November 2, 2008


I'm sorry I haven't posted anything. And no, I'm not pregnant. I'm just trying to get away from all this - i guess what they call 'taking a break'. Not from trying the old fashion way, but a break from obsessing; a mental break. I've stopped charting, stopped posting, stopped reading others blogs (well, i still glance at them, but try not to read them, sorry), basically stopped obsessing about ttc. I didn't go to the dr this month to schedule any treatments, and have nothing planned for next month either.

I'm trying to put my mind in a better place. I've been meditating every morning, and come the new year, i'll switch my insurance and go to an re for more treatments.

Oh, and i told my mom about our situation. It went fine, as i knew it would. And i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Oh, and my sister had her baby a few days ago. He is an adorable little guy. Really so cute, and so good (so far).

I'm currently in my tww. Hubby went on a week long business trip and left on cd13, so we did what we could.

This will probably be the last post for a while. I want to thank my 3 readers for reading. I just need to get my head out of the game and go back to a normal, happy, no baby stress life. So if i remove everything thats making me crazy, maybe it will help with my mind/body connection. Thats not to say I don't think about it. I do all the time. My 26 minute meditation revolves around it. I'm just trying to leave behind all the negativity.

So again, thanks for reading, and I hope to have an update someday soon.

October 10, 2008

Going Holistic In NYC

One of the things Hubby was saying to me last night was how I should try going the more holistic route. He's not a fan of the drs. recommendations of drugs and artificial treatments. So, to entertain his suggestion...

Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.


It's Just To Hard

i thought this blog would help me with this process, but i find myself not wanting to write because I don't want to deal with the issue. When i write, i have to confront my pain. it forces me to think about how i feel about our situation. And I want it to just go away. that if i ignore it, it will go away. that its all just a dream.

but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.

Yesterday was one such event.

As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.

My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.

I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.

the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.

But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.

It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.

This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.

October 3, 2008

Party Without Me

Last night when making dinner hubby told me we have a birthday party to go to on Sat. I got all exciting thinking, oh a friend is having a party and now we have a Sat night activity. Wrong. Turns out it's his partner's (at work) kid's 3 year birthday party.

What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.

He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?

I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.

September 29, 2008

The Joy of Baking

I forgot to mention that I have to see my pregnant sister tonight. She's due about the 3rd week of October. She's huge and she walks/sits around like she is the Queen of the City. She talks and acts as if she is the only one who is, or ever has been pregnant. But I think I mentioned this in a past post.

Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.

In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.

Happy New Year

Went in for my 2nd sonogram this morning. The Dr walked in and said, 'your estrogen is very high'.

Me: "Is that good or bad?"

Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"

Me: "Thats the plan."

I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.

I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.

Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."

Me:"is that good or bad?"

Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."

Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.

I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.

So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.

I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.

Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.

It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.

September 26, 2008

Went to the dr today for my ultrasound. It wasn't my regular dr, but this one was pretty nice and explained stuff to me. Too bad my head wasn't all there cause I missed some important info. It was cool to see my uterus and follicles. She said I have 2-3 good ones in my right ovary. Nothing in my left. I'm pretty sure she told me the size of them too, but I missed that part. I also had some blood drawn. I have to go back Mon morning and get another sono to see how my follies progressed. Either I'll get the iui on Mon, or get a trigger shot and schedule the iui for tues. I told hubby he's on call for mon and tues.


I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.

Now I'm totally depressed.

If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.

September 21, 2008

Clomid and Crackberry

I started my clomid last night. Tomorrow I have to call the dr. and make an appointment for the ultrasound. It has to be on Friday, cd11, but I know my dr isn't around on Fridays. Well, i guess it's just another stranger looking up my hooha.

Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.

I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).

I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.

The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.

September 17, 2008

I Was Right

My mother fucking period came yesterday.

Now i'm waiting for my dr to call me back. I missed his call yesterday. I was so pissed. I had just got to the office and I heard the last ring on my cell phone. By the time I got to it the voicemail alert rang. I called back immediately and the receptionist said he left for the day and the drs only have a limited time to call patients back, and I should really be available for the drs.

Thanks bitch. But did you ever hear about people having jobs and working so they can pay the drs that charge a shit load of money to do nothing? I mean, if I could sit around all day with the phone strapped to my ass and be at his beck and call, believe me, I would.
Which is exactly what I'm doing today. I'm working from home and walking around with my cell phone attached to my ass. I know he starts phone calls after 2 today and it's now 3:30. So, I'm waiting. And ready to hear that I should start taking clomid this cycle.

I'm trying to build up the strength to call an RE today or tomorrow. I know who I'm going to call. But i have to call my insurance and find out some deets.

Oh the joys of infertility.


Finally the dr called back.

He's calling in a prescription for clomid. I start taking it cd5 then I'll go in cd11 (a friday) and get my ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing. cd14 is on Monday. Cutting it very close around the weekend. I asked about going to an re, and they said lets see what happens with this cycle, and if it doesnt work, then I should go next cycle. Or, he said I could take a break this month.

Break my ass.

Now i gotta tell hubby about this. He's not going to be happy. But i think after my crying fit the other night, he'll be on board with just about anything i say. Hopefully I'm right about this one.

September 15, 2008

Hoping I'm Wrong

I totally feel my period coming. I have those annoying mild cramps and my boobs are not hurting as much as yesterday.


Tomorrow will be 14dpiui. I've had several sob sessions today (good thing I'm working from home today). I'm guessing it will show up tomorrow or the next day. This sucks. This sucks so bad.

I still have that tiny bit of hope that I'm wrong. And I refuse to test, but I want to so bad. At this point it's just a waste of money. But I think I'm more afraid not to see that 2nd pink line. So I wait and really test my willpower.

Every time I visit Facebook I find out someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. Today I found out a high school friend is pregnant with her 2nd. Great.

I don't even know what to say or how to feel. My mind is blank, almost numb. All i can think about is what I have to do next. Call an RE. Get more blood work done. Take drugs. Do another iui.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying, then hoping, then being disappointed. But the real sad part is I've just begun this infertility process. We'll be on cycle 18 but treatment #2. This could go on for a lot longer.

Where do people find the strength?

September 12, 2008

I lied

Remember the other day when I said I don't cry anymore?

I lied.

Yesterday i was riding the subway and i saw a woman get on with her daughter in a stroller. the woman was young and thin with long hair and she reminded me of myself. I was watching her interact with her daughter and then we caught each others eyes. I gave a smirk and looked down because i felt tears swelling my eyes. The rest of the ride home, and even the walk to my apartment my eyes were filled with tears. Not a good day for me.

Today is no better. I'm 97% sure i am not pregnant. Even though my boobs are sore and I've had mild cramps for 4 days, it means nothing. As i look back on my charts I see i've been through the very same things in prior months. But of coarse, I could be (hope I'm) wrong, and will leave that 3% chance.

10 dpiui

I'm never as optimistic as my period comes near. Right after the iui I was so hopeful and excited. Now I just want my period to come so I can move on to the next treatment.

Next treatment... the thought makes me cry.

Why. Why does it have to be so hard, so painful.

I get it now. Appreciate. I get it. And I do. Much more than if i became pregnant in just a few months.
I appreciate the process. I appreciate the body. I appreciate life. I appreciate love. I appreciate all the lessons learned.

My sister is due in 6 weeks. She carried very big this time. She looks like she can give birth at any minute. I understand everyone is very excited about this event and it's all everyone keeps talking about. But it's so painful for me. It makes me cry.

I must be pmsing because I am so sad, and all I can do is cry.

September 9, 2008

A Belly Full of Greens

I have nothing new to report besides being mildly crampy for the past 2 days and my boobs getting a bit more tender each day. I know it means nothing. But I'm hoping it means something.

Got some great stuff at my CSA today (eggplant, garlic, rosemary, peppers, tomato, watermelon, squash, celery, salad, collards, beets, eggs, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines). It was very heavy to carry home.

I am so in love with leafy greens lately, thanks to my farm share. Last year they all went to waste, but this year I cook and eat All of them (literally, because hubby doesn't dig them). Today I cooked up beet greens. Most people toss the leafy greens attached to the beets, but when they're tender and beautiful, they are really delicious. I basically use the same recipe for all the greens (swiss chard, collards, spinach, etc). I make a mixture of olive oil, mirin or balsamic vinegar, a little water, salt, pepper, pepper flakes and roast them in my toaster at 400 with some sliced onions or shallots. Sometimes I add a pinch of sugar depending if the greens are really bitter. They start out over flowing the dish, but they cook down to nothing. I'm telling you, they are really delicious. I have no self control and usually finish them before I even plate up dinner. I know, not a good habit and its probably the reason why I'm never hungry for dinner. But I still manage to always finish my plate.

September 4, 2008

New Food, Better Mood

Everything went according to plan. I got my first peak reading Tuesday morning so we were right on schedule with the iui. We dropped off his sample for washing at 9, and I was inseminated at 11:15. Hubby was in the dr office with me and thought the whole process was very cold. Not surprising that he would say something like that, he didn't want to do it in the first place.

I'm pretty sure i ovulated Tues around 6:30pm. I was so crampy and my nips got so sore. They are still a bit sensitive, but not as bad as when I ovulate.

