Well, I just got the call that I knew was coming. My sister is pregnant. Happy fucking Valentines Day.
Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her. Really, I am. She's gone through so much, both emotionally and physically. She deserves this just as much as anyone else. They implanted 3 embryos, with the odds of 3 developing at only 6%. I guess because the eggs have been frozen, so the quality isn't as great. But it is likely she could have 2. At this point she's OK with that. 2 years ago when she started this process, she was freaking out over the idea of having twins - totally freaking.
She definitely got what she wanted for V-day. She is happy. I am happy for her.
But it still fucking sucks. I want to be pregnant. I want to feel her joy.
I hate this holiday ‘Valentines Day’, always have. It's a stupid Hallmark day that makes you spend more money on cards and things no one wants. A day when restaurants can hike up prices and people wear red. It's not that I'm not romantic, but I'll be romantic when I want to be, not because America decided on this day. I wanted to boycott this day, but instead we decided to spend no more than $25 – no surprises. I usually make a nice dinner, but i’m not into it this year. I really don’t feel like doing anything. Hubby left me a rose at the door when he was leaving this morning. So far I’ve gotten him a card.
Although, I have to say, I am happy and excited for today. Cuz tonight is the start of baby making. CD 11. I've been really good with taking my vitamins, drinking tea and taking the evening primrose. And it works! I had some stretchy cm last night. it wasn't as clear as they talk about, but it stretched, and that a good thing.
So maybe this will be my month. Maybe my sister and I could be pregnant together. Despite all the competitiveness and jealousy and sibling rivalry, I wouldn't mind doing this together; having this miracle bring us closer together.
I wish that's what God intended. Please, let this be my month.
February 14, 2008
February 11, 2008
Complete Opposites
The only thing my sister and I have in common is the fact we both have problems getting pregnant. My sis and brother-in-law were diagnosed with infertility when they learned his swimmers aren’t swimming so well. It’s been a long journey for them to get to where they are today.
They discovered their problems when they were trying for their first. After 6 months of trying naturally, they decided that was long enough and made the appointments with the drs. She took all the required blood work, HSG and everything came back fine. That’s when they found his mobility to be really low. They started with IUI and I think she got pregnant the first or second time. That was 6 years ago and now they have a beautiful 5 year old daughter.
When they decided to try for another child, they were only going to try naturally for 3 months. They knew the issues at hand and they figured why waste time (I think she was 34 at the time, now she’ll be 36 next month). After the 3 months they started with the IUI. I’m not sure how many she had, but it was a whole bunch, I want to say at least 6-8. That wasn’t working, and the next steps were IVF. I’m not really close to my sister so I’ve never talked to her about this stuff. But I am really close to my mom and we would have lengthy conversations of what my sister is going through and how she is dealing with it.
Even though I live across the park from my sister, we rarely see or speak to each other. My sister and I see the world completely different. Our thoughts, how we deal with things, our perspective on life, everything is complete opposite. She’s the typical type A, high strung, materialistic, overly dramatic, always running around, when having a conversation she talks about the lunch she had with her friends and what they are doing. She can’t pee without running it by her friends, and doesn’t care about anything but herself. I’m the typical B personality. Very laid back, down to earth, into eating organic, no-chemicals-lets-save-the-world, deep into my thoughts, can’t stand the bullshit, can stay home and entertain myself for days, and overly compassionate- especially with animals (hence being vegetarian).
As night and day my sister and I are, my mom and I as too much alike and extremely close. When people talk about soul mates, I know what they mean. We think alike, see the world the same, want the same things, and when I ask a question, she always answers the way I would. We can finish each others thoughts. We talk about anything and everything.
My mom and never really agreed with how my sister was doing and dealing with the issue. She was put on all these different drugs, taking shots and doing the IVF clomid thing. She got pregnant, but then miscarried. Once she got her period, she was back on the drugs, preparing for round 2. This time she froze the remaining embryos. Unfortunately she miscarried again. Without giving her body a rest from all the drugs, she went onto round 3. And finally, Feb 5th, they once again implanted 3 embryos, with the assumption, and hope only one will stick.
When she started trying for #1 6 years ago, she told lots of people, and she gave details. Everyone in the family (our side and his), knew what they were going through. And she did the same this time around. She said she only told us and a few ‘very’ close friends. I don’t know if she realizes it, but her caddy friends all gossip with each other, and she was just another gossipy conversation for them. Because of her dissappointments, apparently she only told my mom and her mother-in-law about this last round (and probably a friend or 2). She’s hinted to me that she’s going through the process again, but never told me dates or details. Technically I’m not supposed to know she’s ‘pregnant’. I truly hope this one sticks. I can feel her pain, wanting something so bad and not being able to get it.
