Pass Down The Wine

I haven't blogged because I have nothing to blog about.

This month is pretty much out. I came back from my business trip on cd13 and only got in one deposit before ovulation. Doing the deed for the sole purpose of trying for a baby is not creating happy times here. It's really wearing on us, and becoming more of a chore.

At this point i don't even see myself pregnant or getting pregnant. I feel like I am one of those really unlucky people. At the start of this journey i would think how big my belly would be with each season. I was picturing my big belly on the beach, or how big i would be during the holidays. Would I be able to pick up my food from the CSA? I didn't buy clothing because I thought i wouldn't fit into it anymore.
Silly me.

These past 2 years I have been living my life with the expectation of actually getting pregnant. I've been preparing my body and home for a baby. Living by all the rules, like not drinking wine. Not eating raw fish or soft cheese after ovulation. reading baby and pregnancy blogs. hubby even subscribed us to several baby/parent magazines (which I did Not ask for). But i'm done with that. I'm buying clothes now. I'm drinking wine, and i"m eating whatever I want. And i'm done reading about parenting and babies.

I'm taking my old life back. I'm now living each month without thinking I may be pregnant. I still hope for it, but I no longer think this is the month. I need to keep myself grounded. I will no longer look at other babies and pregnant women and wish I had that. i will not be jealous. I must not get my hopes up each month.

Or at least I need to keep telling myself all this.

What's Coming Up

I finally called my dr yesterday to hear him say what I knew he would tell me. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this (as all of us are). But I I'm totally dreading the next step; the HSG.

He said that hubby should go get a sperm count and I should schedule an HSG around cd 9. Then he used the words clomid and laparoscopy.

I'm not ready to do an HSG although I know I'll need to do it. It totally freaks me out, and not because of what they may discover (although that too), but because I totally fear pain. I have a very low threshold and scared out of my mind to get this test. I know it's probably not that bad considering other tests and surgeries, but I get such anxiety.

When I told hubby he needs to get his sperm checked, he started bitching that he's gotta whack off then hand over his cup-o-sperm to a nurse. Then I told him what I have to go through which shut him up rather quickly.

Oh boy. Don't want to do this. I cry everyday wishing it wasn't so hard. I find out from facebook all the people I know/knew from school are pregnant or just had babies. I also cry because at some point I know I need to tell my mom. She's my best friend and tell her just about everything. But I never told her about our plans and that we've been trying (although hubby slipped a few times about a year ago). I've had this secret for so long and I don't know how much longer I can keep this from her, especially when I have to start going through all these tests. I know she'll offer me great support, but I also don't want the nagging questions, comments and advice.

In the meantime, as I type this I hear Oprah talking about her upcoming show...A pregnant man.

The One Dayer

I literally had my period for One day. It wasn't even heavy. I started to feel those annoyingly mild cramps on Saturday, then by nighttime there was a hint of pinkish on the toilet paper, but no bleeding. When I woke up on Sunday I knew I was getting my period so I put in a tampon. I changed it twice that day, and there wasn't much blood both times. Then by Monday it was totally gone. No brown spotting, nothing.

My periods never last long, usually the 1st day is moderate, light the second day, and then 2-3 days of spotting.

But One day, wtf.

Has this happened to anyone? A one day period?

I know some people might think it's due to stress, but believe me, i'm not stressed. I really don't have a stressful life (I thank my hubby for that). I sometimes wonder if my short, light periods have anything to do with me not getting pregnant.

I didn't call the dr. yet. I should, but i just don't feel like going in and dealing with it this month.

In the meantime, getting my period on Sunday means I had a 28 day cycle. This business trip is getting in the way of valuable bding. I leave on CD 8 and get home CD 13. Hopefully I don't ovulate early this month.

On another note, my sis is doing ok. She went to the dr yesterday and they finally told her she can start walking around, but still take it easy. Her interpretation of this comment is: she can get her nails done and do lunch with her friends, but not allowed to make the bed or do the dishes.

Her baby is doing fine and the blood clot is getting smaller.

I'm already sick and tired of hearing about her and her pregnancy, and it's only been 11 weeks.