May 31, 2008

The Good and The Bad

By now I'm used to people asking me if I have kids, do I plan on having them, when I'm having them, I should already have them, type comments. But this is a first. And this one hurts the most.

I think I mentioned in a past post that we recently did some renovations in our apartment. When we bought our one bedroom 4 1/2 years ago we thought of it as our "starter" apartment. It's been completely renovated, doorman, eat-in-kitchen and in a great location. We love it here and really don't want to move, but we lack space. So knowing we want to expand our family (and a decent 2 bedroom is unaffordable right now) we did some work to our place that would buy us some time here. We tried to add as much storage space as possible without making it feel claustrophobic.

Our renovation was the talk of the building and hubby was telling everyone all the work that was being done. One of the things we did was combine 2 walk-in closets and made a small room. I was really worried about how this 'new' room would turn out, but I have to say, it turned out beautiful. We put in custom french doors where the closet doors were, a tiny ceiling fan, crown moldings and beautiful, soft oat carpet. It really looks great, very tiny, but cozy.

Last week hubby was talking to a building friend (who just had a baby about 5 months ago and got pregnant on the first try), and invited him up to see all the work we did. It's no secret that the room will eventually be a baby's room, but i'm not the type to blab about it to everyone. I say it will eventually be a baby's room, but it's an office for now. But hubby tells everyone. He tells everyone that it's going to be a nursery and now everyone is interested in the new room, a) because it's never been done in the building, and b) i guess because it's ridiculous to put a baby a closet. (You do crazy things when you live in NYC).

Anyway, he saw the room, loved it, said there's plenty of room for baby. Now he's apparently telling people in the building that he saw the room. OK, i dont care if people see it. What I do care about are the questions. Like when someone in the elevator asked "when is the baby due?"

This brought tears to my eyes when hubby told me this.

Now there are rumors that i'm pregnant. Can this get any worse. how much more pain can my heart take.

Oh, I called about my health plan yesterday. The good news is that I'm covered for all diagnosis infertility services. This includes bloodwork, tests, and procedures.

The bad news is they don't cover anything to actually help me get pregnant. No iui, no clomid, and certainly no ivf. So no more taking a back seat here. I gotta find out what the problem is before the end of the year. Then, if necessary switch to the hmo plan, where treatments are covered. I have to make these appointments. Hubby is going for the se, i'm finally going for the hsg. I'm calling Mon.

So thats good. Once I reach my $250 deductable then I'm covered 90%. Once I reach the $1000 max, I'm covered 100%.

Not bad. But not good.

May 30, 2008

More Waiting

I know i've been mia. I thought i would like writing this blog and expressing myself. Turns out i hate it. it forces me to sit and really think about where i am and what we're going through, and it just sucks. i try so hard not to think about it and the reality of my infertility. But on the other hand, it's all i think about, it consumes me. i can be anywhere, in the shower, on the bus, in the park with my dog, and as soon as I think about it, my eyes swell with tears. it's awful, a truly awful feeling and an awful situation to be in. this past year i've cried and sobbed more than i ever have in my lifetime. And to sit here and write about it, it pains me.

CD5 (or 4 according to my digital monitor)

i have to print out a new sheet for my charting. this is my 4th sheet, and i swear, when i created it, i never ever thought i would go through so many sheets. I thought i would chart for a few months and be done with it. But the charting has become part of my life, something i do everyday. i keep it in a red panphlet hubby gave me when we had to reenroll for our insurance. it's dated Nov. 2006. I've had this next to my bed since Nov. 2006. It's completely falling apart.

Usually around ovulation and at some point during my tww, i study my chart and see if anything is different. but today i'm noticing something else. i'm realizing how many months we've been trying. In my brain I know its been a year, but to see it on paper, and to flip through all my sheet, it hits you in a different way. And for the first time in months i counted how many cycles its been. 13. I'm on cycle 14.

my eyes are swelling.

i need to take action. it's time to do some testing. but i know our insurance doesn't cover any kind of fertility treatments. it covers some testing, but thats about it. so even if we find out the problem, we have to wait till the new year when we can change our plan to an HMO so treatments are covered. i guess thats why i've been waiting to do the more evasive testing. knowing we cant do any treatments this year, i figure, wait, and maybe something will happen naturally.

but i'm getting tired of waiting. I've already waited a year.

