Lunch and a Sonogram

CD 25, around 8-10 dpo.

I've been crampy all week. And my boobs have been tender/sore for 6 days now. Not indicative of anything, but...

So I had lunch with my sister today. We don't do it very often and it was nice to get together. The afternoon started out with how nauseous she's been feeling and wanted something light, like a salad or soup. Pregnancy and baby wasn't the only thing she talked about, but we certainly covered a lot about the subject. I even saw pictures of her 3 embryos and her most recent sonogram. And, she even asked me if I wanted an old ovulation kit that she spent $300 for. She said she's been saving it for me. I told her sure, and it will be great for when the time comes. eerr.

Rachel Ray VS Veganomicon

I have no idea when I ovulated, if I did at all. I can usually tell after I Oed because I get the typical abundant thick, tacky, white cm (wow, that's very personal, TMI). Today I'm CD 17, and I haven't gotten it yet. It's been thicker then last week, but not like the usual. wtf.

I may have ovulated early this month. As I examine my chart, I got some stretchy cm (thanks to evening primrose oil and drinking green tea) on CD 9. That's super early. And my nips started hurting CD 14. Weird. They don't normally hurt, so I don't know if the pain was a few days before I Oed, or right at O. I obsess over my chart so I'm pretty sure of when I ovulate, and it's generally the same time every month, give or take a day. I’m confused.

I should really buy the OPKs just to be sure. And I would if I wasn't so cheap. $20 every month for little pee sticks, obsurd. And I cant stand the thought of paying $75 (or more) for one of those reusable, digital doodads. I would hate to spend the money, and then get pregnant. What a waste! In the meantime, I've been saying that for 8 months. If i bought it the first month, i would've definitely gotten my money's worth.

I’m watching Rachel Ray on the Food Network. I’m so not a fan, never was. I hate the ‘delish’, ‘sammies’, all those stupid words she uses. But most of all, her recipes suck. The few meals I tried I didn’t like. I will give her credit for a wonderful marketing job. She’s definitely got the right people working for her.

You know when a brand does good when my sister buys into it. She lives her life by what everyone else is doing, and I’m surprised it took her this long to finally jump on the RR bandwagon. 6 months ago when she told me she’s totally into her and bought her cookbook, I laughed. Now everything she makes is from Rachel Ray. She knows I'm such a foodie so she gets excited when she tells me about the meals she makes. For V-day she was telling me about the mini meatloafs she made; a RR recipe. It’s kinda funny, but go figure. We are opposites.

I actually made something pretty good last night, Chickpea Romesco from Veganomicon. It was quite tasty and very healthy. I’ve made a bunch of recipes from that cookbook, and its been hit or miss (so far lots of misses). But this one was good and different, a favorite so far. I can see using the sauce for different things like a pasta sauce, a dip, on top of fish. Mmm, that would be good. It was even better for lunch today. Yummo.

Time for tea.

Thank You

I want to thank those people who have left comments for me. Thank you for your words, and the smile you put on my face.

I've been reading so many blogs for so many months, and it gives me great comfort to know there are others who feel the same way I do. Hubby thinks I'm crazy to read these blogs because they are so depressing (I guess he was on my computer and looked through my browser history, snoopy bastard). He may find it depressing, but I find it helpful and hopeful. To know so many people also had problems and many of them succeed. To know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings, and to know I can be a part of a community where everyone truly wants the same thing. These blogs are raw. People write them with no expectations, and people read them without judgment.

Part of the reason I read so many is because I haven't told anyone, and hubby and I have very different feelings about this issue. He keeps saying 'it will happen when it's supposed to happen'. He says God has a plan for us. He is confident that we don't have any infertility issues, and it's just been a matter of being unlucky.

Well, I'm a little more scientific than that. Statistically, if everything is A OK, after 10 cycles of perfect timing and being healthy, I should have been pregnant by now. True, there could be a slight chance that we've been unlucky, but I'm just starting to think that we're unluckily infertile.

So knowing our differences in thought, I am grateful for the wonderful community I've found. For all those people who think like I do. For all those people I don't know, yet feel so connected to.

Thank you.

Thank you for all your support and taking the time to read another stranger's story.

I Am A Vampire

It’s Saturday and I realize I haven't told hubby that my sister is pregnant yet. It completely slipped my mind. I am not a good sister.

This is huge news for the family, and to think that I forgot, well it’s just terrible. In the past I’ve told him immediately, but in the past I also wasn’t trying to get pregnant for 10 months myself. I guess there are some serious underlying reasons why I haven't told him. All which we can figure out without having to go to a shrink.

He’s at work right now, but I will remember to tell him today.

