, or in my case orecchiette. And you can certainly use any type of bean or vegetable. Here's the recipe.
Skillet Orecchiette with Tomatoes, Chickpeas and Asparagus
Ingredients:
● 2 tbsp. olive oil
● 1/2 small onion, chopped
● 2 cloves garlic, minced
● 2 1/2 cups Orecchette (or any other shaped pasta)
● 2 cups Vegetable stock
● 1 cup water
● 1/2 can chickpeas (rinsed and drained)
● 1 can cherry tomatoes (separate juice from tomatoes)
● 6 spears asparagus, cut 1/2 inch pieces
Grana Padano (or any kind of parm cheese), salt and pepper to taste
Directions:
Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat and saute onions until slightly browned. Add garlic and cook 30 seconds.
Add pasta and stir to coat with oil and onions. Pour in broth, water and juice from tomatoes, bring to a boil. Stir and add chickpeas.
Lower heat slightly and cook stirring frequently (make sure pasta doesn't stick to pan) until pasta is just about done, about 15 minutes. Add asparagus and tomatoes to skillet. Using kitchen shears, cut tomatoes in half, and continue to cook until done.
Stir in a few tablespoons of cheese, and season with salt and pepper.
I served this with garlic cheese toasts (slice baguette, rub with garlic, shmeare a little butter and top with grated cheese. Toast until cheese melts) and a salad with my homemade vinagrette. Very good, easy Sunday meal.
May 19, 2008
May 12, 2008
Tables Turned
So yesterday we were all out for mother's day with the usually gang: me and hubby, my parents, sister, brother-in-law and their daughter. i knew my sister was finally going public with her news. She was ready to announce to the world that she is pregnant. Obviously we all knew already, but earlier that morning she finally told my niece she was going to be a big sister. So when we were waiting to be seated, it was being discussed and made into a very big deal. It was cute to see her get so excited about being getting a sibling.
When we sat down we continued the discussion of big sister/pregnancy drama. Then all of a sudden, my sister whipped out a pile of folded up sonogram pictures. We all had to pass around these long stretches of black and white pictures in the middle of the restaurant. And i had to sit there, pretending to be excited and look at 40 pictures of her baby in her uterus. "Did you see these?" "Look at these." "And these!" So now the entire restaurant knew she was pregnant.
She's excited. I get it. But when she was trying to get pregnant for 2 years (and not telling anyone), she would get so pissed off and annoyed at people who were constantly talking about their pregnancy, showing pictures and talking about babies. She truly thought they were insensitive people and wanted nothing to do with them. She avoided her friends and family members who were pregnant or who just had babies. She didn't want to here about it and certainly didn't want to share in their joy. She would tell us this, as if her behavior was acceptable and people should just know and be sensitive to her and her situation.
And now look at her. In the middle of a restaurant, and not knowing about Anyones situation, she was blabbing and so indiscreetly took out every picture she had of her womb. And I, sit there, annoyed and pissed off of her insensitivity. Not wanting to hear about it, look at it, and share her joy.
I, have become her.
When we sat down we continued the discussion of big sister/pregnancy drama. Then all of a sudden, my sister whipped out a pile of folded up sonogram pictures. We all had to pass around these long stretches of black and white pictures in the middle of the restaurant. And i had to sit there, pretending to be excited and look at 40 pictures of her baby in her uterus. "Did you see these?" "Look at these." "And these!" So now the entire restaurant knew she was pregnant.
She's excited. I get it. But when she was trying to get pregnant for 2 years (and not telling anyone), she would get so pissed off and annoyed at people who were constantly talking about their pregnancy, showing pictures and talking about babies. She truly thought they were insensitive people and wanted nothing to do with them. She avoided her friends and family members who were pregnant or who just had babies. She didn't want to here about it and certainly didn't want to share in their joy. She would tell us this, as if her behavior was acceptable and people should just know and be sensitive to her and her situation.
And now look at her. In the middle of a restaurant, and not knowing about Anyones situation, she was blabbing and so indiscreetly took out every picture she had of her womb. And I, sit there, annoyed and pissed off of her insensitivity. Not wanting to hear about it, look at it, and share her joy.
I, have become her.
May 8, 2008
Too Sick, Too Tired
I have been sick. It sucks. On Monday i had a tempurture of 101. I was throwing up and in bed all day. I felt a little better the next day, but still had a temp. Yesterday I was finally able to go to work and ate a little more than a piece of bread, although now it turned into a cold of sorts. Very bad timing to get sick according to my new fertility monitor.
About a month ago my sister gave me her Clearblue digital fertility monitor; the one that costs like $200 and the sticks cost $50 a box. She knows I won't talk about the issue, so she handed it to me and I said thanks. I was excited to start using it this cycle because I never really know when I ovulate. With all the charting I've done for the past year, I still can not pin point the day I ovulate. I usually have an idea, but i could be days off.
