March 12, 2012

Long awaited update

So I have completely forgotten about this blog, and now it's YEARS later. I thought it would be nice for those who stumble across this depressing blog to know where I'm at.

After years of trying naturally, countless IUIs, and a failed IVF round, I finally got pregnant after an FET (frozen embryo transplant). And what do you know, I had twins. A boy and girl born August 2010. They are 19 months as I type this and the joys of my life. Unfortunately I don't have the time to write about them or the rest of the infertility journey, but for those of you who struggle, there is hope. It sucks, it hurts, and no one can ever understand the pain we go through, but keep at it. Because the end result is worth every single tear we cry.

June 5, 2009


Surprisingly I've gotten a few emails asking how I've been and asking for an update.

I've been doing alright, but sadly, I'm still not pregnant.

My period is coming today, I feel it, and I'm really depressed about it.

I've been going to an RE and have done 3 cycles of double natural IUIs with trigger shots. My husband is so concerned about multiples that taking any drugs with the iui seems to be out of the question. I ovulate fine, and I always have one juicy follicle for the iui. I've had the complete b/w done and everything checks out fine. Hubby had another SA and the kroger test done, and everything is fine. (The drs are actually very impressed with his high sperm count, although his mobility count is slightly low.) I'm supposed to schedule a sonohysterogram for this week and then have another consultation with the dr. I'm preparing myself for our next step - or close to the next step: IVF with 1 embryo transfer. I'm going to have to talk it over and try to convince my husband this is the next step if we don't do drugs with iui. This will be tough, because he doesn't believe in all this. He wants me to go see another RE for a second opinion. But I'm not sure what he wants an opinion on. An iui is an iui - doesn't matter what dr you go to. But keep in mind we're going to a very good RE in nyc. This is not some rinky dink 1 man show in the boondocks.

Mentally I've been doing ok, except for the few days surrounding my period, naturally. I still get those sobbing sessions and my heart aches. But I certainly don't obsess about getting pregnant like I once did. I eat sushi and drink wine when I want. I buy clothes without thinking they may not fit in a few months. And the only charting I do is when my period comes, when I ovulate and when I get the IUIs.

It's been over 2 years since we started trying to become pregnant. When I used to read other blogs and saw a time frame like that, I was in shock that it was taking them so long. I was ignorant. So ignorant. I wish I could personally apologize to anyone I ever secretly judged about their infertility.

This is a journey I don't wish upon anyone. It's hard, it's painful and it's draining. But I continue hoping for my little miracle. A little miracle that brings so much joy and happiness. A little miracle that is mine to take care of. To feed. To hold. To love.

And with that, I continue my journey...

November 2, 2008


I'm sorry I haven't posted anything. And no, I'm not pregnant. I'm just trying to get away from all this - i guess what they call 'taking a break'. Not from trying the old fashion way, but a break from obsessing; a mental break. I've stopped charting, stopped posting, stopped reading others blogs (well, i still glance at them, but try not to read them, sorry), basically stopped obsessing about ttc. I didn't go to the dr this month to schedule any treatments, and have nothing planned for next month either.

I'm trying to put my mind in a better place. I've been meditating every morning, and come the new year, i'll switch my insurance and go to an re for more treatments.

Oh, and i told my mom about our situation. It went fine, as i knew it would. And i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Oh, and my sister had her baby a few days ago. He is an adorable little guy. Really so cute, and so good (so far).

I'm currently in my tww. Hubby went on a week long business trip and left on cd13, so we did what we could.

This will probably be the last post for a while. I want to thank my 3 readers for reading. I just need to get my head out of the game and go back to a normal, happy, no baby stress life. So if i remove everything thats making me crazy, maybe it will help with my mind/body connection. Thats not to say I don't think about it. I do all the time. My 26 minute meditation revolves around it. I'm just trying to leave behind all the negativity.

So again, thanks for reading, and I hope to have an update someday soon.

October 10, 2008

Going Holistic In NYC

One of the things Hubby was saying to me last night was how I should try going the more holistic route. He's not a fan of the drs. recommendations of drugs and artificial treatments. So, to entertain his suggestion...

Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.


It's Just To Hard

i thought this blog would help me with this process, but i find myself not wanting to write because I don't want to deal with the issue. When i write, i have to confront my pain. it forces me to think about how i feel about our situation. And I want it to just go away. that if i ignore it, it will go away. that its all just a dream.

but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.

Yesterday was one such event.

As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.

My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.

I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.

the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.

But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.

It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.

This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.

October 3, 2008

Party Without Me

Last night when making dinner hubby told me we have a birthday party to go to on Sat. I got all exciting thinking, oh a friend is having a party and now we have a Sat night activity. Wrong. Turns out it's his partner's (at work) kid's 3 year birthday party.

What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.

He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?

I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.

September 29, 2008

The Joy of Baking

I forgot to mention that I have to see my pregnant sister tonight. She's due about the 3rd week of October. She's huge and she walks/sits around like she is the Queen of the City. She talks and acts as if she is the only one who is, or ever has been pregnant. But I think I mentioned this in a past post.

Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.

In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.