Now i'm in the tww. The longest 2 weeks ever. Hubby keeps asking how I'm feeling. I think he assumes this is going to work on the first try, kinda like when he thought I would be pregnant the first month we started trying. I specifically told him the day before the iui that it may not work. His response was 'why wouldn't it work.' And he was asking when he said this, it was more like a statement, like of coarse it will, there is no reason why it shouldn't.

I find it hard to be hopeful these days. I can hardly see myself pregnant, let alone holding my own child. I used to be so optimistic about getting and being pregnant, but this experience has taught me otherwise. I feel differently towards my infertility now. I don't cry anymore. There were months when I was crying everyday. In the shower, walking the dog, on the train, anywhere, anytime. It was terrible. I'm certainly more accepting now. I know we have a problem, i'm willing to accept it and do what we have to do. Sure, it's not how I imagined things would be, but it sure has made me a stronger person. And I think a better person. I definitely have a greater appreciation for life. All life.

I'm trying to stay positive and want to think I actually have a chance this month. To keep my mind busy, I did one of my favorite things to do: food shop. I go to this one particular store in the city that has isles upon isles of gourmet and imported foods. They have everything there. Plus they have the largest organic/vegan section I know of in the city. Well, except for Whole Foods. But WF is about triple the price. Anyway, I love to go there and find new product and try new foods. Of coarse I try to stick with the non processed foods, but once in a while I splurge.

Some new foods that I bought today:
lychee (which I've had but never bought)
black velvet apricot (very deep purple, not as sweet as I wanted)
dill (I love dill but never buy it because hubby Hates it, so not sure what to do with it yet)
CrispyDelites (low fat, dehydrated veggie chips)
and the one thing I've been looking for for months, So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt. I'm not a huge soy fan (due to all the processing), and I've heard all great things about this yogurt. I can't wait to try it!

I get happy just talking about food. I think I'll go eat some more lychees.

September 1, 2008

Not Today

i feel like such a liar.

No iui for me today.

Woke up early this morning to find out that I only had a high reading on my cbfm. Still no peak. This is the first time i'm getting 3 days of high readings.

I canceled my appointment for this morning, again. And now i'm hoping i'll get a peak reading tomorrow and go to my dr for the iui. Just like the original plan.

Wow, what a sucky, annoying weekend. I try to mentally prepare myself for the treatment, and get up super early to be fresh and awake. Such disappointment.

I guess this is why everyone opts for the trigger shot.

August 31, 2008

Change In Plans

Yesterday I got a high reading. In the past, once I get the high reading, the next day I see a peak reading. And that means I'm ovulating sooner than I was hoping for. So i called the dr about changing my iui date. Naturally I had to wait for a call back because it was a Sat, and it wasn't even my dr who called me back. It was the annoying one I spoke to on Fri, Mrs. i-couldn't-care-less-about-you. So when i spoke to her yesterday she was like "oh, well, we're not in until Tuesday, ok, so maybe you just wait and we do it on Tuesday, or wait and do it next month, ok". (I think she was annoyed because to her, this was SOO not an emergency and she was on her way to the hospital.)

But whatever, no, it's not ok. I've waiting 16 months, i'm not giving up on this cycle just because your not in, i will go someplace else. I don't care who's sticking what up my hooha anymore. So i finally got her to suggest another clinic. I immediately called them (they were very nice) and scheduled something for 9:30am today (Sunday), (again, because I expected I would get a peak reading). She also said after the insemination, we could schedule the following day for the 2nd iui. Yeay, sounds like a plan.

Change in plan.

I didn't get my peak reading this morning. I have a feeling I will surge later today. Which will probably work out better. They say to do the iui 12-24 hrs after the surge. So if I surge later today and get the iui done tomorrow morning, then I'll have good timing.

(Thank god for the internet. Because thats the only way for me to get any information about all this. The drs don't tell me anything.)

So thats the deal. I'll call them at 8:30 when they open, and reschedule my iui for tomorrow morning (Monday) and also have one done on Tuesday.

Oh, and if you didn't notice, we didn't go away this weekend. Not that surprising because we always seem to change our plans.

August 29, 2008

Naturally Artificial

When i spoke to my dr last week to discuss doing an iui this cycle, he suggested this first round to be natural. No drugs, no monitoring, and to me a waste of time and money. But i went with his recommendation. It's certainly the least stressful and we don't have to worry about multiples.


At this point I'm still with my obgyn, but i think it's time i moved on to an RE. The fact that the office is not opened on holidays and weekends, and that I have to go to a lab to get the sperm washed then take it to my drs office, well, just doesn't seem right when the timing of things is so important. I had to beg for an early appointment at the lab because they were completely booked (it's the same place where I had to wait 2 months for a sa). Then I had to schedule an appointment with my dr. In the meantime, because i'm not taking any drugs, this is all speculation. This is all assuming i ovulate when I should/want to. And that's This Tuesday.

I'm scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday!!

Tuesday will be cd14. I scheduled things based on the fact that I will ovulate like a normal person, and Tues morning my dr will be back in the office. And, we are going away for the long weekend, so i really, really hope i ovulate on time. Timing is so crucial this month.

I don't think this iui will be successful, but I am hopeful, just like I've been for the past 16 cycles.

When i told hubby about my appointments and the iui on Tuesday, I don't think he got it right away. It takes him a while to absorb information, and even though I've been telling him that I'll be ovulating soon, I don't think he realized the turkey basting would happen so quickly. When he was finally comfortable with collecting his spermies in a cup on Tuesday, he forgot the part that 2 hours later I would be inseminated. So I explained again, telling him he could probably come with me (i mean, it would be nice to know he was present for this process, but it's not necessary). He had to sit with it for a while, like all night. Then this morning he asked when my appointment was. I said around 11, but he wanted an exact time. I told him I couldn't give him one, but it will be around 11am, 2 hours after the wash. Then he said, 'well, will it be before 2?'

How many times do I have to explain this process???? I told him (several times) that we bring his sperm to the lab at 9am for washing. Around 2 hours later, I bring it to the dr and I get basted. Is that SO hard to comprehend???

Well, whatever, as long as I see a peak reading Tuesday morning and then get his sperm at 8:45 for the 9am appointment at the lab, then he can do whatever he wants.

Sure, it seems so cold and unnatural, but obviously, the loving and natural way of getting pregnant is not working for us. So lets focus on the fact I'm not on drugs yet, and it's as natural as an artificial insemination can be.

August 19, 2008

Silly Me



In my almost-two-years of charting, i've only had a 30 day cycle once. But I kinda knew it would be on the late side because my lovely ClearBlue Fertility Monitor said I ovulated late this month.

my boobs are still sore, and getting sorer by the day. Usually they get less sore with each day leading up to my period. I guess not this month. This month they want to do the opposite. They like to trick me. Every month they do something a little different, just to keep me on my toes.

Oh, the dr sent me hubbys sa. Now i can obsess over the numbers.
His number first, normal range in parenthesis.

volume 3.8 (2.0)
concentration 101 (20)
total count 383 (40)
motility 47% (50%)
ph 7.8 (7.2-8.0)
forward progression 3.5 (3.0)
liquefaction norm/non-visc (non visc)
round cells <1.0 (<3.0)
Morphology 11% (>30%)

Like the dr said, his total count number is wonderfully high, but morphology is not normal.

I think i feel my period coming, as I type this. I knew that hpt was a waste.

August 18, 2008

Hate To Wait

My period still hasn't shown its ugly red face.


I'm pretty positive i'm not pregnant but I actually bought hpts today. I never use them. It's a waste of money. After the 2nd or 3rd month of trying I promised myself I would never use one again, unless I was at least 2-3 days late.

But i'm thinking if I don't get my period by first thing tomorrow morning, I'll take a test. Because if by the smallest, tiniest, amazing less-then-3% chance I am pregnant, then I want to tell hubby before I leave for the beach. I'll be leaving with my mom before he gets home tomorrow, and I couldn't image going through the week not telling him, or even telling him over the phone. I know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but at least I can stop worrying if my periods going to show, and just worry about when.

In the meantime, if it does show, I mean, when it shows, it looks like I'll be away, and won't be able to get to the dr. on cd3. Unless it comes on Fri or Sat, which would be Super late! But i think it will come sometime tomorrow.

This blows. This means we'll have to wait till next month to do the first iui treatment. maybe I'll beg for more blood work, or an ultrasound. I just want to feel like I'm doing something this month. I'm done with just sitting back and waiting for things to happen.

Oh, did i mention my sister is out there too. Apparently she doesn't move her ass anymore cause she's too tired and too pregnant. She likes sitting and waiting for people to do everything for her.

I'm starving. I hate waiting for hubby to come home so we can eat dinner.

August 17, 2008

My Lucky Day

When Hubby came back from the gym yesterday morning, he said "OK, let's do it your way". I started to cry.

So now we're back on schedule. I just really hope to get my period either tonight or tomorrow morning. This way I can call the dr and make an appointment for Tues. I'm leaving with my mom Tues night to go to E.Hampton and I'll be home Sat. So getting it late Tues (or after) would suck. I don't want to have to call the dr, and wait for him to call me back while I'm with her. That would be bad. She's so nosey and into everyones shit. It would be impossible to have a 5 min private conversation without her asking about it. I also don't know if the dr would prescribe me clomid without seeing him. hmm. Well, if he does, then while I'm away Hubby can pick up my meds and I'll be on my merry way to treatment #1.