Anyway, they tell you to start testing on day 6, and continue for 10 days. The monitor differs from the other OPKs because it's (so freakin expensive), and supposed to tell you the low, high and peak days your fertile. Well, from CD 6-9 it was low (as I expected), but on CD10, it said I was peak! CD10? thats super early, and what happened to my high days? It went from low to peak. How is that? But it didn't even matter because I was so sick, there was no way I was getting it on with hubby.
So next day (yesterday), CD11, not only did I see super stretchy ewcm when I woke up (i've been diligently taking my Evening Primrose Oil), it was another peak day. Good thing i was feeling well enough for a deposit last night.
And now today, CD12, the monitor said high fertility. So according to the monitor I already ovulated. wtf? Have I been wrong all this time? I couldn't have been. I've done the opks and they tell me my peak days are cd13, 14 &15.
I'm so over this. I'm tired of the tracking, charting, and the monitoring. I'm tired of thinking about it and worrying if hubby is going to be in the mood to make a deposit. Sometimes i just can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the one who can't get pregnant. I'm tired of trying. I'm emotionally drained. The scary part is, the real journey has just begun. The journey of infertility.
About a month ago my sister gave me her Clearblue digital fertility monitor; the one that costs like $200 and the sticks cost $50 a box. She knows I won't talk about the issue, so she handed it to me and I said thanks. I was excited to start using it this cycle because I never really know when I ovulate. With all the charting I've done for the past year, I still can not pin point the day I ovulate. I usually have an idea, but i could be days off.
Anyway, they tell you to start testing on day 6, and continue for 10 days. The monitor differs from the other OPKs because it's (so freakin expensive), and supposed to tell you the low, high and peak days your fertile. Well, from CD 6-9 it was low (as I expected), but on CD10, it said I was peak! CD10? thats super early, and what happened to my high days? It went from low to peak. How is that? But it didn't even matter because I was so sick, there was no way I was getting it on with hubby.
So next day (yesterday), CD11, not only did I see super stretchy ewcm when I woke up (i've been diligently taking my Evening Primrose Oil), it was another peak day. Good thing i was feeling well enough for a deposit last night.
And now today, CD12, the monitor said high fertility. So according to the monitor I already ovulated. wtf? Have I been wrong all this time? I couldn't have been. I've done the opks and they tell me my peak days are cd13, 14 &15.
I'm so over this. I'm tired of the tracking, charting, and the monitoring. I'm tired of thinking about it and worrying if hubby is going to be in the mood to make a deposit. Sometimes i just can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the one who can't get pregnant. I'm tired of trying. I'm emotionally drained. The scary part is, the real journey has just begun. The journey of infertility.
May 1, 2008
Moments
CD5
This month marks a year. I am officially 'one of those people', the 'infertile' one.
I've been putting off getting an HSG. I fear what they might find, and also fear the physical pain it will cause. But as each day goes by, I know its something I have to do. I know i'll eventually get to that point and just do it.
I no longer cry when I get my period. I am so in tune with my body that I know exactly when it's coming. I expect it and prepare myself.
The crying now comes when I see a mom or dad having a moment with their baby. Like when I was on the bus the other day and I saw a dad with his 2 kids. The sister must have been around 4 and the younger boy about 10 months (I never used to be able to judge age, but I think I'm pretty on target these days). Anyway, I was sitting across from them and just watching the interaction. The way the dad was watching his little one. How he was holding him and making sure he didn't fall. The enjoyment he got from letting his child stand on his lap and sway back and forth with the movement of the bus. It was precious. The baby was so happy, smiling and giggling with his older sister. His little feet and hands, holding on so tightly. It was a moment, a moment I crave for myself. I moment that pains me because I cant achieve that. It hurts. It makes me so sad. It leaves me weak, both emotionally and physically.
It's weird how much has changed over the year. When we first started trying I wanted the pregnancy so bad. I was ready to be pregnant and go through the experience, more than I was ready for the actual baby. I would be so jealous of pregnant women and would picture my own belly growing. But now, it's not the actual pregnancy I crave so much, it's the baby. It's seeing parents with their children that I envy. At some point I unknowingly made the switch from just wanting pregnancy, to really wanting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I still really want to be pregnant, but now it's the end result that I truly want. I feel like I'm soo ready now. So ready to care for and love my child. I'm ready to expand my family and share those experiences with my husband. I'm ready to change my life and fill it with the joys of a child. I'm ready for those special moments.
Please, I'm begging, give me those special moments.
This month marks a year. I am officially 'one of those people', the 'infertile' one.
