The Joy of Baking

I forgot to mention that I have to see my pregnant sister tonight. She's due about the 3rd week of October. She's huge and she walks/sits around like she is the Queen of the City. She talks and acts as if she is the only one who is, or ever has been pregnant. But I think I mentioned this in a past post.

Soooo not what I want to deal with tonight. My emotions are all over the place today. One minute I have tears flowing down my face, the next moment I really think this could be our month. I'm still having those weird ovary pains on my right side, but I have to wait till 3pm to get my blood results and see if I ovulated. The dr said probably, but my stupid expensive fertility monitor says not yet. It gave me only a high reading this morning. So, only blood will tell.

In the meantime, I'm going to make Boston Cream Cupcakes for our holiday dinner tonight. Baking always makes me feel better.

Happy New Year

Went in for my 2nd sonogram this morning. The Dr walked in and said, 'your estrogen is very high'.

Me: "Is that good or bad?"

Dr: "Thats good. It means your responding very well." "Are you doing an iui this cycle?"

Me: "Thats the plan."

I then brought up the fact that my insurance is not covering the iuis, or anything related. I don't have much of a problem paying for the actual iui and wash, but its all the other things, like b/w, sonos, and whatever else. We talked about it briefly, and he was very nice and understanding. But let's just say, I think I'll be paying a lot this month. He said he would try to work with me, but there is just so much he can do because they get audited.

I then put my feet in the stirrups and he continued with the sonogram.

Dr: "Wow, you have a very big ovary."

Me:"is that good or bad?"

Dr: "well, looks like you ovulated yesterday, which means you may not want to do an iui this month."

Say what?! What the fuck. I ovulated already. That sucks! They took some blood to check my progesterone just to be sure, but now I feel like this was a waste, and a bigger waste of money. Now I have to pay for all these visits and not do the iui.

I called hubby immediately and told him not to leave for work and we need to get in another deposit. I rushed home.

So now what. Now I hope and pray. We got in 2 good deposits and I had one good egg.
If it doesn't work this month then we have to really sit down and talk about things, now that I know these treatments aren't covered. The dr said it may be worth our while to get really aggressive with this, especially because finances are playing a roll and I'm almost 34.

I don't know. Before I was just stressing about getting pregnant, but now I have the added financial stress.

Every November we have to re-register and choose our health insurance plan (kinda cool that hubbys work offers that) and we have the opportunity to switch to a few other plans they offer. Believe me, we have the best one right now, but if it doesn't cover trying to get pregnant, then it's not doing us any good right now. Unless I get more tests done to find out the cause of my infertility. Then I'm covered.

It's the Jewish New Year tomorrow. Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll get my new year wish.

Went to the dr today for my ultrasound. It wasn't my regular dr, but this one was pretty nice and explained stuff to me. Too bad my head wasn't all there cause I missed some important info. It was cool to see my uterus and follicles. She said I have 2-3 good ones in my right ovary. Nothing in my left. I'm pretty sure she told me the size of them too, but I missed that part. I also had some blood drawn. I have to go back Mon morning and get another sono to see how my follies progressed. Either I'll get the iui on Mon, or get a trigger shot and schedule the iui for tues. I told hubby he's on call for mon and tues.

===================

I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover any artificial insemination treatments, procedures or any other related services. Fuck. I was on my health insurance site to see what claims have been made etc, and looks like i'm being billed $300 for last months natural iui (not including the sperm wash). Oh shit. hubby is going to flip. I think part of the reason he's ok with these treatments is because I told him that we are covered for 6 iui. I really thought i read that on their site when I was looking things up. Shit. I guess our particular plan doesn't cover it. This isn't good. We're in no position to be paying for all these treatments, shots, sonograms. I mean, I have some money saved, but... not enough to cover all this.

Now I'm totally depressed.

If this treatment doesn't work we'll have to take a break until after the new year. Hopefully we'll be able to change our plan to an HMO and I'm pretty sure certain treatments are covered. It totally sucks though. I won't be able to use my drs or anyone out of the oxford network. Shit. This really sucks. I was really hoping it didn't go this way. Just another thing to make me cry.

Clomid and Crackberry

I started my clomid last night. Tomorrow I have to call the dr. and make an appointment for the ultrasound. It has to be on Friday, cd11, but I know my dr isn't around on Fridays. Well, i guess it's just another stranger looking up my hooha.