Could this be the one thing that will bring us closer together. The one thing and we can share how we feel. But then i think, no we are complete opposites. At this point, I don't want to share my struggles, I don't feel the need to share it with my friends.
I haven't told a single soul that we’ve been trying to get pregnant. Not even my mom.
They discovered their problems when they were trying for their first. After 6 months of trying naturally, they decided that was long enough and made the appointments with the drs. She took all the required blood work, HSG and everything came back fine. That’s when they found his mobility to be really low. They started with IUI and I think she got pregnant the first or second time. That was 6 years ago and now they have a beautiful 5 year old daughter.
When they decided to try for another child, they were only going to try naturally for 3 months. They knew the issues at hand and they figured why waste time (I think she was 34 at the time, now she’ll be 36 next month). After the 3 months they started with the IUI. I’m not sure how many she had, but it was a whole bunch, I want to say at least 6-8. That wasn’t working, and the next steps were IVF. I’m not really close to my sister so I’ve never talked to her about this stuff. But I am really close to my mom and we would have lengthy conversations of what my sister is going through and how she is dealing with it.
Even though I live across the park from my sister, we rarely see or speak to each other. My sister and I see the world completely different. Our thoughts, how we deal with things, our perspective on life, everything is complete opposite. She’s the typical type A, high strung, materialistic, overly dramatic, always running around, when having a conversation she talks about the lunch she had with her friends and what they are doing. She can’t pee without running it by her friends, and doesn’t care about anything but herself. I’m the typical B personality. Very laid back, down to earth, into eating organic, no-chemicals-lets-save-the-world, deep into my thoughts, can’t stand the bullshit, can stay home and entertain myself for days, and overly compassionate- especially with animals (hence being vegetarian).
As night and day my sister and I are, my mom and I as too much alike and extremely close. When people talk about soul mates, I know what they mean. We think alike, see the world the same, want the same things, and when I ask a question, she always answers the way I would. We can finish each others thoughts. We talk about anything and everything.
My mom and never really agreed with how my sister was doing and dealing with the issue. She was put on all these different drugs, taking shots and doing the IVF clomid thing. She got pregnant, but then miscarried. Once she got her period, she was back on the drugs, preparing for round 2. This time she froze the remaining embryos. Unfortunately she miscarried again. Without giving her body a rest from all the drugs, she went onto round 3. And finally, Feb 5th, they once again implanted 3 embryos, with the assumption, and hope only one will stick.
When she started trying for #1 6 years ago, she told lots of people, and she gave details. Everyone in the family (our side and his), knew what they were going through. And she did the same this time around. She said she only told us and a few ‘very’ close friends. I don’t know if she realizes it, but her caddy friends all gossip with each other, and she was just another gossipy conversation for them. Because of her dissappointments, apparently she only told my mom and her mother-in-law about this last round (and probably a friend or 2). She’s hinted to me that she’s going through the process again, but never told me dates or details. Technically I’m not supposed to know she’s ‘pregnant’. I truly hope this one sticks. I can feel her pain, wanting something so bad and not being able to get it.
Could this be the one thing that will bring us closer together. The one thing and we can share how we feel. But then i think, no we are complete opposites. At this point, I don't want to share my struggles, I don't feel the need to share it with my friends.
I haven't told a single soul that we’ve been trying to get pregnant. Not even my mom.
February 4, 2008
A New Meditation Room
Painful period cramps woke me up on this gloomy monday morning. When I told Hubby, the second thing he said to me was "we should have a big steak this time". (The first thing he said was how sorry he was, etc.).
CD1
I knew this wasn't the month, yet I'm still so sad and cry. While Hubby and I were moving the car for alternate side of the street parking (one of the many ridiculous things city dwellers do), Hubby and I had a good talk, actually it was more of him talking, me listening. Looking at him, or saying anything just makes my eyes swell with tears. He said some good things, and makes me a little more hopeful that this could still happen naturally.
He's all into the God thing and is a big believer. He's not a preacher, he mostly keep it to himself because he knows I'm not much of a believer. It's not that I don't believe in a 'something', I just don't necessarily believe in 'God'. He respects that, and I respect his beliefs, but he really wishes that we were on the same boat with this subject. It's not so much about religion (because I'm Jewish and he's Catholic), but more about believing in God and having faith. Well, we'll see where that goes. I'm more into the spiritual side of things and think meditation may help. So that my mission today. I'm going to head over to the tibetan store and find a good meditation cd and maybe a pillow.
