March 28, 2008

Hoping for 30

My second round of blood work came back and everything looks fine. I'm ovulating. Yeay. (Not that I ever thought that was a problem).

My dr is confident that I'll be getting pregnant any day now. Every time I speak to him he makes a comment like, 'you could be pregnant, lets wait and see'.

I called him yesterday about doing an additional test with the blood just taken. He just fluffed it off and said, lets see if your pregnant this month, and if you get your period, we'll do more blood work next month.

Huh?! Why not just do it all now. Why wait another month? They already took the blood, why not use it?!

But then I'm thinking, (more like making excuses), that his attitude makes perfect sense. I'm going to a dr on the UES where a majority of his clients are uptight women with too much money who need instant gratification all the time. Women who run to the dr for every, single, thing. These are the same women who go to the dr because they have a cold and want an antibiotic to get rid of it. The same women who when they see a pimple forming, they run to the dermatologist to zap it. And if their eye is itchy, they run to the dr in fear that it may be pink eye.

I'm not one of those. I don't run to the dr for anything. Something has to be seriously wrong for me to visit or even call the dr. I'm a naturalist, the body will take care of its self.

But i can see why the dr takes this tone. He probably sees women everyday crying because they haven't gotten pregnant after 3 months and want to know whats wrong. Then they get pregnant on the 4th or 5th try, and the drs like 'told you so'.

But, i'm on cycle 12. It's been a year. Yeah, i guess there's still a slight chance of getting pregnant this month or next, but there is also a greater chance that something is not right. Believe me, I want him to say 'told you so'.

Anyway, i'm on cd 27, and my boobs are sore. I'm hoping this is a 30 day cycle because I have a business trip and leave on April 6th, for 5 nights! Yup, how shitty is that. Leave Sun night and wont be back till Fri afternoon. I almost cried when i found out because all i could think about was if I'll be home during ovulation (oh, and how i'll be missing my pooch and hubby). My cycles range from 27-30 days, and if it's a 29 or 30 day cycle then we'll have a few days of trying. If my lovely period comes sooner, then it looks like we'll be out for the month.

Or, of coarse, I can hope this is the month.

But, I'm also realist.

March 18, 2008

12th Time a Charm?

CD 17

Went to the dr yesterday so they can see how the spermies were swimming inside me. I'm pretty sure I ovulated over the weekend so my cm was not the best for this test. He did see lots of spermies, and they were moving, just not moving forward. He said that could be due to the fact that I already ovulated, or that my cm is not great. He suggested I do the Robitussin thing if i'm not pregnant this month. (Hmm, i guess he forgot the conversation we had the other week.) As he was explaining things he suddenly used the word 'insemination'. Aaahh, the lovely word none of us want to hear. But he also said everything looks fine. So what is it doc? You cant say 'everything looks fine' and 'insemination' in the same breath.

Next step: go back to dr cd 23 for 2nd round of blood work. Oh, btw, all my other blood work came out normal. I requested a copy of the paperwork so I can obsess about the tests and numbers, and like he said, everything looks totally fine. He also wants hubby to do a spermie test around the time I get my period. The guys have it soooo easy. He does this one test and he's done. Unfortunately it's just the start of my issues.

On another note, our trip was great. We went to Las Vegas (which I've been to, but hubby never has). We toured all the hotels - craazy, rented a car and did some hiking in the Red Rocks, went to hoover dam and drove along Lake Mead, saw Ka, ate some good meals and played the slots. I think we lost a total of $50. We stayed in the Venetian, which has beautiful, huge suite rooms. I seriously think the room was bigger than our apartment. It was a really fun trip and I hope he had a great 40th birthday.

On Another note, my sister is still pregnant but has been on bed rest for the past 2 weeks. Apparently she has been spotting and because of her past history of miscarriages, they want her to basically not move to make sure this one sticks. The dr said the reason for the spotting is because of a blood clot thats rubbing against a sac that didn't make it (oh, she's only having one). They said it's totally normal and lots of women spot, but she should play it safe. She's coming into her 9th week which is when she lost the other 2. I hope this one makes it. She's really been through so much, and it would just suck if this turned for the worst.

So another 2ww begins. I'm not very hopeful this month. I say that now, but as soon as I feel a possible twinge/symptom, i'm thinking maybe this is the month. But seriously, it hasn't worked 11 other times, why would it work on the 12th?

March 5, 2008

Flying to Somewhere

Yesterday I went to the dr and had tubes of blood taken. I'm not very good with needles or blood, and almost passed out. I was not having fun.