Hopefully everything will be great and I'll be ready for my iui next Monday cd14, and with any luck at all, I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.

I had pinkberry for the first time today. We were walking through one of those crap fairs, err, street fairs, and noticed the one by our apartment finally opened. After i mentioned (yet again) that I never had it before, hubby raced in and got a plain with 3 toppings (strawberries, blueberry and mini chocolate chips). I took one bite and well, now i know why they call it crackberry. Damn, that shit is good. Totally fake and not healthy, but so good. So good that you don't even need toppings on it, but I can imagine how delicious the captain crunch is on top (everyones fave).

I am way to cheap and health conscious to buy the stuff, but I'll surely make my own.
I found recipes online that call for Fage yogurt and sugar. I can't wait to make it. But I have to wait till tomorrow when I can go to the store and get what I need.

The crackberry. Pure deliciousness.

I Was Right

My mother fucking period came yesterday.

Now i'm waiting for my dr to call me back. I missed his call yesterday. I was so pissed. I had just got to the office and I heard the last ring on my cell phone. By the time I got to it the voicemail alert rang. I called back immediately and the receptionist said he left for the day and the drs only have a limited time to call patients back, and I should really be available for the drs.

Thanks bitch. But did you ever hear about people having jobs and working so they can pay the drs that charge a shit load of money to do nothing? I mean, if I could sit around all day with the phone strapped to my ass and be at his beck and call, believe me, I would.
Which is exactly what I'm doing today. I'm working from home and walking around with my cell phone attached to my ass. I know he starts phone calls after 2 today and it's now 3:30. So, I'm waiting. And ready to hear that I should start taking clomid this cycle.

I'm trying to build up the strength to call an RE today or tomorrow. I know who I'm going to call. But i have to call my insurance and find out some deets.

Oh the joys of infertility.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Finally the dr called back.

He's calling in a prescription for clomid. I start taking it cd5 then I'll go in cd11 (a friday) and get my ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing. cd14 is on Monday. Cutting it very close around the weekend. I asked about going to an re, and they said lets see what happens with this cycle, and if it doesnt work, then I should go next cycle. Or, he said I could take a break this month.

Break my ass.

Now i gotta tell hubby about this. He's not going to be happy. But i think after my crying fit the other night, he'll be on board with just about anything i say. Hopefully I'm right about this one.

Hoping I'm Wrong

I totally feel my period coming. I have those annoying mild cramps and my boobs are not hurting as much as yesterday.

CD27

Tomorrow will be 14dpiui. I've had several sob sessions today (good thing I'm working from home today). I'm guessing it will show up tomorrow or the next day. This sucks. This sucks so bad.

I still have that tiny bit of hope that I'm wrong. And I refuse to test, but I want to so bad. At this point it's just a waste of money. But I think I'm more afraid not to see that 2nd pink line. So I wait and really test my willpower.

Every time I visit Facebook I find out someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. Today I found out a high school friend is pregnant with her 2nd. Great.

I don't even know what to say or how to feel. My mind is blank, almost numb. All i can think about is what I have to do next. Call an RE. Get more blood work done. Take drugs. Do another iui.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying, then hoping, then being disappointed. But the real sad part is I've just begun this infertility process. We'll be on cycle 18 but treatment #2. This could go on for a lot longer.

Where do people find the strength?

I lied

Remember the other day when I said I don't cry anymore?

I lied.

Yesterday i was riding the subway and i saw a woman get on with her daughter in a stroller. the woman was young and thin with long hair and she reminded me of myself. I was watching her interact with her daughter and then we caught each others eyes. I gave a smirk and looked down because i felt tears swelling my eyes. The rest of the ride home, and even the walk to my apartment my eyes were filled with tears. Not a good day for me.

Today is no better. I'm 97% sure i am not pregnant. Even though my boobs are sore and I've had mild cramps for 4 days, it means nothing. As i look back on my charts I see i've been through the very same things in prior months. But of coarse, I could be (hope I'm) wrong, and will leave that 3% chance.

CD24
10 dpiui

I'm never as optimistic as my period comes near. Right after the iui I was so hopeful and excited. Now I just want my period to come so I can move on to the next treatment.

Next treatment... the thought makes me cry.

Why. Why does it have to be so hard, so painful.

