September 12, 2008

I lied

Remember the other day when I said I don't cry anymore?

I lied.

Yesterday i was riding the subway and i saw a woman get on with her daughter in a stroller. the woman was young and thin with long hair and she reminded me of myself. I was watching her interact with her daughter and then we caught each others eyes. I gave a smirk and looked down because i felt tears swelling my eyes. The rest of the ride home, and even the walk to my apartment my eyes were filled with tears. Not a good day for me.

Today is no better. I'm 97% sure i am not pregnant. Even though my boobs are sore and I've had mild cramps for 4 days, it means nothing. As i look back on my charts I see i've been through the very same things in prior months. But of coarse, I could be (hope I'm) wrong, and will leave that 3% chance.

10 dpiui

I'm never as optimistic as my period comes near. Right after the iui I was so hopeful and excited. Now I just want my period to come so I can move on to the next treatment.

Next treatment... the thought makes me cry.

Why. Why does it have to be so hard, so painful.

I get it now. Appreciate. I get it. And I do. Much more than if i became pregnant in just a few months.
I appreciate the process. I appreciate the body. I appreciate life. I appreciate love. I appreciate all the lessons learned.

My sister is due in 6 weeks. She carried very big this time. She looks like she can give birth at any minute. I understand everyone is very excited about this event and it's all everyone keeps talking about. But it's so painful for me. It makes me cry.

I must be pmsing because I am so sad, and all I can do is cry.

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