We actually have a perfect meditation room in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Back when we just started talking about getting pregnant we decided to stick it out in our apartment and convert 2 walk-in closets into a nursary. Not ideal, I know. But there is no way we can afford a 2 bedroom, even after selling and making almost double for what we paid for our 1 bedroom. Anyway, we came up with a plan, installed a wall of closets, did someother construction in the apartment to creat space and storage. What we ended up with was a new, very tiny, but beautiful room with french doors, a ceiling fan and comfy soft wool carpet. The walls are a soft white and the carpet is an oak color. It's warm and cozy.
More about the renovation another day. In the meantime, we have an empty space. Seems perfect for a temporary meditation room.
CD1
I knew this wasn't the month, yet I'm still so sad and cry. While Hubby and I were moving the car for alternate side of the street parking (one of the many ridiculous things city dwellers do), Hubby and I had a good talk, actually it was more of him talking, me listening. Looking at him, or saying anything just makes my eyes swell with tears. He said some good things, and makes me a little more hopeful that this could still happen naturally.
He's all into the God thing and is a big believer. He's not a preacher, he mostly keep it to himself because he knows I'm not much of a believer. It's not that I don't believe in a 'something', I just don't necessarily believe in 'God'. He respects that, and I respect his beliefs, but he really wishes that we were on the same boat with this subject. It's not so much about religion (because I'm Jewish and he's Catholic), but more about believing in God and having faith. Well, we'll see where that goes. I'm more into the spiritual side of things and think meditation may help. So that my mission today. I'm going to head over to the tibetan store and find a good meditation cd and maybe a pillow.
We actually have a perfect meditation room in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Back when we just started talking about getting pregnant we decided to stick it out in our apartment and convert 2 walk-in closets into a nursary. Not ideal, I know. But there is no way we can afford a 2 bedroom, even after selling and making almost double for what we paid for our 1 bedroom. Anyway, we came up with a plan, installed a wall of closets, did someother construction in the apartment to creat space and storage. What we ended up with was a new, very tiny, but beautiful room with french doors, a ceiling fan and comfy soft wool carpet. The walls are a soft white and the carpet is an oak color. It's warm and cozy.
More about the renovation another day. In the meantime, we have an empty space. Seems perfect for a temporary meditation room.
February 3, 2008
My Shower Theory
CD 29
I feel it coming. I get the mild annoying crampyness going, and i know its on the way. Just spare me and come already. Even though i know the chances of being pregnant are like .5%, i still have the .5% of hope that this might be the month. So until i see red, i'm still so slightly hopeful.
Hubby keeps asking me how i feel. i keep telling him i feel fine. i have nothing to report, i feel nothing different; unlike a few months ago when i had every pregnancy symptom there is.
The one symptom that got me convinced started 2 months into ttc. During the ttw i swear i was feeling things. My boobs were suddenly getting so sore and slightly bigger, which never happened before. Usually my pms consists of bitchyness and mood swings, but never sore bbs. There were a few months that my boobs hurt so much I was protecting them from any accidental poking. So naturally in the back of my mind i'm thinking, yeay, im pregnant. but then as CD 27, 28, 29 rolled around, the soreness got milder and went away. And my period had arrived, bummer. This went on for 6 months. I learned to accept the fact that my boobs are going to hurt every month, and that its not really a sign and i shouldn't get my hopes up. But towards the 5th & 6th month of this the soreness wasn't as bad. And now, nothing. No sore boobs, ever. Not even for a day. WTF. Seriously, wtf.
Last week in the shower i came up with a theory (all the best ideas happen in the shower). So my theory on this bb pain is that i'm having chemical pregnancies. The egg and spermies are meeting, chemical shit happening, my body's reacting and my bbs hurt. But there's no implantation. This would explain the one month that i spotted. Yeah, i know, bb pain and spotting, classic signs. But then my period came and I was shocked. So I'm thinking, it tried to implant, but never did. And now i'm thinking thats the problem, the little ones are unable to implant. And that makes me sad. But i'm still in denial, and its still not 12 months, so i will have hope. One of these little fuckers will be strong enough to implant, and i hopes its a girl.