Honestly, I'm not even expecting an iui to work. I mean, there's gotta be something wrong, and I need to find what it is. Maybe I need more blood work done. Maybe my entire uterus is a sheet of scar tissue. Maybe I have endo, or cysts all over my ovaries. Maybe my eggs sucks. I just don't think that after 16 months of trying, i'll suddenly get pregnant with an iui. (and i know it's happened to people before, and the one blogger I'm thinking about, well, she was certainly a lucky one ;) )

At this point, I feel like I'll never be/get pregnant. I feel like it's one of those things that will never happen to me. I've been dreaming and hoping for it for so long, I just can't picture it happening to me anymore. I see pregnant women and I think to myself how lucky they are.

I found a penny on heads in the bathroom at the restaurant last night. Maybe it will bring me some luck.

August 16, 2008

It's Only a Dream

This morning I woke up feeling positive and excited, but when I had a second to realize it was just a dream, everything was back to normal.


I've been very crampy these past two days and my boobs started hurting cd26, and each day they get a little worse. Some people might think this is pregnancy symptoms, but I've been down this road way too many times. I know my boobs can start hurting anywhere from 10 - 3 days before my period arrives. This month the pain comes late because I know I ovulated late. My periods come anywhere from cd27 to cd30, but most of the time it's a 28 or 29 day cycle. I ovulated about 3-4 days late this month so I'm expecting my period to come around cd31. So, knowing that, all my pms symptoms are totally normal.

Oh, my dream by the way... I had a positive pregnancy test. But i didn't believe it was accurate because after a few minutes of only seeing one line, I had thrown it in a large potted plant. And when I picked it out several minutes later, I saw the pink lines and thought the chemicals from the Miracle Grow was giving it a positive read. I was contemplating taking another test but decided to continue eating my stinky soft cheese and wine.

August 14, 2008


umm, i just found out my husband doesnt want to do iui. he says he 'doesnt believe in it', and we should do more research about doing it naturally.

wtf. get off your fucking ass and do some research. i've been researching for 2 years now.

i guess hes so fucking proud of his sperm count he just knows it will happen naturally and I need to relax.

i'm so fucking pissed, upset, angry, frustrated, ... i dont even know.

he's moving the car right now and will be back in a few seconds.

i'll write more tomorrow.


omg, i think i was in such a rage that I did a total brain fart.

I don't have to be here on cd5. Hopefully I get my period by Tues, then I can go see my dr and get a prescription, and just start taking it on cd5. If i get my period late, then I'll just go to him when I get back, which would be around, or on cd5. Either way, i think I'll be ok.

wow, i totally freaked about it for no reason.

I really need to talk to hubby about things, but he's so mad at me he's not going to want to talk about it.

Oh, and did I mention I'm being audited by the IRS. Yeah, for 2005. It sucks trying to get canceled checks and credit card statements from so long ago. The appointment is supposed to be this Tues, and my accountant is not being very helpful. She's the one going to the appointment but i cant get a hold of her. I left a message telling her we may need to postpone it because I will not have all the back I need in time. Needless to say, she never got back to me. So i'm stressing about things.

In the meantime, I'm kinda crampy today. I don't know what it means. The stupid charts that I've been keeping for almost two years aren't helping me at all. Some months I'm crampy, others not. Whatever. I'm so over this. Hubby, shoot your sperm in a cup, and Dr put it up me.

The Results Are In, But You Have To Wait

We have waited an entire week for the dr to get back to us about hubbys sa results.
This is what I got out of it.... Everything looks fine. His overall number is very high, like 5x higher than normal. Dr told me his number was 383, and anything over 40 is good. So, looks like his count is excellent. On the other hand, he said the percentage of abnormalities is high. He wasn't very concerned about the high percentage because of the overall count. If the overall count is so high, then the abnormalities are going to be higher too. So, that being said, he continued to say he doesn't specialize in male fertility and if we're concerned, we should go see a urologist.

We then spoke about next steps. IUI with clomid, but I should call him when I get my period.

Clomid is supposed to start on day 5, and I'm supposed to be away during that time. This is where things get messy, so I'll give you the short story.

Every year my parents rent a house in the Hamptons. Hubby hates going there and he hates staying over. But not for reasons you may think. (You should know that I'm married to the biggest hard headed and stubborn guy ever. I really wish he was a little more easy going.)

The houses are always really nice, usually a 3-4 bedroom with a pool, and close to the beach. My parents are good, generous people and we have a good relationship. We see them for holidays and birthdays and once in a while we'll go out to dinner with them. Nothing crazy like a family meal every week. They never just show up at our apartment and we rarely, if ever hang out during the day with them. We are definitely closer to my family and see them much more than his, merely because his family are all in North Carolina.

Anyway, every year it's a fight about going to the Hamptons. Whether its for several days, a weekend, or just a one nighter, we always fight about it. I enjoy going. It's relaxing. It's getting out of the city. So for the past few years I've been going down with my mom and staying a few days with just her. Hubby then meets me there, stays for 2 days and then we leave and go on a vacation together.

For the past month (or longer) I have been telling him about a get together my moms been planning with my cousins and sister on the 23rd. We rarely see my cousin and I know I have to be there.

Well, this morning we got into a huge fight, again. He mentioned that he has 2 days off, the 25 - 26th. I reminded him about my cousin on the 23rd, and he just blew up. Yelling how I'm attached to my parents, how we are always with them, he hates going there, that he Will Not go there, that I speak to my mom SOOO much - like at least 1-2 times a week, that he's 40 and he doesn't need to stay with my parents, and on and on. He stresses the fact that he's forced to go there every year and he's not doing it anymore. He decided he's going to see his family that weekend, (which he doesn't really want to do on his days off.)

So, that being said, my original plan was to drive down with my mom on Tues, 19th, and stay until Sat 23rd (hoping he would come down for that day).

So what does this have to do with clomid you ask?

I'm still supposed to go down there with my mom. Today is cd26 and i usually get my period cd27-cd30. I know I ovulated late this month, and don't know if my period is going to be late. The dr wants me to call cd1 and probably go in for a consult, and start clomid cd5. But no matter when I get my period, cd 5 will fall when I am out of town. The problem is, my mom doesn't know about what i'm going through. I really don't want to put this off another month just so I can spend a few days in the Hamptons. But i also can't find a good enough excuse to tell her why I have to be around next week (assuming I get my period on time).


I don't know whats happening now. All I know is that hubby was so mad at me that he stormed out of the house telling me not to call him about anything today. So i guess he doesn't want to know he has a sperm count 5x higher than average.

August 7, 2008

Quite Time

Hubby handed over his 'junk'(as he called it) this morning for his sa.

Now i have to wait 3-4 business days to find out the results. I'll be on cd23/24, which is also a perfect time to talk to my dr about next steps. I'm hoping he'll say IUI.

If it were up to me, I would go for more cd3 blood work and an iui w/clomid. I have to double check what my insurance covers, but i'm down for an iui. Forget about this natural stuff. It's been 16 cycles with no results. I'm so ready for it.

In the meantime, I just spent the day with one of my best childhood friends' and her 2 year old daughter. I'm exhausted and was happy to come home to my quite apartment and my fluffy little dog.

July 29, 2008

Another Set Of Twins

today is not a good day for me.
I am angry and frustrated. I bought another box of those stupid pee sticks for that stupid fertility monitor. I don't know why. The biggest waste of $55. I'm so sick of charting, i've hardly been doing it, yet I can't Not do it.
C16 CD 10
I told hubby I'll be ovulating towards the end of the week. He goes, "yeah, so".
He knows what it means, he's just sick and tired of trying.
Needless to say, so am I.

I feel like this is the biggest wasted month. My dr didn't want to do anything until he saw hubby's sa, which of course is after I ovulate.
But i promised myself that as soon as we're done with that test I'm calling the dr and scheduling something for next month.

I see everyone else getting pregnant because they are proactive, and i'm angry at myself for waiting so long to do anything.
And I torture myself by keeping up with all the celebs who are getting pregnant. Last night I read about Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell. They announced they are expecting twins (2 girls), but claim they did not go through ivf, of clomid. Yeah, Bull Fucking Shit. They were trying for awhile and no qualms about announcing it. And now, at 35 she's expecting twins, with no help of science. Come on.

So whatever. I'm angry today.

July 26, 2008

So No Soy

So there's that new study out about soy and fertility. Apparently eating just one serving of soy every 2 days lowers a mans sperm count. Here's just one of the many recent articles out there.

Hmm, so I did some reading about that. Not that we eat that much soy. We occasionally have tofu, sometimes a veggie burger (made with soy), and it probably sneaks into other foods we eat, but hubby doesn't eat soy products like yogurt, milk or edamame. I definitely eat more than he does, which made me want to find out about women's fertility and soy. I know there have been studies saying that too much soy is not good for women either, (something about estrogen). I don't think I eat that much soy. I occasionally incorporate it into our diets for a protein source, but I don't go nutty with it. Although I have been eating soy yogurt, which I've really grown to like.

So my findings...not so good. I read lots of articles that said this...

"Women who are trying to conceive may want to heed the following: Avoid eating too much soy. According to a study involving humans, a compound found in soy known as genistein has been found to impair sperm as they swim toward the egg. Even tiny doses of the compound in the female tract could destroy sperm. Genistein can be found in all soy-containing products.

