Moments

CD5

This month marks a year. I am officially 'one of those people', the 'infertile' one.

I've been putting off getting an HSG. I fear what they might find, and also fear the physical pain it will cause. But as each day goes by, I know its something I have to do. I know i'll eventually get to that point and just do it.

I no longer cry when I get my period. I am so in tune with my body that I know exactly when it's coming. I expect it and prepare myself.

The crying now comes when I see a mom or dad having a moment with their baby. Like when I was on the bus the other day and I saw a dad with his 2 kids. The sister must have been around 4 and the younger boy about 10 months (I never used to be able to judge age, but I think I'm pretty on target these days). Anyway, I was sitting across from them and just watching the interaction. The way the dad was watching his little one. How he was holding him and making sure he didn't fall. The enjoyment he got from letting his child stand on his lap and sway back and forth with the movement of the bus. It was precious. The baby was so happy, smiling and giggling with his older sister. His little feet and hands, holding on so tightly. It was a moment, a moment I crave for myself. I moment that pains me because I cant achieve that. It hurts. It makes me so sad. It leaves me weak, both emotionally and physically.

It's weird how much has changed over the year. When we first started trying I wanted the pregnancy so bad. I was ready to be pregnant and go through the experience, more than I was ready for the actual baby. I would be so jealous of pregnant women and would picture my own belly growing. But now, it's not the actual pregnancy I crave so much, it's the baby. It's seeing parents with their children that I envy. At some point I unknowingly made the switch from just wanting pregnancy, to really wanting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I still really want to be pregnant, but now it's the end result that I truly want. I feel like I'm soo ready now. So ready to care for and love my child. I'm ready to expand my family and share those experiences with my husband. I'm ready to change my life and fill it with the joys of a child. I'm ready for those special moments.

Please, I'm begging, give me those special moments.