June 30, 2008

Yeay, I Mean Yikes

Yeay!! Going to the Fancy Food show today!!! Very excited to check out all the new foods this year.

On a less exciting note, my hsg is on Wed. yikes.

June 23, 2008

A little Excited, A Lot Nervous

HSG - 9 days away

Yep, you read that right. I finally scheduled my hsg. Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck. I have a ton of emotions and thoughts running through my little brain right now. I was really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this. But after 15 cycles, I think its time. I gotta do what I gotta do. And I gotta go for an hsg.

I'm totally freaking out because of the pain factor. I've been scouring the internet (for months) and reading peoples comments (probably not the best thing to do, but I like to prepare myself). Some say it feels like really bad period cramps, which I get, but i don't handle them gracefully. Some times I sit on the couch rocking back and forth to try and tolerate, or I'm curled up on my bed feeling like i'm going to pass out. Ouch. I just can't images laying still, on a table, with a tube stuck up my uterus, and iodine getting pushed in areas it shouldn't be, dealing with that kind of pain. I'll certainly be taking at least 3 Aleves and whatever else i can find in the apartment. I'm hoping that will help.

I have to say, I'm also a little nervous with what they might find. Let's just say, I haven't always been such a good girl. I'm not proud of my past, and I pray that my carefree party days doesn't come back to haunt me.

I also have to schedule hubby's sa. I've already called the dr, and now I just need to schedule a time. Hubby doesn't know how easy he's got it. For his test we can make the collection at home and bring it to the lab within the hour. Not too bad. It beats laying down in a freezing cold room with a wimpy gown on, legs spread and a catheter up my cervix.

Anyway, I'm excited to finally get this over with. Obviously not excited for the test, but I feel like we're moving ahead and doing something. I'm being proactive. I know when the day comes, all the excitement will be gone, and I'll be throwing up with nerves. I just hope I don't throw up all over the pretty pink gown they give me.

June 9, 2008

TMI Alert

I've begun the tww. the dreaded tww. one minute I'm so hopeful and think this is it. The next moment I'm sobbing because I know there is no chance.

I did everything I could to improve my cm this month. I was taking evening prim rose, drinking lots of water and dong quai tea and took some Robitussin tablets. I also used the fertility monitor that my pregnant sister gave me. I think we had good timing, for the most part. We could have added a few more days but hubby has been so busy at work, he literally had no time. Early in the week he was coming home at 3am, and leaving for work at 8am. The poor guy was so tired and stressed, but I made sure to tell him of the really important days.

This is how it went (again, tmi, but maybe someone can relate...)

CD8 - watery, leaked a bit (low of fm)
CD9 - lots of stretchy in the evening, (hubby nowhere to be found) (low on fm)
CD10 - little stretchy, not as much, but there. Back was hurting. (low of fm)
CD11 - little cm, no stretchy (low on fm)
CD12 - little cm, lotiony, but no stretchy (high on fm)
CD13 - little cm, drier in the am, then lotiony, no stretchy, nips hurt, back hurt, feeling little crampy (peak on fm)
CD14 - some cm, much thicker and sticky, nips really hurt (peak on fm)
CD15 - more thick and sticky, nips still hurt (high on fm)

I realize why I never know when I ovulate, its because my ewcm does not come at the same time as ovulation. wtf. where is the ewcm on the high/peak days? And how can the fm tell me high when I know no spermies could swim through my cm. I think I ovulated Sat night (cd13) If that is the case, then we had good timing. We are really hoping for this month because it would give us a pisces baby, and we're both pisces.

This is so frustrating. I seriously hate this time of the month.

Fingers crossed, fingers crossed. Please please, please.

June 6, 2008

The Conflict

I'm not sure why I haven't called for an appointment yet. I guess I keep hoping 'this' will be the month. Yet in my mind I know it's not happening.

This morning i was wondering if i'm not moving forward because i'm not getting the support/push i need. Hubby is supportive in a way, he just kinda yeses me. If i say something, his response is OK, and then the conversation is done. Like last weekend when I told him I called our insurance company to find out whats covered. Then told him he needs to get an sa, and I get the hsg. All he said was, OK. We never really talk about it, and he never asks about it. (the only time he asks about anything is around ovulation, when he needs to 'perform', and sometimes asks if I've gotten my period). Don't get me wrong, he's a really sensitive guy, sometimes too sensitive, but i dont think he knows what to do, plus he's always too busy at work to worry about our situation. He kinda just goes along with things and says it will happen when it happens.

It WILL happen when it happens, but it will be because I am being proactive about it, like getting some tests done and seeing what the problem is. But i'm insanely nervous to move forward, and I sometimes think i need that push for me to actually do it. I need to know someone will be there with me and hold my hand and say 'don't worry, i'm here with you'.

This is where the conflicting comes in to play. I know there is one person in this world who will be everything i need them to be. They would be there on a drop of a dime. Be the support that I need, and give me that push when I need it, but also know when to back off. They would be sensitive, caring and give me hope, but also be a realist. I can say and do anything and know I'll still be loved unconditionally. There is only one person i trust more than myself.
My mom.

For the past year I've kept this secret. But i don't know how much longer i can keep it.