One of the things Hubby was saying to me last night was how I should try going the more holistic route. He's not a fan of the drs. recommendations of drugs and artificial treatments. So, to entertain his suggestion...
Does anyone know of holistic infertility treatment places in NYC? Any good books? I'm sure there are tons of them, but prefer one that is recommended by someone.
Thanks.
October 10, 2008
It's Just To Hard
i thought this blog would help me with this process, but i find myself not wanting to write because I don't want to deal with the issue. When i write, i have to confront my pain. it forces me to think about how i feel about our situation. And I want it to just go away. that if i ignore it, it will go away. that its all just a dream.
but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.
Yesterday was one such event.
As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.
My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.
I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.
the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.
But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.
It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.
This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
but i know its not. i know this is realer than anything i've gone through. the pain and hurt, it's all too real.
every once in a while there is an event/situation that makes me realize how badly i'm handling this.
Yesterday was one such event.
As usual, we were getting together for the holiday. This time we were going to my sister's mother-in-law. I always hate going there, but this time I was dreading it. I had a gut feeling I was going to hear news that I really did not want to hear. Turns out my brother-in-laws cousin & wife show up. (I guess that makes them my cousin-in-law?). As soon as we got there we were told they are expecting, and they are in their 4th month.
My heart sank. I felt like I got hit by a truck. My throat closed up. I felt tears swell my eyes, and i was trying so hard to fight them and instead be happy and smile for them.
I knew it. I just knew it. We've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married. How unfair is that.
the whole night was a disaster for me. Between them and my sister (due in 2 weeks), all talk was about pregnancy and baby. And all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. Cry my heart out. But i held back the tears, faked the smiles, faked the happiness, faked being interested in their life and the new 2 bedroom apartment they just bought.
But once the night was over and Hubby and I were at our front door, the tears came, and boy, did I have a session. Poor hubby had to deal with me. I usually have my sessions alone. I'll have mini sessions with hubby, but i usually save the ball-out sessions for the shower or when he's not home.
It wasn't good. It's still not good. This is so much harder than I want to think. This is so much harder than I want to admit. I try to be strong. I don't know how much more strength I have. My sister is going to give birth in 2 weeks or less. How am I supposed to stay strong and happy.
This was a ramble, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm in no mood to spend time and try to make my horrible writing sound good. I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
October 3, 2008
Party Without Me
Last night when making dinner hubby told me we have a birthday party to go to on Sat. I got all exciting thinking, oh a friend is having a party and now we have a Sat night activity. Wrong. Turns out it's his partner's (at work) kid's 3 year birthday party.
What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.
He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?
I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.
What? Why the fuck would I want to go there? I don't even go to my own nieces birthday party.
He said it's a big family thing and everyone we sometimes hang out with is going to be there. Thats because they All Have Kids. What the fuck am I going to do there. Sit around and watch what I don't have? Stand around and pretend I'm so happy to see everyone and talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they are doing these days. It's different when I see these people without kids, because then I just hear stories about them, but we're still in adult situations. But at a kids birthday party... no thanks. These people are not even my friends. I see them at most 2x a year and thats it. It's not like I speak to them or I've known them for so many years. They are my Hubby's partner's friends/family. Now why would I want to hang out with their kids?
I never thought I would be the one to avoid these kind of situations. But this is the way it is. I don't want to volentarely hang out with other peoples kids, I hate hearing about pregnant people, I don't want to hear how they got pregnant on the first try, and I certainly don't want to hear they are pregnant with another. Sorry. I got dealt a shitty hand and I'm trying to deal with it. And it doesn't help to get it rubbed in my face.
September 29, 2008
The Joy of Baking
I forgot to mention that I have to see my pregnant sister tonight. She's due about the 3rd week of October. She's huge and she walks/sits around like she is the Queen of the City. She talks and acts as if she is the only one who is, or ever has been pregnant. But I think I mentioned this in a past post.
Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.
In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.
Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.
In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.
Happy New Year
Went in for my 2nd sonogram this morning. The Dr walked in and said, 'your estrogen is very high'.
Me: "Is that good or bad?"
Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"
Me: "Thats the plan."
I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.
I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.
Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."
Me:"is that good or bad?"
Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."
Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.
I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.
So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.
I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.
Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.
It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.
Me: "Is that good or bad?"
Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"
Me: "Thats the plan."
I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.
I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.
Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."
Me:"is that good or bad?"
Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."
Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.
I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.
So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.
I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.
Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.
It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.
September 26, 2008
Went to the dr today for my ultrasound. It wasn't my regular dr, but this one was pretty nice and explained stuff to me. Too bad my head wasn't all there cause I missed some important info. It was cool to see my uterus and follicles. She said I have 2-3 good ones in my right ovary. Nothing in my left. I'm pretty sure she told me the size of them too, but I missed that part. I also had some blood drawn. I have to go back Mon morning and get another sono to see how my follies progressed. Either I'll get the iui on Mon, or get a trigger shot and schedule the iui for tues. I told hubby he's on call for mon and tues.
===================
I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.
Now I'm totally depressed.
If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.
===================
I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.
Now I'm totally depressed.
If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.
September 21, 2008
Clomid and Crackberry
I started my clomid last night. Tomorrow I have to call the dr. and make an appointment for the ultrasound. It has to be on Friday, cd11, but I know my dr isn't around on Fridays. Well, i guess it's just another stranger looking up my hooha.
Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.
I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).
I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.
The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.
Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.
I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).
I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.
The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.
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