Researchers further explained that avoiding soy around a woman's more fertile days of the month might actually aid conception.

Based on the findings, a spokeswoman for the Vegetarian Society said that for anyone trying to become pregnant, avoiding soy products for a few days a month is worth a try ... even if there is a slim chance it will aid in fertility. [BBC News June 21, 2005]"

OK. So no more soy. I won't be eating even trace amounts of soy near ovulation. Not that I think that will help me get pregnant, but it's worth a try.

July 21, 2008


It came at about 4 yesterday afternoon. Wasn't expecting it at all. I started getting the mild cramping at around 3, then they got a little worse so I decided to check, just in case. And sure enough, I wiped and saw red.

Nuts. Another cycle gone.

My dr. didn't want to do anything until he gets the results from hubbys sa which is Aug 7th. Thats in 3 weeks. I guess it will be another cycle trying naturally, and another month of nothing.

Aaarrrggg. I'm so frustrated. Disappointed. Annoyed. Sad. Jelouse. Tired. Defeated.

When will it be our turn.

July 19, 2008

Ice Cream For Dinner

CD 27
It's a blazing 96 degrees here in nyc. But really it feels like 120. Between all the concrete, cars, buses, trucks and buildings blowing out hot air, it's just brutal.
I'll tell you what else is brutal, this two week wait. My boobs are still sore, but nothing like they were 11 days ago. And with each day they get a little less sore. I'm going to guess I'm not pregnant, again, but I still have a tiny bit of hope. I feel no other symptoms except the normal twinge, cramp and pms stuff i get every month. Although, i have been very motivated and energetic these past weeks. I did so many annoying chores that I usually put off forever, like giving my pooch a bath, clean, bills, errands, tons of laundry, and dying my hair (I really have so much grey). I also made a few batches of ice cream, and lots of cooking.

I actually made a few dishes worth mentioning, and because I have nothing else to say on the (in)fertility subject, I might as well talk about my other obsession; food.

So we've been pescetarians, (but eat very little fish) for 1.5 years. I have no problems with it, and don't miss the meat AT ALL. But it's a challenge to come up with dinner ideas. Hubby is a very picky eater, and me, I'll eat anything. I read a ton of food blogs, seriously, I must read more than a hundred just through bloglines. I love reading recipes and looking at pictures, aka, food porn. And I'm addicted.

I love cooking, and I make dinner just about every night. They're usually simple yet healthy meals, rarely following a recipe and use few, but super fresh ingredients. I read the food blogs to get inspiration for my meals, but I just wind up collecting the recipes with software I bought online. (I highly suggest YummySoup! It's an awesome recipe database, and so easy to import from any site.)

Anyway, I've been reading about these bbq seitan ribz for the past year and have been wanting to make them since I first saw them. I've read about them on so many vegan blogs, so I finally decided to make them. Well, they were great, and Hubby gave them an A++ !! I never made seitan before (except the chickpea cutlets from Vcon), because it seem overly involved. But these were so easy, and really, i think meat eaters wouldn't even know they weren't meat. Even if you think you don't like seitan, these will change your mind. Definitely give them a try.

I also made crepes with summer vegetables and ricotta, with a scallion cream sauce. Another great dish. I looked all over for pre-made crepes, but when I couldn't find them I decided to make my own (which was a first). Crepes are so easy to make, but take a little time. They're made by mixing egg, water, milk, and flour. And for the filling I used zucchini, green beans, corn, scallions and ricotta. Roll the crepe with the filling and drizzle the scallion cream on top, yum. You can find the recipe here.

I made a few other things, but these were the best. I also have a base mixture for ricotta ice cream in the fridge that I can't wait to make. It tastes so good without churning it, I can only imagine the deliciousness when frozen. If i make it now I would eat the whole batch and never be hungry for dinner. But maybe I should make a new tradition, just like John and Kate plus 8 did. Once a year we have ice cream for dinner. And in my case, it would be Homemade Ricotta Ice Cream. You'll get it if you watch the show, if not, you should start, its hilarious.

July 10, 2008

Forgot to Mention

I forgot to mention that my boobs have been sore since I ovulated, cd13 (now on cd18). This is new for me.

Some months ago I noticed my nipples get really sensitive and hurt for a few days around ovulation. But this month I had really sore boobs and nipples, which kinda sucked. It seems like every few months something new happens. My boobs getting sore a week before my period only started about a year ago. My nips hurting is like a 5 month thing. And this month my boobs hurt. So instead of 1 week of soreness, I get two weeks. Sweet.

I still get all the other crappy pms symptoms too, like bloation, hungry all the time (well, not hungry, but just want to eat), crankiness, and back pain.

Speaking of back pain, I have self diagnosed myself with sciatica. This is a very well educated self diagnosis. A few days after my hsg I had really bad lower back pain. I mean really low, like into my buttocks. It was so painful. I couldn't sit or lay down, and believe it or not it felt better to walk or stand. Of course I searched the internet to find out what it was and what I should do about it. (at this point I thought it might be sciatica or something similar).

I dealt with the pain for a few days, but then it got really bad and pain was running down my butt to my leg. On Monday my leg felt numb and my pinky toe was totally numb. I went to the dr on Tues. and she gave me a couple prescriptions and references for other drs. When I was at work yesterday I was telling people my story and everyone (those who have/had it) agreed and said it's definitely sciatica. They have the exact same symptoms even with the numb pinky toe.

So why didn't the dr tell me that. It's such a common problem, how could she not know? Are doctors so afraid to give a diagnosis just in case they may be wrong and I may sue them? Or did she simply just forget to mention I have sciatica and welcome to old age.


My dr (obgyn) finally called me back after I put in a call 3 days ago. He said the hsg looks normal; now what. I told him hubbys sa is Aug 7th and i wanted to know about next steps. He said many keep trying naturally, and some start drugs. I asked him about iui, and he said that definetly an option but wants to see the results of the sa. In the meantime keep trying.

This is like the month of no answers.

July 2, 2008

Moving forward

Just came back from my hsg...all clear! yeay!
What a heavy load off my shoulders. I have been so worried about this test, for both physical and emotional reasons. I was so ready for them to say 'i see blocked fallopian tubes' or that something is not right with my uterus. I am so, so, so relieved. For now of coarse. I know there could still be a million different things wrong with me, but i'm glad to know my tubes and uterus look good.

I definitely worked myself up for this test. I did too much research, read too many stories. I took 3 aleve prior to the appointment, and i was still shaking out of control. The dr and assistant were so nice, really, they couldnt be nicer. They completely explained everything that was happening, before and during the process. I even got a demonstration with the tube and balloon of what and how it was going to happen. I think the whole thing would have been a breeze if i didnt have such a narrow cervix. Thats when the uncomfortable pain came in. He was having problems getting the catheter through to my uterus, so he was using these long metal things (i forgot what they were called), i guess to widen my cervix and make it easier to get the tube through. They tried 5 times (each metal stick a little thicker and painful) and finally they got it through, blew up the little balloon (slightly painful), and started the dye. At that point I didnt feel a thing (with the exception of the tubes and speculum in me). They told me to tilt to the right, tilt to the left, then I saw the thumbs up. And repeat, pump of dye, tilt right, tilt left, and thumbs up. I was so happy I started to cry.

My husband was there waiting for me, and it was nice to see his face when I walked out to the waiting room. They told me to take it easy and gave me a prescription for Cipro (because they did poke my cervix 5 times), so hubby is getting it for me now.

Honestly, I am so happy that its over. It wasn't the most pleasant, but it could have been worse. Next is hubby's sa, and talk to my dr about next step. I have no problem going for an iui next month (maybe I shouldnt read up on it), even though insurance doesnt cover it. Depending on how much it cost, I think I saved enough for a few cycles worth.

Now I'm excited. I feel better and ready to move forward. I'm ready to embrace science.

btw, thank you for all the well wishes. I truly appreciate your comments.

July 1, 2008

Food Overload

The Fancy Food Show was great! It's the best trade show ever (if your a foodie like me), and I look forward to it every year. I've been going with my mom for the past 3 or 4 years. You get to see and taste new foods coming to the market, and stuff currently in stores. There are so many vendors, and this year they had a whole section upstairs dedicated to organic/natural foods. I could seriously go on and on about how I love this show and all the great foods I tried (and samples I brought home). Unfortunately we didn't realize there was 3 levels till later today and we completely missed the bottom section because we ran out of time. We only go on the 2nd and 3rd day and we get there around noon, and thats not enough time to see everything. Thats ok though, because I seriously don't think I could taste another piece of cheese, chips or chocolate.

When I got home I had to pick-up my CSA share. Another awesome event. Every week I go to the pick-up site (which is only a few blocks down from my apartment) and get my share from the Chubby Bunny Farm. This week we got garlic scapes, beets, parsley, lettuce, kale, and broccoli rabe. I also signed up for the optional fruit and eggs share, and got wonderful cherries and strawberries. Last year we visited the farm and saw the hens that lay our eggs. I love to see where my food is coming from.

I wish this day wouldn't end. It was a great day, filled with wonderful foods and having fun with my mom. It certainly kept my mind off of tomorrow, which will suck. I get to go for my hsg at 2:30. Hubby said he would meet me there, but he's got a client presentation. I guess he'll leave the meeting early so he can me meet at the drs. office.

