More Waiting

I know i've been mia. I thought i would like writing this blog and expressing myself. Turns out i hate it. it forces me to sit and really think about where i am and what we're going through, and it just sucks. i try so hard not to think about it and the reality of my infertility. But on the other hand, it's all i think about, it consumes me. i can be anywhere, in the shower, on the bus, in the park with my dog, and as soon as I think about it, my eyes swell with tears. it's awful, a truly awful feeling and an awful situation to be in. this past year i've cried and sobbed more than i ever have in my lifetime. And to sit here and write about it, it pains me.

CD5 (or 4 according to my digital monitor)

i have to print out a new sheet for my charting. this is my 4th sheet, and i swear, when i created it, i never ever thought i would go through so many sheets. I thought i would chart for a few months and be done with it. But the charting has become part of my life, something i do everyday. i keep it in a red panphlet hubby gave me when we had to reenroll for our insurance. it's dated Nov. 2006. I've had this next to my bed since Nov. 2006. It's completely falling apart.

Usually around ovulation and at some point during my tww, i study my chart and see if anything is different. but today i'm noticing something else. i'm realizing how many months we've been trying. In my brain I know its been a year, but to see it on paper, and to flip through all my sheet, it hits you in a different way. And for the first time in months i counted how many cycles its been. 13. I'm on cycle 14.

my eyes are swelling.

i need to take action. it's time to do some testing. but i know our insurance doesn't cover any kind of fertility treatments. it covers some testing, but thats about it. so even if we find out the problem, we have to wait till the new year when we can change our plan to an HMO so treatments are covered. i guess thats why i've been waiting to do the more evasive testing. knowing we cant do any treatments this year, i figure, wait, and maybe something will happen naturally.

but i'm getting tired of waiting. I've already waited a year.

I'm calling now. i'm going to try and find out whats covered in my plan. Good luck to me trying to get some answers.

i'll let you know how it goes. But you might have to wait a while.