Actually, what made me think of her even being pregnant, is the fact that we are all (my parents, and my sister and bro-in-law) are going out for my birthday dinner next Saturday. Because we all live so close (either Upper West, or Upper East sides) we always celebrate birthdays with a family dinner. It’s a nice tradition, but I’m so not into my birthday this year. I’m turning 33, which is fine, but I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I’m not going to say I’m depressed, but i'm certainly not as jovial as I usually am. I just think there are more important things to think about than my birthday. And now we have to hear about my sister being pregnant all night long. Keep in mind, she is the overly dramatic type who thinks she’s the only one who is or ever has been pregnant. She’s the overly-cautious-everyone-should-do-everything-for-her-while-she-relaxes kind of person. One day I will tell her that the world does not revolve around her. I know, there is some jealousy and resentment in my tone.

It doesn’t help that no one knows where I stand in the baby making process. They know not to ask me. Months before we started trying hubby slipped and told my parents our timeline. My parents were thrilled to hear the news, and that’s when my mom started with the annoyingness. I quickly told her I am not, and will not talk about it. But still, every once in a while she’ll make a comment or ask me whats going on and if we’re trying. I don’t answer. But I have to say, for the most part she’s been really good about it and respects my wishes.

I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to be happy for my sister. I wish her the best, I do. It’s just going to take a lot of acting next week to put a smile on my face when she starts talking about herself and how she’s feeling.

In the meantime, all I’ve been listening to is the Juno soundtrack and I can't get this song out of my head. It’s fun and makes me happy. Go figure its the music from a movie where a teenager accidentally gets pregnant.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, I just got the call that I knew was coming. My sister is pregnant. Happy fucking Valentines Day.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her. Really, I am. She's gone through so much, both emotionally and physically. She deserves this just as much as anyone else. They implanted 3 embryos, with the odds of 3 developing at only 6%. I guess because the eggs have been frozen, so the quality isn't as great. But it is likely she could have 2. At this point she's OK with that. 2 years ago when she started this process, she was freaking out over the idea of having twins - totally freaking.

She definitely got what she wanted for V-day. She is happy. I am happy for her.

But it still fucking sucks. I want to be pregnant. I want to feel her joy.

I hate this holiday ‘Valentines Day’, always have. It's a stupid Hallmark day that makes you spend more money on cards and things no one wants. A day when restaurants can hike up prices and people wear red. It's not that I'm not romantic, but I'll be romantic when I want to be, not because America decided on this day. I wanted to boycott this day, but instead we decided to spend no more than $25 – no surprises. I usually make a nice dinner, but i’m not into it this year. I really don’t feel like doing anything. Hubby left me a rose at the door when he was leaving this morning. So far I’ve gotten him a card.

Although, I have to say, I am happy and excited for today. Cuz tonight is the start of baby making. CD 11. I've been really good with taking my vitamins, drinking tea and taking the evening primrose. And it works! I had some stretchy cm last night. it wasn't as clear as they talk about, but it stretched, and that a good thing.

So maybe this will be my month. Maybe my sister and I could be pregnant together. Despite all the competitiveness and jealousy and sibling rivalry, I wouldn't mind doing this together; having this miracle bring us closer together.

I wish that's what God intended. Please, let this be my month.

Complete Opposites

The only thing my sister and I have in common is the fact we both have problems getting pregnant. My sis and brother-in-law were diagnosed with infertility when they learned his swimmers aren’t swimming so well. It’s been a long journey for them to get to where they are today.

They discovered their problems when they were trying for their first. After 6 months of trying naturally, they decided that was long enough and made the appointments with the drs. She took all the required blood work, HSG and everything came back fine. That’s when they found his mobility to be really low. They started with IUI and I think she got pregnant the first or second time. That was 6 years ago and now they have a beautiful 5 year old daughter.

When they decided to try for another child, they were only going to try naturally for 3 months. They knew the issues at hand and they figured why waste time (I think she was 34 at the time, now she’ll be 36 next month). After the 3 months they started with the IUI. I’m not sure how many she had, but it was a whole bunch, I want to say at least 6-8. That wasn’t working, and the next steps were IVF. I’m not really close to my sister so I’ve never talked to her about this stuff. But I am really close to my mom and we would have lengthy conversations of what my sister is going through and how she is dealing with it.

Even though I live across the park from my sister, we rarely see or speak to each other. My sister and I see the world completely different. Our thoughts, how we deal with things, our perspective on life, everything is complete opposite. She’s the typical type A, high strung, materialistic, overly dramatic, always running around, when having a conversation she talks about the lunch she had with her friends and what they are doing. She can’t pee without running it by her friends, and doesn’t care about anything but herself. I’m the typical B personality. Very laid back, down to earth, into eating organic, no-chemicals-lets-save-the-world, deep into my thoughts, can’t stand the bullshit, can stay home and entertain myself for days, and overly compassionate- especially with animals (hence being vegetarian).

As night and day my sister and I are, my mom and I as too much alike and extremely close. When people talk about soul mates, I know what they mean. We think alike, see the world the same, want the same things, and when I ask a question, she always answers the way I would. We can finish each others thoughts. We talk about anything and everything.