I'm calling now. i'm going to try and find out whats covered in my plan. Good luck to me trying to get some answers.

i'll let you know how it goes. But you might have to wait a while.

May 19, 2008

A Delicious Sunday

I spent a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday. I guess it's kinda like therapy for me.

I had a few bananas that were too ripe for our liking. So naturally, I made banana bread. I've tried a lot of different recipes, some vegan, some not. I avoid baking with butter at all costs. I figure if I'm baking, I might as well try to be healthy. So I found a low fat version in Veganomicon. It sounded good but of course I had to tweak it a little. For one, I used whole wheat flour, which you would never know. I also added an extra banana, vanilla and instead of applesauce, I used some soy milk. It actually came out pretty good. I think because I subbed the ap flour with ww flour, i should have used a little bit less than it called for. But otherwise, the taste is great, it's moist, and kinda healthy. We ate half a loaf yesterday.

I also made Cornmeal Anise Biscotti. These are one of my favorites, also based on a recipe, but with a bunch of tweaking. I love the flavor of anise, and the cornmeal adds a great crumbly texture and flavor. These are not vegan (they call for 3 eggs), but they are low fat because there is no butter and only 2 tablespoons of oil. Hubby likes these a lot, he also took some to work for his coworkers.

For dinner I made Absorption Pasta with Chickpeas Tomatoes and Asparagus. Another winner. Hubby actually used the word 'delicious', which he rarely uses to describe my meals. I don't think it's the most popular method of cooking pasta, but its a great way to achieve a creamy, saucy pasta dish without adding fats like butter, cream or lots of cheese. The creaminess is created from the starch of the pasta, and the more you stir, the creamier it becomes. It's almost like cooking risotto, but with pasta. When using this technique, you only add enough liquid to the skillet for the pasta to absorb, and it then creates a sauce. That's right, this is a one pot meal, that takes 30 minutes or less.

It's best to use a shaped pasta like penne, shells, or in my case orecchiette. And you can certainly use any type of bean or vegetable. Here's the recipe.

Skillet Orecchiette with Tomatoes, Chickpeas and Asparagus


● 2 tbsp. olive oil
● 1/2 small onion, chopped
● 2 cloves garlic, minced
● 2 1/2 cups Orecchette (or any other shaped pasta)
● 2 cups Vegetable stock
● 1 cup water
● 1/2 can chickpeas (rinsed and drained)
● 1 can cherry tomatoes (separate juice from tomatoes)
● 6 spears asparagus, cut 1/2 inch pieces
Grana Padano (or any kind of parm cheese), salt and pepper to taste


Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat and saute onions until slightly browned. Add garlic and cook 30 seconds.
Add pasta and stir to coat with oil and onions. Pour in broth, water and juice from tomatoes, bring to a boil. Stir and add chickpeas.
Lower heat slightly and cook stirring frequently (make sure pasta doesn't stick to pan) until pasta is just about done, about 15 minutes. Add asparagus and tomatoes to skillet. Using kitchen shears, cut tomatoes in half, and continue to cook until done.
Stir in a few tablespoons of cheese, and season with salt and pepper.

I served this with garlic cheese toasts (slice baguette, rub with garlic, shmeare a little butter and top with grated cheese. Toast until cheese melts) and a salad with my homemade vinagrette. Very good, easy Sunday meal.

May 12, 2008

Tables Turned

So yesterday we were all out for mother's day with the usually gang: me and hubby, my parents, sister, brother-in-law and their daughter. i knew my sister was finally going public with her news. She was ready to announce to the world that she is pregnant. Obviously we all knew already, but earlier that morning she finally told my niece she was going to be a big sister. So when we were waiting to be seated, it was being discussed and made into a very big deal. It was cute to see her get so excited about being getting a sibling.

When we sat down we continued the discussion of big sister/pregnancy drama. Then all of a sudden, my sister whipped out a pile of folded up sonogram pictures. We all had to pass around these long stretches of black and white pictures in the middle of the restaurant. And i had to sit there, pretending to be excited and look at 40 pictures of her baby in her uterus. "Did you see these?" "Look at these." "And these!" So now the entire restaurant knew she was pregnant.

