Pass Down The Wine

I haven't blogged because I have nothing to blog about.

This month is pretty much out. I came back from my business trip on cd13 and only got in one deposit before ovulation. Doing the deed for the sole purpose of trying for a baby is not creating happy times here. It's really wearing on us, and becoming more of a chore.

At this point i don't even see myself pregnant or getting pregnant. I feel like I am one of those really unlucky people. At the start of this journey i would think how big my belly would be with each season. I was picturing my big belly on the beach, or how big i would be during the holidays. Would I be able to pick up my food from the CSA? I didn't buy clothing because I thought i wouldn't fit into it anymore.
Silly me.

These past 2 years I have been living my life with the expectation of actually getting pregnant. I've been preparing my body and home for a baby. Living by all the rules, like not drinking wine. Not eating raw fish or soft cheese after ovulation. reading baby and pregnancy blogs. hubby even subscribed us to several baby/parent magazines (which I did Not ask for). But i'm done with that. I'm buying clothes now. I'm drinking wine, and i"m eating whatever I want. And i'm done reading about parenting and babies.

I'm taking my old life back. I'm now living each month without thinking I may be pregnant. I still hope for it, but I no longer think this is the month. I need to keep myself grounded. I will no longer look at other babies and pregnant women and wish I had that. i will not be jealous. I must not get my hopes up each month.

Or at least I need to keep telling myself all this.