My mom and never really agreed with how my sister was doing and dealing with the issue. She was put on all these different drugs, taking shots and doing the IVF clomid thing. She got pregnant, but then miscarried. Once she got her period, she was back on the drugs, preparing for round 2. This time she froze the remaining embryos. Unfortunately she miscarried again. Without giving her body a rest from all the drugs, she went onto round 3. And finally, Feb 5th, they once again implanted 3 embryos, with the assumption, and hope only one will stick.

When she started trying for #1 6 years ago, she told lots of people, and she gave details. Everyone in the family (our side and his), knew what they were going through. And she did the same this time around. She said she only told us and a few ‘very’ close friends. I don’t know if she realizes it, but her caddy friends all gossip with each other, and she was just another gossipy conversation for them. Because of her dissappointments, apparently she only told my mom and her mother-in-law about this last round (and probably a friend or 2). She’s hinted to me that she’s going through the process again, but never told me dates or details. Technically I’m not supposed to know she’s ‘pregnant’. I truly hope this one sticks. I can feel her pain, wanting something so bad and not being able to get it.

Could this be the one thing that will bring us closer together. The one thing and we can share how we feel. But then i think, no we are complete opposites. At this point, I don't want to share my struggles, I don't feel the need to share it with my friends.

I haven't told a single soul that we’ve been trying to get pregnant. Not even my mom.

A New Meditation Room

Painful period cramps woke me up on this gloomy monday morning. When I told Hubby, the second thing he said to me was "we should have a big steak this time". (The first thing he said was how sorry he was, etc.).

CD1

I knew this wasn't the month, yet I'm still so sad and cry. While Hubby and I were moving the car for alternate side of the street parking (one of the many ridiculous things city dwellers do), Hubby and I had a good talk, actually it was more of him talking, me listening. Looking at him, or saying anything just makes my eyes swell with tears. He said some good things, and makes me a little more hopeful that this could still happen naturally.

He's all into the God thing and is a big believer. He's not a preacher, he mostly keep it to himself because he knows I'm not much of a believer. It's not that I don't believe in a 'something', I just don't necessarily believe in 'God'. He respects that, and I respect his beliefs, but he really wishes that we were on the same boat with this subject. It's not so much about religion (because I'm Jewish and he's Catholic), but more about believing in God and having faith. Well, we'll see where that goes. I'm more into the spiritual side of things and think meditation may help. So that my mission today. I'm going to head over to the tibetan store and find a good meditation cd and maybe a pillow.

We actually have a perfect meditation room in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Back when we just started talking about getting pregnant we decided to stick it out in our apartment and convert 2 walk-in closets into a nursary. Not ideal, I know. But there is no way we can afford a 2 bedroom, even after selling and making almost double for what we paid for our 1 bedroom. Anyway, we came up with a plan, installed a wall of closets, did someother construction in the apartment to creat space and storage. What we ended up with was a new, very tiny, but beautiful room with french doors, a ceiling fan and comfy soft wool carpet. The walls are a soft white and the carpet is an oak color. It's warm and cozy.

More about the renovation another day. In the meantime, we have an empty space. Seems perfect for a temporary meditation room.

My Shower Theory

CD 29

I feel it coming. I get the mild annoying crampyness going, and i know its on the way. Just spare me and come already. Even though i know the chances of being pregnant are like .5%, i still have the .5% of hope that this might be the month. So until i see red, i'm still so slightly hopeful.

Hubby keeps asking me how i feel. i keep telling him i feel fine. i have nothing to report, i feel nothing different; unlike a few months ago when i had every pregnancy symptom there is.

The one symptom that got me convinced started 2 months into ttc. During the ttw i swear i was feeling things. My boobs were suddenly getting so sore and slightly bigger, which never happened before. Usually my pms consists of bitchyness and mood swings, but never sore bbs. There were a few months that my boobs hurt so much I was protecting them from any accidental poking. So naturally in the back of my mind i'm thinking, yeay, im pregnant. but then as CD 27, 28, 29 rolled around, the soreness got milder and went away. And my period had arrived, bummer. This went on for 6 months. I learned to accept the fact that my boobs are going to hurt every month, and that its not really a sign and i shouldn't get my hopes up. But towards the 5th & 6th month of this the soreness wasn't as bad. And now, nothing. No sore boobs, ever. Not even for a day. WTF. Seriously, wtf.

Last week in the shower i came up with a theory (all the best ideas happen in the shower). So my theory on this bb pain is that i'm having chemical pregnancies. The egg and spermies are meeting, chemical shit happening, my body's reacting and my bbs hurt. But there's no implantation. This would explain the one month that i spotted. Yeah, i know, bb pain and spotting, classic signs. But then my period came and I was shocked. So I'm thinking, it tried to implant, but never did. And now i'm thinking thats the problem, the little ones are unable to implant. And that makes me sad. But i'm still in denial, and its still not 12 months, so i will have hope. One of these little fuckers will be strong enough to implant, and i hopes its a girl.