Now I have to spend some more time researching how the procedure will go down. I've read so many sites and stories about it, but who ever heard of research overload?

June 30, 2008

Yeay, I Mean Yikes

Yeay!! Going to the Fancy Food show today!!! Very excited to check out all the new foods this year.

On a less exciting note, my hsg is on Wed. yikes.

June 23, 2008

A little Excited, A Lot Nervous

HSG - 9 days away

Yep, you read that right. I finally scheduled my hsg. Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck. I have a ton of emotions and thoughts running through my little brain right now. I was really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this. But after 15 cycles, I think its time. I gotta do what I gotta do. And I gotta go for an hsg.

I'm totally freaking out because of the pain factor. I've been scouring the internet (for months) and reading peoples comments (probably not the best thing to do, but I like to prepare myself). Some say it feels like really bad period cramps, which I get, but i don't handle them gracefully. Some times I sit on the couch rocking back and forth to try and tolerate, or I'm curled up on my bed feeling like i'm going to pass out. Ouch. I just can't images laying still, on a table, with a tube stuck up my uterus, and iodine getting pushed in areas it shouldn't be, dealing with that kind of pain. I'll certainly be taking at least 3 Aleves and whatever else i can find in the apartment. I'm hoping that will help.

I have to say, I'm also a little nervous with what they might find. Let's just say, I haven't always been such a good girl. I'm not proud of my past, and I pray that my carefree party days doesn't come back to haunt me.

I also have to schedule hubby's sa. I've already called the dr, and now I just need to schedule a time. Hubby doesn't know how easy he's got it. For his test we can make the collection at home and bring it to the lab within the hour. Not too bad. It beats laying down in a freezing cold room with a wimpy gown on, legs spread and a catheter up my cervix.

Anyway, I'm excited to finally get this over with. Obviously not excited for the test, but I feel like we're moving ahead and doing something. I'm being proactive. I know when the day comes, all the excitement will be gone, and I'll be throwing up with nerves. I just hope I don't throw up all over the pretty pink gown they give me.

June 9, 2008

TMI Alert

I've begun the tww. the dreaded tww. one minute I'm so hopeful and think this is it. The next moment I'm sobbing because I know there is no chance.

I did everything I could to improve my cm this month. I was taking evening prim rose, drinking lots of water and dong quai tea and took some Robitussin tablets. I also used the fertility monitor that my pregnant sister gave me. I think we had good timing, for the most part. We could have added a few more days but hubby has been so busy at work, he literally had no time. Early in the week he was coming home at 3am, and leaving for work at 8am. The poor guy was so tired and stressed, but I made sure to tell him of the really important days.

This is how it went (again, tmi, but maybe someone can relate...)

CD8 - watery, leaked a bit (low of fm)
CD9 - lots of stretchy in the evening, (hubby nowhere to be found) (low on fm)
CD10 - little stretchy, not as much, but there. Back was hurting. (low of fm)
CD11 - little cm, no stretchy (low on fm)
CD12 - little cm, lotiony, but no stretchy (high on fm)
CD13 - little cm, drier in the am, then lotiony, no stretchy, nips hurt, back hurt, feeling little crampy (peak on fm)
CD14 - some cm, much thicker and sticky, nips really hurt (peak on fm)
CD15 - more thick and sticky, nips still hurt (high on fm)

I realize why I never know when I ovulate, its because my ewcm does not come at the same time as ovulation. wtf. where is the ewcm on the high/peak days? And how can the fm tell me high when I know no spermies could swim through my cm. I think I ovulated Sat night (cd13) If that is the case, then we had good timing. We are really hoping for this month because it would give us a pisces baby, and we're both pisces.

This is so frustrating. I seriously hate this time of the month.

Fingers crossed, fingers crossed. Please please, please.

June 6, 2008

The Conflict

I'm not sure why I haven't called for an appointment yet. I guess I keep hoping 'this' will be the month. Yet in my mind I know it's not happening.

This morning i was wondering if i'm not moving forward because i'm not getting the support/push i need. Hubby is supportive in a way, he just kinda yeses me. If i say something, his response is OK, and then the conversation is done. Like last weekend when I told him I called our insurance company to find out whats covered. Then told him he needs to get an sa, and I get the hsg. All he said was, OK. We never really talk about it, and he never asks about it. (the only time he asks about anything is around ovulation, when he needs to 'perform', and sometimes asks if I've gotten my period). Don't get me wrong, he's a really sensitive guy, sometimes too sensitive, but i dont think he knows what to do, plus he's always too busy at work to worry about our situation. He kinda just goes along with things and says it will happen when it happens.

It WILL happen when it happens, but it will be because I am being proactive about it, like getting some tests done and seeing what the problem is. But i'm insanely nervous to move forward, and I sometimes think i need that push for me to actually do it. I need to know someone will be there with me and hold my hand and say 'don't worry, i'm here with you'.

This is where the conflicting comes in to play. I know there is one person in this world who will be everything i need them to be. They would be there on a drop of a dime. Be the support that I need, and give me that push when I need it, but also know when to back off. They would be sensitive, caring and give me hope, but also be a realist. I can say and do anything and know I'll still be loved unconditionally. There is only one person i trust more than myself.
My mom.

For the past year I've kept this secret. But i don't know how much longer i can keep it.

May 31, 2008

The Good and The Bad

By now I'm used to people asking me if I have kids, do I plan on having them, when I'm having them, I should already have them, type comments. But this is a first. And this one hurts the most.

I think I mentioned in a past post that we recently did some renovations in our apartment. When we bought our one bedroom 4 1/2 years ago we thought of it as our "starter" apartment. It's been completely renovated, doorman, eat-in-kitchen and in a great location. We love it here and really don't want to move, but we lack space. So knowing we want to expand our family (and a decent 2 bedroom is unaffordable right now) we did some work to our place that would buy us some time here. We tried to add as much storage space as possible without making it feel claustrophobic.

Our renovation was the talk of the building and hubby was telling everyone all the work that was being done. One of the things we did was combine 2 walk-in closets and made a small room. I was really worried about how this 'new' room would turn out, but I have to say, it turned out beautiful. We put in custom french doors where the closet doors were, a tiny ceiling fan, crown moldings and beautiful, soft oat carpet. It really looks great, very tiny, but cozy.

Last week hubby was talking to a building friend (who just had a baby about 5 months ago and got pregnant on the first try), and invited him up to see all the work we did. It's no secret that the room will eventually be a baby's room, but i'm not the type to blab about it to everyone. I say it will eventually be a baby's room, but it's an office for now. But hubby tells everyone. He tells everyone that it's going to be a nursery and now everyone is interested in the new room, a) because it's never been done in the building, and b) i guess because it's ridiculous to put a baby a closet. (You do crazy things when you live in NYC).

Anyway, he saw the room, loved it, said there's plenty of room for baby. Now he's apparently telling people in the building that he saw the room. OK, i dont care if people see it. What I do care about are the questions. Like when someone in the elevator asked "when is the baby due?"

This brought tears to my eyes when hubby told me this.

Now there are rumors that i'm pregnant. Can this get any worse. how much more pain can my heart take.

Oh, I called about my health plan yesterday. The good news is that I'm covered for all diagnosis infertility services. This includes bloodwork, tests, and procedures.

The bad news is they don't cover anything to actually help me get pregnant. No iui, no clomid, and certainly no ivf. So no more taking a back seat here. I gotta find out what the problem is before the end of the year. Then, if necessary switch to the hmo plan, where treatments are covered. I have to make these appointments. Hubby is going for the se, i'm finally going for the hsg. I'm calling Mon.

So thats good. Once I reach my $250 deductable then I'm covered 90%. Once I reach the $1000 max, I'm covered 100%.

Not bad. But not good.

May 30, 2008

More Waiting

I know i've been mia. I thought i would like writing this blog and expressing myself. Turns out i hate it. it forces me to sit and really think about where i am and what we're going through, and it just sucks. i try so hard not to think about it and the reality of my infertility. But on the other hand, it's all i think about, it consumes me. i can be anywhere, in the shower, on the bus, in the park with my dog, and as soon as I think about it, my eyes swell with tears. it's awful, a truly awful feeling and an awful situation to be in. this past year i've cried and sobbed more than i ever have in my lifetime. And to sit here and write about it, it pains me.

CD5 (or 4 according to my digital monitor)

i have to print out a new sheet for my charting. this is my 4th sheet, and i swear, when i created it, i never ever thought i would go through so many sheets. I thought i would chart for a few months and be done with it. But the charting has become part of my life, something i do everyday. i keep it in a red panphlet hubby gave me when we had to reenroll for our insurance. it's dated Nov. 2006. I've had this next to my bed since Nov. 2006. It's completely falling apart.

Usually around ovulation and at some point during my tww, i study my chart and see if anything is different. but today i'm noticing something else. i'm realizing how many months we've been trying. In my brain I know its been a year, but to see it on paper, and to flip through all my sheet, it hits you in a different way. And for the first time in months i counted how many cycles its been. 13. I'm on cycle 14.

my eyes are swelling.

i need to take action. it's time to do some testing. but i know our insurance doesn't cover any kind of fertility treatments. it covers some testing, but thats about it. so even if we find out the problem, we have to wait till the new year when we can change our plan to an HMO so treatments are covered. i guess thats why i've been waiting to do the more evasive testing. knowing we cant do any treatments this year, i figure, wait, and maybe something will happen naturally.

but i'm getting tired of waiting. I've already waited a year.