I've been putting off getting an HSG. I fear what they might find, and also fear the physical pain it will cause. But as each day goes by, I know its something I have to do. I know i'll eventually get to that point and just do it.
I no longer cry when I get my period. I am so in tune with my body that I know exactly when it's coming. I expect it and prepare myself.
The crying now comes when I see a mom or dad having a moment with their baby. Like when I was on the bus the other day and I saw a dad with his 2 kids. The sister must have been around 4 and the younger boy about 10 months (I never used to be able to judge age, but I think I'm pretty on target these days). Anyway, I was sitting across from them and just watching the interaction. The way the dad was watching his little one. How he was holding him and making sure he didn't fall. The enjoyment he got from letting his child stand on his lap and sway back and forth with the movement of the bus. It was precious. The baby was so happy, smiling and giggling with his older sister. His little feet and hands, holding on so tightly. It was a moment, a moment I crave for myself. I moment that pains me because I cant achieve that. It hurts. It makes me so sad. It leaves me weak, both emotionally and physically.
It's weird how much has changed over the year. When we first started trying I wanted the pregnancy so bad. I was ready to be pregnant and go through the experience, more than I was ready for the actual baby. I would be so jealous of pregnant women and would picture my own belly growing. But now, it's not the actual pregnancy I crave so much, it's the baby. It's seeing parents with their children that I envy. At some point I unknowingly made the switch from just wanting pregnancy, to really wanting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I still really want to be pregnant, but now it's the end result that I truly want. I feel like I'm soo ready now. So ready to care for and love my child. I'm ready to expand my family and share those experiences with my husband. I'm ready to change my life and fill it with the joys of a child. I'm ready for those special moments.
Please, I'm begging, give me those special moments.
April 18, 2008
Pass Down The Wine
I haven't blogged because I have nothing to blog about.
This month is pretty much out. I came back from my business trip on cd13 and only got in one deposit before ovulation. Doing the deed for the sole purpose of trying for a baby is not creating happy times here. It's really wearing on us, and becoming more of a chore.
At this point i don't even see myself pregnant or getting pregnant. I feel like I am one of those really unlucky people. At the start of this journey i would think how big my belly would be with each season. I was picturing my big belly on the beach, or how big i would be during the holidays. Would I be able to pick up my food from the CSA? I didn't buy clothing because I thought i wouldn't fit into it anymore.
Silly me.
These past 2 years I have been living my life with the expectation of actually getting pregnant. I've been preparing my body and home for a baby. Living by all the rules, like not drinking wine. Not eating raw fish or soft cheese after ovulation. reading baby and pregnancy blogs. hubby even subscribed us to several baby/parent magazines (which I did Not ask for). But i'm done with that. I'm buying clothes now. I'm drinking wine, and i"m eating whatever I want. And i'm done reading about parenting and babies.
I'm taking my old life back. I'm now living each month without thinking I may be pregnant. I still hope for it, but I no longer think this is the month. I need to keep myself grounded. I will no longer look at other babies and pregnant women and wish I had that. i will not be jealous. I must not get my hopes up each month.
Or at least I need to keep telling myself all this.
This month is pretty much out. I came back from my business trip on cd13 and only got in one deposit before ovulation. Doing the deed for the sole purpose of trying for a baby is not creating happy times here. It's really wearing on us, and becoming more of a chore.
At this point i don't even see myself pregnant or getting pregnant. I feel like I am one of those really unlucky people. At the start of this journey i would think how big my belly would be with each season. I was picturing my big belly on the beach, or how big i would be during the holidays. Would I be able to pick up my food from the CSA? I didn't buy clothing because I thought i wouldn't fit into it anymore.
Silly me.
These past 2 years I have been living my life with the expectation of actually getting pregnant. I've been preparing my body and home for a baby. Living by all the rules, like not drinking wine. Not eating raw fish or soft cheese after ovulation. reading baby and pregnancy blogs. hubby even subscribed us to several baby/parent magazines (which I did Not ask for). But i'm done with that. I'm buying clothes now. I'm drinking wine, and i"m eating whatever I want. And i'm done reading about parenting and babies.
I'm taking my old life back. I'm now living each month without thinking I may be pregnant. I still hope for it, but I no longer think this is the month. I need to keep myself grounded. I will no longer look at other babies and pregnant women and wish I had that. i will not be jealous. I must not get my hopes up each month.
Or at least I need to keep telling myself all this.
April 3, 2008
What's Coming Up
I finally called my dr yesterday to hear him say what I knew he would tell me. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this (as all of us are). But I I'm totally dreading the next step; the HSG.
He said that hubby should go get a sperm count and I should schedule an HSG around cd 9. Then he used the words clomid and laparoscopy.