She's excited. I get it. But when she was trying to get pregnant for 2 years (and not telling anyone), she would get so pissed off and annoyed at people who were constantly talking about their pregnancy, showing pictures and talking about babies. She truly thought they were insensitive people and wanted nothing to do with them. She avoided her friends and family members who were pregnant or who just had babies. She didn't want to here about it and certainly didn't want to share in their joy. She would tell us this, as if her behavior was acceptable and people should just know and be sensitive to her and her situation.

And now look at her. In the middle of a restaurant, and not knowing about Anyones situation, she was blabbing and so indiscreetly took out every picture she had of her womb. And I, sit there, annoyed and pissed off of her insensitivity. Not wanting to hear about it, look at it, and share her joy.

I, have become her.

May 8, 2008

Too Sick, Too Tired

I have been sick. It sucks. On Monday i had a tempurture of 101. I was throwing up and in bed all day. I felt a little better the next day, but still had a temp. Yesterday I was finally able to go to work and ate a little more than a piece of bread, although now it turned into a cold of sorts. Very bad timing to get sick according to my new fertility monitor.

About a month ago my sister gave me her Clearblue digital fertility monitor; the one that costs like $200 and the sticks cost $50 a box. She knows I won't talk about the issue, so she handed it to me and I said thanks. I was excited to start using it this cycle because I never really know when I ovulate. With all the charting I've done for the past year, I still can not pin point the day I ovulate. I usually have an idea, but i could be days off.

Anyway, they tell you to start testing on day 6, and continue for 10 days. The monitor differs from the other OPKs because it's (so freakin expensive), and supposed to tell you the low, high and peak days your fertile. Well, from CD 6-9 it was low (as I expected), but on CD10, it said I was peak! CD10? thats super early, and what happened to my high days? It went from low to peak. How is that? But it didn't even matter because I was so sick, there was no way I was getting it on with hubby.

So next day (yesterday), CD11, not only did I see super stretchy ewcm when I woke up (i've been diligently taking my Evening Primrose Oil), it was another peak day. Good thing i was feeling well enough for a deposit last night.

And now today, CD12, the monitor said high fertility. So according to the monitor I already ovulated. wtf? Have I been wrong all this time? I couldn't have been. I've done the opks and they tell me my peak days are cd13, 14 &15.

I'm so over this. I'm tired of the tracking, charting, and the monitoring. I'm tired of thinking about it and worrying if hubby is going to be in the mood to make a deposit. Sometimes i just can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the one who can't get pregnant. I'm tired of trying. I'm emotionally drained. The scary part is, the real journey has just begun. The journey of infertility.

May 1, 2008



This month marks a year. I am officially 'one of those people', the 'infertile' one.

I've been putting off getting an HSG. I fear what they might find, and also fear the physical pain it will cause. But as each day goes by, I know its something I have to do. I know i'll eventually get to that point and just do it.

I no longer cry when I get my period. I am so in tune with my body that I know exactly when it's coming. I expect it and prepare myself.

The crying now comes when I see a mom or dad having a moment with their baby. Like when I was on the bus the other day and I saw a dad with his 2 kids. The sister must have been around 4 and the younger boy about 10 months (I never used to be able to judge age, but I think I'm pretty on target these days). Anyway, I was sitting across from them and just watching the interaction. The way the dad was watching his little one. How he was holding him and making sure he didn't fall. The enjoyment he got from letting his child stand on his lap and sway back and forth with the movement of the bus. It was precious. The baby was so happy, smiling and giggling with his older sister. His little feet and hands, holding on so tightly. It was a moment, a moment I crave for myself. I moment that pains me because I cant achieve that. It hurts. It makes me so sad. It leaves me weak, both emotionally and physically.

It's weird how much has changed over the year. When we first started trying I wanted the pregnancy so bad. I was ready to be pregnant and go through the experience, more than I was ready for the actual baby. I would be so jealous of pregnant women and would picture my own belly growing. But now, it's not the actual pregnancy I crave so much, it's the baby. It's seeing parents with their children that I envy. At some point I unknowingly made the switch from just wanting pregnancy, to really wanting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I still really want to be pregnant, but now it's the end result that I truly want. I feel like I'm soo ready now. So ready to care for and love my child. I'm ready to expand my family and share those experiences with my husband. I'm ready to change my life and fill it with the joys of a child. I'm ready for those special moments.

Please, I'm begging, give me those special moments.