I'm calling now. i'm going to try and find out whats covered in my plan. Good luck to me trying to get some answers.

i'll let you know how it goes. But you might have to wait a while.

May 19, 2008

A Delicious Sunday

I spent a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday. I guess it's kinda like therapy for me.

I had a few bananas that were too ripe for our liking. So naturally, I made banana bread. I've tried a lot of different recipes, some vegan, some not. I avoid baking with butter at all costs. I figure if I'm baking, I might as well try to be healthy. So I found a low fat version in Veganomicon. It sounded good but of course I had to tweak it a little. For one, I used whole wheat flour, which you would never know. I also added an extra banana, vanilla and instead of applesauce, I used some soy milk. It actually came out pretty good. I think because I subbed the ap flour with ww flour, i should have used a little bit less than it called for. But otherwise, the taste is great, it's moist, and kinda healthy. We ate half a loaf yesterday.

I also made Cornmeal Anise Biscotti. These are one of my favorites, also based on a recipe, but with a bunch of tweaking. I love the flavor of anise, and the cornmeal adds a great crumbly texture and flavor. These are not vegan (they call for 3 eggs), but they are low fat because there is no butter and only 2 tablespoons of oil. Hubby likes these a lot, he also took some to work for his coworkers.

For dinner I made Absorption Pasta with Chickpeas Tomatoes and Asparagus. Another winner. Hubby actually used the word 'delicious', which he rarely uses to describe my meals. I don't think it's the most popular method of cooking pasta, but its a great way to achieve a creamy, saucy pasta dish without adding fats like butter, cream or lots of cheese. The creaminess is created from the starch of the pasta, and the more you stir, the creamier it becomes. It's almost like cooking risotto, but with pasta. When using this technique, you only add enough liquid to the skillet for the pasta to absorb, and it then creates a sauce. That's right, this is a one pot meal, that takes 30 minutes or less.

It's best to use a shaped pasta like penne, shells, or in my case orecchiette. And you can certainly use any type of bean or vegetable. Here's the recipe.

Skillet Orecchiette with Tomatoes, Chickpeas and Asparagus


● 2 tbsp. olive oil
● 1/2 small onion, chopped
● 2 cloves garlic, minced
● 2 1/2 cups Orecchette (or any other shaped pasta)
● 2 cups Vegetable stock
● 1 cup water
● 1/2 can chickpeas (rinsed and drained)
● 1 can cherry tomatoes (separate juice from tomatoes)
● 6 spears asparagus, cut 1/2 inch pieces
Grana Padano (or any kind of parm cheese), salt and pepper to taste


Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat and saute onions until slightly browned. Add garlic and cook 30 seconds.
Add pasta and stir to coat with oil and onions. Pour in broth, water and juice from tomatoes, bring to a boil. Stir and add chickpeas.
Lower heat slightly and cook stirring frequently (make sure pasta doesn't stick to pan) until pasta is just about done, about 15 minutes. Add asparagus and tomatoes to skillet. Using kitchen shears, cut tomatoes in half, and continue to cook until done.
Stir in a few tablespoons of cheese, and season with salt and pepper.

I served this with garlic cheese toasts (slice baguette, rub with garlic, shmeare a little butter and top with grated cheese. Toast until cheese melts) and a salad with my homemade vinagrette. Very good, easy Sunday meal.

May 12, 2008

Tables Turned

So yesterday we were all out for mother's day with the usually gang: me and hubby, my parents, sister, brother-in-law and their daughter. i knew my sister was finally going public with her news. She was ready to announce to the world that she is pregnant. Obviously we all knew already, but earlier that morning she finally told my niece she was going to be a big sister. So when we were waiting to be seated, it was being discussed and made into a very big deal. It was cute to see her get so excited about being getting a sibling.

When we sat down we continued the discussion of big sister/pregnancy drama. Then all of a sudden, my sister whipped out a pile of folded up sonogram pictures. We all had to pass around these long stretches of black and white pictures in the middle of the restaurant. And i had to sit there, pretending to be excited and look at 40 pictures of her baby in her uterus. "Did you see these?" "Look at these." "And these!" So now the entire restaurant knew she was pregnant.

She's excited. I get it. But when she was trying to get pregnant for 2 years (and not telling anyone), she would get so pissed off and annoyed at people who were constantly talking about their pregnancy, showing pictures and talking about babies. She truly thought they were insensitive people and wanted nothing to do with them. She avoided her friends and family members who were pregnant or who just had babies. She didn't want to here about it and certainly didn't want to share in their joy. She would tell us this, as if her behavior was acceptable and people should just know and be sensitive to her and her situation.

And now look at her. In the middle of a restaurant, and not knowing about Anyones situation, she was blabbing and so indiscreetly took out every picture she had of her womb. And I, sit there, annoyed and pissed off of her insensitivity. Not wanting to hear about it, look at it, and share her joy.

I, have become her.

May 8, 2008

Too Sick, Too Tired

I have been sick. It sucks. On Monday i had a tempurture of 101. I was throwing up and in bed all day. I felt a little better the next day, but still had a temp. Yesterday I was finally able to go to work and ate a little more than a piece of bread, although now it turned into a cold of sorts. Very bad timing to get sick according to my new fertility monitor.

About a month ago my sister gave me her Clearblue digital fertility monitor; the one that costs like $200 and the sticks cost $50 a box. She knows I won't talk about the issue, so she handed it to me and I said thanks. I was excited to start using it this cycle because I never really know when I ovulate. With all the charting I've done for the past year, I still can not pin point the day I ovulate. I usually have an idea, but i could be days off.

Anyway, they tell you to start testing on day 6, and continue for 10 days. The monitor differs from the other OPKs because it's (so freakin expensive), and supposed to tell you the low, high and peak days your fertile. Well, from CD 6-9 it was low (as I expected), but on CD10, it said I was peak! CD10? thats super early, and what happened to my high days? It went from low to peak. How is that? But it didn't even matter because I was so sick, there was no way I was getting it on with hubby.

So next day (yesterday), CD11, not only did I see super stretchy ewcm when I woke up (i've been diligently taking my Evening Primrose Oil), it was another peak day. Good thing i was feeling well enough for a deposit last night.

And now today, CD12, the monitor said high fertility. So according to the monitor I already ovulated. wtf? Have I been wrong all this time? I couldn't have been. I've done the opks and they tell me my peak days are cd13, 14 &15.

I'm so over this. I'm tired of the tracking, charting, and the monitoring. I'm tired of thinking about it and worrying if hubby is going to be in the mood to make a deposit. Sometimes i just can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the one who can't get pregnant. I'm tired of trying. I'm emotionally drained. The scary part is, the real journey has just begun. The journey of infertility.

May 1, 2008



This month marks a year. I am officially 'one of those people', the 'infertile' one.

I've been putting off getting an HSG. I fear what they might find, and also fear the physical pain it will cause. But as each day goes by, I know its something I have to do. I know i'll eventually get to that point and just do it.

I no longer cry when I get my period. I am so in tune with my body that I know exactly when it's coming. I expect it and prepare myself.

The crying now comes when I see a mom or dad having a moment with their baby. Like when I was on the bus the other day and I saw a dad with his 2 kids. The sister must have been around 4 and the younger boy about 10 months (I never used to be able to judge age, but I think I'm pretty on target these days). Anyway, I was sitting across from them and just watching the interaction. The way the dad was watching his little one. How he was holding him and making sure he didn't fall. The enjoyment he got from letting his child stand on his lap and sway back and forth with the movement of the bus. It was precious. The baby was so happy, smiling and giggling with his older sister. His little feet and hands, holding on so tightly. It was a moment, a moment I crave for myself. I moment that pains me because I cant achieve that. It hurts. It makes me so sad. It leaves me weak, both emotionally and physically.

It's weird how much has changed over the year. When we first started trying I wanted the pregnancy so bad. I was ready to be pregnant and go through the experience, more than I was ready for the actual baby. I would be so jealous of pregnant women and would picture my own belly growing. But now, it's not the actual pregnancy I crave so much, it's the baby. It's seeing parents with their children that I envy. At some point I unknowingly made the switch from just wanting pregnancy, to really wanting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I still really want to be pregnant, but now it's the end result that I truly want. I feel like I'm soo ready now. So ready to care for and love my child. I'm ready to expand my family and share those experiences with my husband. I'm ready to change my life and fill it with the joys of a child. I'm ready for those special moments.

Please, I'm begging, give me those special moments.

April 18, 2008

Pass Down The Wine

I haven't blogged because I have nothing to blog about.

This month is pretty much out. I came back from my business trip on cd13 and only got in one deposit before ovulation. Doing the deed for the sole purpose of trying for a baby is not creating happy times here. It's really wearing on us, and becoming more of a chore.

At this point i don't even see myself pregnant or getting pregnant. I feel like I am one of those really unlucky people. At the start of this journey i would think how big my belly would be with each season. I was picturing my big belly on the beach, or how big i would be during the holidays. Would I be able to pick up my food from the CSA? I didn't buy clothing because I thought i wouldn't fit into it anymore.
Silly me.