Then I was told to sit with my dr to discuss next steps. I think he gave me all of 30 seconds before he shoed me out of his office. He told me to have sex right at ovulation then I should come in the next morning so they can see how the spermies are swimming around in there. Then about a week later I have to go back and have more blood taken. Um, o.k.

I started to tell him how I don't have much ewcm and was taking something to help. He jumped and said 'oh, you've been taking Robutussen?'
I said 'no, why you think that works?'
"No, but some experience more stretchiness"
I said, "well, I do a lot of reading and tried Evening Primrose"
He shook his head as if he was so disappointed in me.
"It worked. Why, you don't think it works?" I asked.
Then he started saying "there is no scientific...blah blah...that proves...blah blah blah".
Then he said, 'well, your looking a lot better, I'll see you next week."
I'm dismissed, I pay my $25.

When I tell hubby this, he immediately tells me to find another dr., that this guy is all about the scientific and totally discourages the natural/homeopathic options. (Needless to say, we are all about the natural, and don't believe that drugs are the answer to all problems).

Ok, so hubby is right to a certain degree, but I've been using this dr since I was 15. My sister used him, and my mom used to go to the same office (not same dr). These people know everything about my family and history. It's not so easy to just find a new dr. especially one that goes up your hoo-ha.

A few words about my dr.... he's a nice guy, young, decent looking, gentle, but I don't think he likes me. I'm not like most of the women that visit this office (I did mention my sister sees him, right?). They are 'Upper East Siders' that are bubbly, dressed to the nines and walk in with their Barney's shopping bags, and huge diamond rings. Me, I'm in jeans and my Dansko clogs wanting to get the hell out of there. I feel no need for bullshit conversation, and I'm certainly not going to pretend I'm happy to see him. So is he my perfect dr, umm, probably not. And I would prefer to have a dr closer to my apt (on the west side) since I may need (hope) to make a lot more visits.

But I'm in no mood, especially at this point to search and experiment with drs. But I may consider it. It would be nice to have a dr with the same beliefs as me, for so many reasons.

On another note, I'm taking hubby on a surprise trip tomorrow (it's his 40th bday). He knows he's flying somewhere, but has no idea where. Every day for the past week I've been giving him clues. He's guessed the vicinity (didn’t tell him if he was right or wrong), but not the place. I really wanted to go to Europe, but he wouldn't give me a week, I only got a long weekend. So we're leaving tomorrow and coming home on Monday. I can't say where, yet, just incase he reads this (but I don't think he knows about this blog). He'll find out when he gets home. I'll have a certain song playing as he walks through the door.

I’ve got a lot of last minute planning to do, and lots of details to figure out. I hope he likes his destination.

March 3, 2008


CD 2

It is so painful. Numbing. My arms feel like bricks, they are so hard to lift. It never gets easier, even though I’ve been through it 11 times already.
I was prepared for it to come. My boobs hardly tender at all, a far cry from the other night when they hurt to touch them. I also get those annoyingly mild cramps. Cant pinpoint them, but the whole region down there is crampy. When I tell hubby I know its coming, he always makes some comment like “nice that your being so positive”. Well, its hard to be positive when I feel it coming. Its a feeling I cant describe, but women know what I’m talking about. believe me, i try to be positive and hopeful. It's what keeps me going during the painfully long 2ww.

--------- Later----------

I just took my first step to admitting/dealing with my infertility. (I’m sobbing by the way, so this may not make any sense).
I just called my dr. he has to call me back, I guess to see what the appointment will entail and if hubby needs to be there. Hubbys schedule is ridiculously busy and stressful, I don’t know how he’ll be able to do this with me.

My hands are shaking. The tears won’t stop flowing. I am feeling absolutely terrible right now.

What make things worse is Facebook. I love it. I find people I haven't heard from in 10 years. But just yesterday I found someone I went to sleep away camp with. We had an unusual camp experience. For 8 years we were known as the fab 5. Every year, for 8 years we were together. they couldn’t separate us, and they would never dare put anyone else in our bunk. We were the fab 5.

I was thrilled when I saw her on facebook and wondered what everyone else is up to. When she responded she gave me the update. 1 has a one year old. Another has 2 kiddies. And she is due in a few weeks with her 2nd, along with the last fab 5er (they are due on the same day).

Then I start thinking, if I would have gotten pregnant around the time we started trying, I would be due right now too.

I am so sad.

i can't get my thoughts together, yet i have so many racing through my mind. this is a really bad day.

when is the dr going to call me back. i need to make this appointment.

------- Later ------

I just spoke to my dr. I will going in tomorrow for bloodwork.

and so it begins...