I feel it coming. I get the mild annoying crampyness going, and i know its on the way. Just spare me and come already. Even though i know the chances of being pregnant are like .5%, i still have the .5% of hope that this might be the month. So until i see red, i'm still so slightly hopeful.
Hubby keeps asking me how i feel. i keep telling him i feel fine. i have nothing to report, i feel nothing different; unlike a few months ago when i had every pregnancy symptom there is.
The one symptom that got me convinced started 2 months into ttc. During the ttw i swear i was feeling things. My boobs were suddenly getting so sore and slightly bigger, which never happened before. Usually my pms consists of bitchyness and mood swings, but never sore bbs. There were a few months that my boobs hurt so much I was protecting them from any accidental poking. So naturally in the back of my mind i'm thinking, yeay, im pregnant. but then as CD 27, 28, 29 rolled around, the soreness got milder and went away. And my period had arrived, bummer. This went on for 6 months. I learned to accept the fact that my boobs are going to hurt every month, and that its not really a sign and i shouldn't get my hopes up. But towards the 5th & 6th month of this the soreness wasn't as bad. And now, nothing. No sore boobs, ever. Not even for a day. WTF. Seriously, wtf.
Last week in the shower i came up with a theory (all the best ideas happen in the shower). So my theory on this bb pain is that i'm having chemical pregnancies. The egg and spermies are meeting, chemical shit happening, my body's reacting and my bbs hurt. But there's no implantation. This would explain the one month that i spotted. Yeah, i know, bb pain and spotting, classic signs. But then my period came and I was shocked. So I'm thinking, it tried to implant, but never did. And now i'm thinking thats the problem, the little ones are unable to implant. And that makes me sad. But i'm still in denial, and its still not 12 months, so i will have hope. One of these little fuckers will be strong enough to implant, and i hopes its a girl.
January 23, 2008
Riding and Making Babies
We just came back from a long weekend of snowboarding in Vermont. If there was any chance of a baby, then I knocked it right out of my fallopian tubes.
CD 18.
It should have been a perfect baby making time because I ovulated during our vacation. On the other hand, we were on a vacation where I did a lot of falling on my ass. I just started riding 2 years ago and this was our first time this season. I was a little rusty going down the slopes. By the second day I felt all brave and decided to hit the blue trails where I did most of the hard landings.
It would seriously be a miracle if the spermies held on and met up with my bouncing egg.
I'm kinda pissed about this. Between my tea drinking and vitamins I think I produced some good ewcm. I saw some for a few days before ovulating - that was a first.
I think I'm going to take next month off. First off, I dont want a Nov/Dec baby. 2nd, I want to be able to ski again. Hubby and his friends have had a tradition of taking an all guys ski trip during Presidents Day, where the wives stay home. Now that I ski, last year I decided if he goes, I go. And so I was the only female there. All the hubbies don't want their wives there, but i'm not having that. I want to go skiing just as much as he does, so why should I be left out. I'm starting a new tradition.
Anyway, I'll still drink my tea and take the vitamins, but i'll try Not to be so conscious of days (I said try, but i know I will still obsess).
CD 18.
It should have been a perfect baby making time because I ovulated during our vacation. On the other hand, we were on a vacation where I did a lot of falling on my ass. I just started riding 2 years ago and this was our first time this season. I was a little rusty going down the slopes. By the second day I felt all brave and decided to hit the blue trails where I did most of the hard landings.
It would seriously be a miracle if the spermies held on and met up with my bouncing egg.
I'm kinda pissed about this. Between my tea drinking and vitamins I think I produced some good ewcm. I saw some for a few days before ovulating - that was a first.
I think I'm going to take next month off. First off, I dont want a Nov/Dec baby. 2nd, I want to be able to ski again. Hubby and his friends have had a tradition of taking an all guys ski trip during Presidents Day, where the wives stay home. Now that I ski, last year I decided if he goes, I go. And so I was the only female there. All the hubbies don't want their wives there, but i'm not having that. I want to go skiing just as much as he does, so why should I be left out. I'm starting a new tradition.
Anyway, I'll still drink my tea and take the vitamins, but i'll try Not to be so conscious of days (I said try, but i know I will still obsess).
January 17, 2008
Good Things
CD 12 and i see stretching!
This is great! I saw it this morning and I saw it again this afternoon. The only other time I've seen ewcm in a past cycle was once in the morning, then it was gone. So I’m super excited that I've seen it through out the day. What makes me more excited is that when I took the OPK this morning it came out negative. Not that I’m excited about the negative, but maybe this time the ewcm will be more abundant, providing the little swimmers a better environment. I'm thinking all my tea drinking, evening primrose and vitamin taking is actually helping my cm. Yeay.