These past 2 years I have been living my life with the expectation of actually getting pregnant. I've been preparing my body and home for a baby. Living by all the rules, like not drinking wine. Not eating raw fish or soft cheese after ovulation. reading baby and pregnancy blogs. hubby even subscribed us to several baby/parent magazines (which I did Not ask for). But i'm done with that. I'm buying clothes now. I'm drinking wine, and i"m eating whatever I want. And i'm done reading about parenting and babies.

I'm taking my old life back. I'm now living each month without thinking I may be pregnant. I still hope for it, but I no longer think this is the month. I need to keep myself grounded. I will no longer look at other babies and pregnant women and wish I had that. i will not be jealous. I must not get my hopes up each month.

Or at least I need to keep telling myself all this.

April 3, 2008

What's Coming Up

I finally called my dr yesterday to hear him say what I knew he would tell me. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this (as all of us are). But I I'm totally dreading the next step; the HSG.

He said that hubby should go get a sperm count and I should schedule an HSG around cd 9. Then he used the words clomid and laparoscopy.

I'm not ready to do an HSG although I know I'll need to do it. It totally freaks me out, and not because of what they may discover (although that too), but because I totally fear pain. I have a very low threshold and scared out of my mind to get this test. I know it's probably not that bad considering other tests and surgeries, but I get such anxiety.

When I told hubby he needs to get his sperm checked, he started bitching that he's gotta whack off then hand over his cup-o-sperm to a nurse. Then I told him what I have to go through which shut him up rather quickly.

Oh boy. Don't want to do this. I cry everyday wishing it wasn't so hard. I find out from facebook all the people I know/knew from school are pregnant or just had babies. I also cry because at some point I know I need to tell my mom. She's my best friend and tell her just about everything. But I never told her about our plans and that we've been trying (although hubby slipped a few times about a year ago). I've had this secret for so long and I don't know how much longer I can keep this from her, especially when I have to start going through all these tests. I know she'll offer me great support, but I also don't want the nagging questions, comments and advice.

In the meantime, as I type this I hear Oprah talking about her upcoming show...A pregnant man.

April 2, 2008

The One Dayer

I literally had my period for One day. It wasn't even heavy. I started to feel those annoyingly mild cramps on Saturday, then by nighttime there was a hint of pinkish on the toilet paper, but no bleeding. When I woke up on Sunday I knew I was getting my period so I put in a tampon. I changed it twice that day, and there wasn't much blood both times. Then by Monday it was totally gone. No brown spotting, nothing.

My periods never last long, usually the 1st day is moderate, light the second day, and then 2-3 days of spotting.

But One day, wtf.

Has this happened to anyone? A one day period?

I know some people might think it's due to stress, but believe me, i'm not stressed. I really don't have a stressful life (I thank my hubby for that). I sometimes wonder if my short, light periods have anything to do with me not getting pregnant.

I didn't call the dr. yet. I should, but i just don't feel like going in and dealing with it this month.

In the meantime, getting my period on Sunday means I had a 28 day cycle. This business trip is getting in the way of valuable bding. I leave on CD 8 and get home CD 13. Hopefully I don't ovulate early this month.

On another note, my sis is doing ok. She went to the dr yesterday and they finally told her she can start walking around, but still take it easy. Her interpretation of this comment is: she can get her nails done and do lunch with her friends, but not allowed to make the bed or do the dishes.

Her baby is doing fine and the blood clot is getting smaller.

I'm already sick and tired of hearing about her and her pregnancy, and it's only been 11 weeks.

March 28, 2008

Hoping for 30

My second round of blood work came back and everything looks fine. I'm ovulating. Yeay. (Not that I ever thought that was a problem).

My dr is confident that I'll be getting pregnant any day now. Every time I speak to him he makes a comment like, 'you could be pregnant, lets wait and see'.

I called him yesterday about doing an additional test with the blood just taken. He just fluffed it off and said, lets see if your pregnant this month, and if you get your period, we'll do more blood work next month.

Huh?! Why not just do it all now. Why wait another month? They already took the blood, why not use it?!

But then I'm thinking, (more like making excuses), that his attitude makes perfect sense. I'm going to a dr on the UES where a majority of his clients are uptight women with too much money who need instant gratification all the time. Women who run to the dr for every, single, thing. These are the same women who go to the dr because they have a cold and want an antibiotic to get rid of it. The same women who when they see a pimple forming, they run to the dermatologist to zap it. And if their eye is itchy, they run to the dr in fear that it may be pink eye.

I'm not one of those. I don't run to the dr for anything. Something has to be seriously wrong for me to visit or even call the dr. I'm a naturalist, the body will take care of its self.

But i can see why the dr takes this tone. He probably sees women everyday crying because they haven't gotten pregnant after 3 months and want to know whats wrong. Then they get pregnant on the 4th or 5th try, and the drs like 'told you so'.

But, i'm on cycle 12. It's been a year. Yeah, i guess there's still a slight chance of getting pregnant this month or next, but there is also a greater chance that something is not right. Believe me, I want him to say 'told you so'.

Anyway, i'm on cd 27, and my boobs are sore. I'm hoping this is a 30 day cycle because I have a business trip and leave on April 6th, for 5 nights! Yup, how shitty is that. Leave Sun night and wont be back till Fri afternoon. I almost cried when i found out because all i could think about was if I'll be home during ovulation (oh, and how i'll be missing my pooch and hubby). My cycles range from 27-30 days, and if it's a 29 or 30 day cycle then we'll have a few days of trying. If my lovely period comes sooner, then it looks like we'll be out for the month.

Or, of coarse, I can hope this is the month.

But, I'm also realist.

March 18, 2008

12th Time a Charm?

CD 17

Went to the dr yesterday so they can see how the spermies were swimming inside me. I'm pretty sure I ovulated over the weekend so my cm was not the best for this test. He did see lots of spermies, and they were moving, just not moving forward. He said that could be due to the fact that I already ovulated, or that my cm is not great. He suggested I do the Robitussin thing if i'm not pregnant this month. (Hmm, i guess he forgot the conversation we had the other week.) As he was explaining things he suddenly used the word 'insemination'. Aaahh, the lovely word none of us want to hear. But he also said everything looks fine. So what is it doc? You cant say 'everything looks fine' and 'insemination' in the same breath.

Next step: go back to dr cd 23 for 2nd round of blood work. Oh, btw, all my other blood work came out normal. I requested a copy of the paperwork so I can obsess about the tests and numbers, and like he said, everything looks totally fine. He also wants hubby to do a spermie test around the time I get my period. The guys have it soooo easy. He does this one test and he's done. Unfortunately it's just the start of my issues.

On another note, our trip was great. We went to Las Vegas (which I've been to, but hubby never has). We toured all the hotels - craazy, rented a car and did some hiking in the Red Rocks, went to hoover dam and drove along Lake Mead, saw Ka, ate some good meals and played the slots. I think we lost a total of $50. We stayed in the Venetian, which has beautiful, huge suite rooms. I seriously think the room was bigger than our apartment. It was a really fun trip and I hope he had a great 40th birthday.

On Another note, my sister is still pregnant but has been on bed rest for the past 2 weeks. Apparently she has been spotting and because of her past history of miscarriages, they want her to basically not move to make sure this one sticks. The dr said the reason for the spotting is because of a blood clot thats rubbing against a sac that didn't make it (oh, she's only having one). They said it's totally normal and lots of women spot, but she should play it safe. She's coming into her 9th week which is when she lost the other 2. I hope this one makes it. She's really been through so much, and it would just suck if this turned for the worst.

So another 2ww begins. I'm not very hopeful this month. I say that now, but as soon as I feel a possible twinge/symptom, i'm thinking maybe this is the month. But seriously, it hasn't worked 11 other times, why would it work on the 12th?

March 5, 2008

Flying to Somewhere

Yesterday I went to the dr and had tubes of blood taken. I'm not very good with needles or blood, and almost passed out. I was not having fun.

Then I was told to sit with my dr to discuss next steps. I think he gave me all of 30 seconds before he shoed me out of his office. He told me to have sex right at ovulation then I should come in the next morning so they can see how the spermies are swimming around in there. Then about a week later I have to go back and have more blood taken. Um, o.k.

I started to tell him how I don't have much ewcm and was taking something to help. He jumped and said 'oh, you've been taking Robutussen?'
I said 'no, why you think that works?'
"No, but some experience more stretchiness"
I said, "well, I do a lot of reading and tried Evening Primrose"
He shook his head as if he was so disappointed in me.
"It worked. Why, you don't think it works?" I asked.
Then he started saying "there is no scientific...blah blah...that proves...blah blah blah".
Then he said, 'well, your looking a lot better, I'll see you next week."
I'm dismissed, I pay my $25.

When I tell hubby this, he immediately tells me to find another dr., that this guy is all about the scientific and totally discourages the natural/homeopathic options. (Needless to say, we are all about the natural, and don't believe that drugs are the answer to all problems).

Ok, so hubby is right to a certain degree, but I've been using this dr since I was 15. My sister used him, and my mom used to go to the same office (not same dr). These people know everything about my family and history. It's not so easy to just find a new dr. especially one that goes up your hoo-ha.