I'm not ready to do an HSG although I know I'll need to do it. It totally freaks me out, and not because of what they may discover (although that too), but because I totally fear pain. I have a very low threshold and scared out of my mind to get this test. I know it's probably not that bad considering other tests and surgeries, but I get such anxiety.
When I told hubby he needs to get his sperm checked, he started bitching that he's gotta whack off then hand over his cup-o-sperm to a nurse. Then I told him what I have to go through which shut him up rather quickly.
Oh boy. Don't want to do this. I cry everyday wishing it wasn't so hard. I find out from facebook all the people I know/knew from school are pregnant or just had babies. I also cry because at some point I know I need to tell my mom. She's my best friend and tell her just about everything. But I never told her about our plans and that we've been trying (although hubby slipped a few times about a year ago). I've had this secret for so long and I don't know how much longer I can keep this from her, especially when I have to start going through all these tests. I know she'll offer me great support, but I also don't want the nagging questions, comments and advice.
In the meantime, as I type this I hear Oprah talking about her upcoming show...A pregnant man.
He said that hubby should go get a sperm count and I should schedule an HSG around cd 9. Then he used the words clomid and laparoscopy.
I'm not ready to do an HSG although I know I'll need to do it. It totally freaks me out, and not because of what they may discover (although that too), but because I totally fear pain. I have a very low threshold and scared out of my mind to get this test. I know it's probably not that bad considering other tests and surgeries, but I get such anxiety.
When I told hubby he needs to get his sperm checked, he started bitching that he's gotta whack off then hand over his cup-o-sperm to a nurse. Then I told him what I have to go through which shut him up rather quickly.
Oh boy. Don't want to do this. I cry everyday wishing it wasn't so hard. I find out from facebook all the people I know/knew from school are pregnant or just had babies. I also cry because at some point I know I need to tell my mom. She's my best friend and tell her just about everything. But I never told her about our plans and that we've been trying (although hubby slipped a few times about a year ago). I've had this secret for so long and I don't know how much longer I can keep this from her, especially when I have to start going through all these tests. I know she'll offer me great support, but I also don't want the nagging questions, comments and advice.
In the meantime, as I type this I hear Oprah talking about her upcoming show...A pregnant man.
April 2, 2008
The One Dayer
I literally had my period for One day. It wasn't even heavy. I started to feel those annoyingly mild cramps on Saturday, then by nighttime there was a hint of pinkish on the toilet paper, but no bleeding. When I woke up on Sunday I knew I was getting my period so I put in a tampon. I changed it twice that day, and there wasn't much blood both times. Then by Monday it was totally gone. No brown spotting, nothing.
My periods never last long, usually the 1st day is moderate, light the second day, and then 2-3 days of spotting.
But One day, wtf.
Has this happened to anyone? A one day period?
I know some people might think it's due to stress, but believe me, i'm not stressed. I really don't have a stressful life (I thank my hubby for that). I sometimes wonder if my short, light periods have anything to do with me not getting pregnant.
I didn't call the dr. yet. I should, but i just don't feel like going in and dealing with it this month.
In the meantime, getting my period on Sunday means I had a 28 day cycle. This business trip is getting in the way of valuable bding. I leave on CD 8 and get home CD 13. Hopefully I don't ovulate early this month.
On another note, my sis is doing ok. She went to the dr yesterday and they finally told her she can start walking around, but still take it easy. Her interpretation of this comment is: she can get her nails done and do lunch with her friends, but not allowed to make the bed or do the dishes.
Her baby is doing fine and the blood clot is getting smaller.
I'm already sick and tired of hearing about her and her pregnancy, and it's only been 11 weeks.
My periods never last long, usually the 1st day is moderate, light the second day, and then 2-3 days of spotting.
But One day, wtf.
Has this happened to anyone? A one day period?
I know some people might think it's due to stress, but believe me, i'm not stressed. I really don't have a stressful life (I thank my hubby for that). I sometimes wonder if my short, light periods have anything to do with me not getting pregnant.
I didn't call the dr. yet. I should, but i just don't feel like going in and dealing with it this month.
In the meantime, getting my period on Sunday means I had a 28 day cycle. This business trip is getting in the way of valuable bding. I leave on CD 8 and get home CD 13. Hopefully I don't ovulate early this month.
On another note, my sis is doing ok. She went to the dr yesterday and they finally told her she can start walking around, but still take it easy. Her interpretation of this comment is: she can get her nails done and do lunch with her friends, but not allowed to make the bed or do the dishes.
Her baby is doing fine and the blood clot is getting smaller.
I'm already sick and tired of hearing about her and her pregnancy, and it's only been 11 weeks.
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