My lower back has been killing me, another clue that O is right around the corner.
This is great! I saw it this morning and I saw it again this afternoon. The only other time I've seen ewcm in a past cycle was once in the morning, then it was gone. So I’m super excited that I've seen it through out the day. What makes me more excited is that when I took the OPK this morning it came out negative. Not that I’m excited about the negative, but maybe this time the ewcm will be more abundant, providing the little swimmers a better environment. I'm thinking all my tea drinking, evening primrose and vitamin taking is actually helping my cm. Yeay.
My lower back has been killing me, another clue that O is right around the corner.
January 12, 2008
It's called Desperation
I’m on CD 7 and excited about O coming soon.
This cycle I’ve been really good about taking the prenatal vitamins. When I visited my doc in Sept (no, not to discuss being infertile), he gave me a prescription for vitamins that are vegetarian friendly (they’re made without fish oil). I hate them because I have to take 2 horse pills instead of 1. Also, there’s no generic brand so every month its another $35 for vitamins.
In addition to the vitamins I started taking Evening Primrose Oil and drinking 1 cup of green tea, and 1 cup of some other tea with Dong Quai Root extract. I know, I’m sounding desperate, and believe me, I am. I will do anything (well almost anything) not to hit the infertile mark and realize there’s some really wrong with me. When I got AF this time I had a 2 day long OCD moment and researched everything and anything to help me get pregnant. I read that Evening Primrose Oil is supposed to help promote EWCM. I don’t usually get the eggwhite stuff that everyone talks about. I think I’ve only seen it once in the 9 cycles we’ve been trying. So I’m hoping this will help.
The Dong Quai Root is supposed to help with hormone balance (which I think every woman needs). The brand is Yogi Tea, and it says ‘woman’s moon cycle’ on the box. So if anything, it should at least help with my horrid PMS.
And the green tea, well we all know that green tea is the ultimate, so I figured that cant hurt. Drinking the tea also forces me to drink fluids and stay hydrated. I generally don’t drink that much during the day. There are days when all I drink is my morning coffee and some sips of water at night. I know that’s not good for me but I’m never thirsty, plus I hate having to pee. And god forbid if I really gotta go and can’t get to a bathroom.
Speaking of bathroom, I also bought some OPKs (I know, leave me alone, I already mentioned my desperation). I've bought them twice before and I know i get my surge around CD14. But I'm not taking anymore chances. My body has done some weird things these past 9 months so I want to make sure I got the timing right, especially cause I lack in EWCM department.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
This cycle I’ve been really good about taking the prenatal vitamins. When I visited my doc in Sept (no, not to discuss being infertile), he gave me a prescription for vitamins that are vegetarian friendly (they’re made without fish oil). I hate them because I have to take 2 horse pills instead of 1. Also, there’s no generic brand so every month its another $35 for vitamins.
In addition to the vitamins I started taking Evening Primrose Oil and drinking 1 cup of green tea, and 1 cup of some other tea with Dong Quai Root extract. I know, I’m sounding desperate, and believe me, I am. I will do anything (well almost anything) not to hit the infertile mark and realize there’s some really wrong with me. When I got AF this time I had a 2 day long OCD moment and researched everything and anything to help me get pregnant. I read that Evening Primrose Oil is supposed to help promote EWCM. I don’t usually get the eggwhite stuff that everyone talks about. I think I’ve only seen it once in the 9 cycles we’ve been trying. So I’m hoping this will help.
The Dong Quai Root is supposed to help with hormone balance (which I think every woman needs). The brand is Yogi Tea, and it says ‘woman’s moon cycle’ on the box. So if anything, it should at least help with my horrid PMS.
And the green tea, well we all know that green tea is the ultimate, so I figured that cant hurt. Drinking the tea also forces me to drink fluids and stay hydrated. I generally don’t drink that much during the day. There are days when all I drink is my morning coffee and some sips of water at night. I know that’s not good for me but I’m never thirsty, plus I hate having to pee. And god forbid if I really gotta go and can’t get to a bathroom.
Speaking of bathroom, I also bought some OPKs (I know, leave me alone, I already mentioned my desperation). I've bought them twice before and I know i get my surge around CD14. But I'm not taking anymore chances. My body has done some weird things these past 9 months so I want to make sure I got the timing right, especially cause I lack in EWCM department.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
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