A few words about my dr.... he's a nice guy, young, decent looking, gentle, but I don't think he likes me. I'm not like most of the women that visit this office (I did mention my sister sees him, right?). They are 'Upper East Siders' that are bubbly, dressed to the nines and walk in with their Barney's shopping bags, and huge diamond rings. Me, I'm in jeans and my Dansko clogs wanting to get the hell out of there. I feel no need for bullshit conversation, and I'm certainly not going to pretend I'm happy to see him. So is he my perfect dr, umm, probably not. And I would prefer to have a dr closer to my apt (on the west side) since I may need (hope) to make a lot more visits.

But I'm in no mood, especially at this point to search and experiment with drs. But I may consider it. It would be nice to have a dr with the same beliefs as me, for so many reasons.

On another note, I'm taking hubby on a surprise trip tomorrow (it's his 40th bday). He knows he's flying somewhere, but has no idea where. Every day for the past week I've been giving him clues. He's guessed the vicinity (didn’t tell him if he was right or wrong), but not the place. I really wanted to go to Europe, but he wouldn't give me a week, I only got a long weekend. So we're leaving tomorrow and coming home on Monday. I can't say where, yet, just incase he reads this (but I don't think he knows about this blog). He'll find out when he gets home. I'll have a certain song playing as he walks through the door.

I’ve got a lot of last minute planning to do, and lots of details to figure out. I hope he likes his destination.

March 3, 2008


CD 2

It is so painful. Numbing. My arms feel like bricks, they are so hard to lift. It never gets easier, even though I’ve been through it 11 times already.
I was prepared for it to come. My boobs hardly tender at all, a far cry from the other night when they hurt to touch them. I also get those annoyingly mild cramps. Cant pinpoint them, but the whole region down there is crampy. When I tell hubby I know its coming, he always makes some comment like “nice that your being so positive”. Well, its hard to be positive when I feel it coming. Its a feeling I cant describe, but women know what I’m talking about. believe me, i try to be positive and hopeful. It's what keeps me going during the painfully long 2ww.

--------- Later----------

I just took my first step to admitting/dealing with my infertility. (I’m sobbing by the way, so this may not make any sense).
I just called my dr. he has to call me back, I guess to see what the appointment will entail and if hubby needs to be there. Hubbys schedule is ridiculously busy and stressful, I don’t know how he’ll be able to do this with me.

My hands are shaking. The tears won’t stop flowing. I am feeling absolutely terrible right now.

What make things worse is Facebook. I love it. I find people I haven't heard from in 10 years. But just yesterday I found someone I went to sleep away camp with. We had an unusual camp experience. For 8 years we were known as the fab 5. Every year, for 8 years we were together. they couldn’t separate us, and they would never dare put anyone else in our bunk. We were the fab 5.

I was thrilled when I saw her on facebook and wondered what everyone else is up to. When she responded she gave me the update. 1 has a one year old. Another has 2 kiddies. And she is due in a few weeks with her 2nd, along with the last fab 5er (they are due on the same day).

Then I start thinking, if I would have gotten pregnant around the time we started trying, I would be due right now too.

I am so sad.

i can't get my thoughts together, yet i have so many racing through my mind. this is a really bad day.

when is the dr going to call me back. i need to make this appointment.

------- Later ------

I just spoke to my dr. I will going in tomorrow for bloodwork.

and so it begins...

February 28, 2008

Lunch and a Sonogram

CD 25, around 8-10 dpo.

I've been crampy all week. And my boobs have been tender/sore for 6 days now. Not indicative of anything, but...

So I had lunch with my sister today. We don't do it very often and it was nice to get together. The afternoon started out with how nauseous she's been feeling and wanted something light, like a salad or soup. Pregnancy and baby wasn't the only thing she talked about, but we certainly covered a lot about the subject. I even saw pictures of her 3 embryos and her most recent sonogram. And, she even asked me if I wanted an old ovulation kit that she spent $300 for. She said she's been saving it for me. I told her sure, and it will be great for when the time comes. eerr.

February 20, 2008

Rachel Ray VS Veganomicon

I have no idea when I ovulated, if I did at all. I can usually tell after I Oed because I get the typical abundant thick, tacky, white cm (wow, that's very personal, TMI). Today I'm CD 17, and I haven't gotten it yet. It's been thicker then last week, but not like the usual. wtf.

I may have ovulated early this month. As I examine my chart, I got some stretchy cm (thanks to evening primrose oil and drinking green tea) on CD 9. That's super early. And my nips started hurting CD 14. Weird. They don't normally hurt, so I don't know if the pain was a few days before I Oed, or right at O. I obsess over my chart so I'm pretty sure of when I ovulate, and it's generally the same time every month, give or take a day. I’m confused.

I should really buy the OPKs just to be sure. And I would if I wasn't so cheap. $20 every month for little pee sticks, obsurd. And I cant stand the thought of paying $75 (or more) for one of those reusable, digital doodads. I would hate to spend the money, and then get pregnant. What a waste! In the meantime, I've been saying that for 8 months. If i bought it the first month, i would've definitely gotten my money's worth.

I’m watching Rachel Ray on the Food Network. I’m so not a fan, never was. I hate the ‘delish’, ‘sammies’, all those stupid words she uses. But most of all, her recipes suck. The few meals I tried I didn’t like. I will give her credit for a wonderful marketing job. She’s definitely got the right people working for her.

You know when a brand does good when my sister buys into it. She lives her life by what everyone else is doing, and I’m surprised it took her this long to finally jump on the RR bandwagon. 6 months ago when she told me she’s totally into her and bought her cookbook, I laughed. Now everything she makes is from Rachel Ray. She knows I'm such a foodie so she gets excited when she tells me about the meals she makes. For V-day she was telling me about the mini meatloafs she made; a RR recipe. It’s kinda funny, but go figure. We are opposites.

I actually made something pretty good last night, Chickpea Romesco from Veganomicon. It was quite tasty and very healthy. I’ve made a bunch of recipes from that cookbook, and its been hit or miss (so far lots of misses). But this one was good and different, a favorite so far. I can see using the sauce for different things like a pasta sauce, a dip, on top of fish. Mmm, that would be good. It was even better for lunch today. Yummo.

Time for tea.

February 17, 2008

Thank You

I want to thank those people who have left comments for me. Thank you for your words, and the smile you put on my face.

I've been reading so many blogs for so many months, and it gives me great comfort to know there are others who feel the same way I do. Hubby thinks I'm crazy to read these blogs because they are so depressing (I guess he was on my computer and looked through my browser history, snoopy bastard). He may find it depressing, but I find it helpful and hopeful. To know so many people also had problems and many of them succeed. To know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings, and to know I can be a part of a community where everyone truly wants the same thing. These blogs are raw. People write them with no expectations, and people read them without judgment.

Part of the reason I read so many is because I haven't told anyone, and hubby and I have very different feelings about this issue. He keeps saying 'it will happen when it's supposed to happen'. He says God has a plan for us. He is confident that we don't have any infertility issues, and it's just been a matter of being unlucky.

Well, I'm a little more scientific than that. Statistically, if everything is A OK, after 10 cycles of perfect timing and being healthy, I should have been pregnant by now. True, there could be a slight chance that we've been unlucky, but I'm just starting to think that we're unluckily infertile.

So knowing our differences in thought, I am grateful for the wonderful community I've found. For all those people who think like I do. For all those people I don't know, yet feel so connected to.

Thank you.

Thank you for all your support and taking the time to read another stranger's story.

February 16, 2008

I Am A Vampire

It’s Saturday and I realize I haven't told hubby that my sister is pregnant yet. It completely slipped my mind. I am not a good sister.

This is huge news for the family, and to think that I forgot, well it’s just terrible. In the past I’ve told him immediately, but in the past I also wasn’t trying to get pregnant for 10 months myself. I guess there are some serious underlying reasons why I haven't told him. All which we can figure out without having to go to a shrink.

He’s at work right now, but I will remember to tell him today.

Actually, what made me think of her even being pregnant, is the fact that we are all (my parents, and my sister and bro-in-law) are going out for my birthday dinner next Saturday. Because we all live so close (either Upper West, or Upper East sides) we always celebrate birthdays with a family dinner. It’s a nice tradition, but I’m so not into my birthday this year. I’m turning 33, which is fine, but I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I’m not going to say I’m depressed, but i'm certainly not as jovial as I usually am. I just think there are more important things to think about than my birthday. And now we have to hear about my sister being pregnant all night long. Keep in mind, she is the overly dramatic type who thinks she’s the only one who is or ever has been pregnant. She’s the overly-cautious-everyone-should-do-everything-for-her-while-she-relaxes kind of person. One day I will tell her that the world does not revolve around her. I know, there is some jealousy and resentment in my tone.

It doesn’t help that no one knows where I stand in the baby making process. They know not to ask me. Months before we started trying hubby slipped and told my parents our timeline. My parents were thrilled to hear the news, and that’s when my mom started with the annoyingness. I quickly told her I am not, and will not talk about it. But still, every once in a while she’ll make a comment or ask me whats going on and if we’re trying. I don’t answer. But I have to say, for the most part she’s been really good about it and respects my wishes.

I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to be happy for my sister. I wish her the best, I do. It’s just going to take a lot of acting next week to put a smile on my face when she starts talking about herself and how she’s feeling.

In the meantime, all I’ve been listening to is the Juno soundtrack and I can't get this song out of my head. It’s fun and makes me happy. Go figure its the music from a movie where a teenager accidentally gets pregnant.