The Conflict

I'm not sure why I haven't called for an appointment yet. I guess I keep hoping 'this' will be the month. Yet in my mind I know it's not happening.

This morning i was wondering if i'm not moving forward because i'm not getting the support/push i need. Hubby is supportive in a way, he just kinda yeses me. If i say something, his response is OK, and then the conversation is done. Like last weekend when I told him I called our insurance company to find out whats covered. Then told him he needs to get an sa, and I get the hsg. All he said was, OK. We never really talk about it, and he never asks about it. (the only time he asks about anything is around ovulation, when he needs to 'perform', and sometimes asks if I've gotten my period). Don't get me wrong, he's a really sensitive guy, sometimes too sensitive, but i dont think he knows what to do, plus he's always too busy at work to worry about our situation. He kinda just goes along with things and says it will happen when it happens.

It WILL happen when it happens, but it will be because I am being proactive about it, like getting some tests done and seeing what the problem is. But i'm insanely nervous to move forward, and I sometimes think i need that push for me to actually do it. I need to know someone will be there with me and hold my hand and say 'don't worry, i'm here with you'.

This is where the conflicting comes in to play. I know there is one person in this world who will be everything i need them to be. They would be there on a drop of a dime. Be the support that I need, and give me that push when I need it, but also know when to back off. They would be sensitive, caring and give me hope, but also be a realist. I can say and do anything and know I'll still be loved unconditionally. There is only one person i trust more than myself.
My mom.

For the past year I've kept this secret. But i don't know how much longer i can keep it.