I get it now. Appreciate. I get it. And I do. Much more than if i became pregnant in just a few months.
I appreciate the process. I appreciate the body. I appreciate life. I appreciate love. I appreciate all the lessons learned.

My sister is due in 6 weeks. She carried very big this time. She looks like she can give birth at any minute. I understand everyone is very excited about this event and it's all everyone keeps talking about. But it's so painful for me. It makes me cry.

I must be pmsing because I am so sad, and all I can do is cry.

A Belly Full of Greens

I have nothing new to report besides being mildly crampy for the past 2 days and my boobs getting a bit more tender each day. I know it means nothing. But I'm hoping it means something.

Got some great stuff at my CSA today (eggplant, garlic, rosemary, peppers, tomato, watermelon, squash, celery, salad, collards, beets, eggs, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines). It was very heavy to carry home.

I am so in love with leafy greens lately, thanks to my farm share. Last year they all went to waste, but this year I cook and eat All of them (literally, because hubby doesn't dig them). Today I cooked up beet greens. Most people toss the leafy greens attached to the beets, but when they're tender and beautiful, they are really delicious. I basically use the same recipe for all the greens (swiss chard, collards, spinach, etc). I make a mixture of olive oil, mirin or balsamic vinegar, a little water, salt, pepper, pepper flakes and roast them in my toaster at 400 with some sliced onions or shallots. Sometimes I add a pinch of sugar depending if the greens are really bitter. They start out over flowing the dish, but they cook down to nothing. I'm telling you, they are really delicious. I have no self control and usually finish them before I even plate up dinner. I know, not a good habit and its probably the reason why I'm never hungry for dinner. But I still manage to always finish my plate.

New Food, Better Mood

Everything went according to plan. I got my first peak reading Tuesday morning so we were right on schedule with the iui. We dropped off his sample for washing at 9, and I was inseminated at 11:15. Hubby was in the dr office with me and thought the whole process was very cold. Not surprising that he would say something like that, he didn't want to do it in the first place.

I'm pretty sure i ovulated Tues around 6:30pm. I was so crampy and my nips got so sore. They are still a bit sensitive, but not as bad as when I ovulate.

Now i'm in the tww. The longest 2 weeks ever. Hubby keeps asking how I'm feeling. I think he assumes this is going to work on the first try, kinda like when he thought I would be pregnant the first month we started trying. I specifically told him the day before the iui that it may not work. His response was 'why wouldn't it work.' And he was asking when he said this, it was more like a statement, like of coarse it will, there is no reason why it shouldn't.

I find it hard to be hopeful these days. I can hardly see myself pregnant, let alone holding my own child. I used to be so optimistic about getting and being pregnant, but this experience has taught me otherwise. I feel differently towards my infertility now. I don't cry anymore. There were months when I was crying everyday. In the shower, walking the dog, on the train, anywhere, anytime. It was terrible. I'm certainly more accepting now. I know we have a problem, i'm willing to accept it and do what we have to do. Sure, it's not how I imagined things would be, but it sure has made me a stronger person. And I think a better person. I definitely have a greater appreciation for life. All life.

I'm trying to stay positive and want to think I actually have a chance this month. To keep my mind busy, I did one of my favorite things to do: food shop. I go to this one particular store in the city that has isles upon isles of gourmet and imported foods. They have everything there. Plus they have the largest organic/vegan section I know of in the city. Well, except for Whole Foods. But WF is about triple the price. Anyway, I love to go there and find new product and try new foods. Of coarse I try to stick with the non processed foods, but once in a while I splurge.

Some new foods that I bought today:
lychee (which I've had but never bought)
black velvet apricot (very deep purple, not as sweet as I wanted)
dill (I love dill but never buy it because hubby Hates it, so not sure what to do with it yet)
CrispyDelites (low fat, dehydrated veggie chips)
and the one thing I've been looking for for months, So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt. I'm not a huge soy fan (due to all the processing), and I've heard all great things about this yogurt. I can't wait to try it!

I get happy just talking about food. I think I'll go eat some more lychees.

Not Today

i feel like such a liar.

No iui for me today.

Woke up early this morning to find out that I only had a high reading on my cbfm. Still no peak. This is the first time i'm getting 3 days of high readings.

I canceled my appointment for this morning, again. And now i'm hoping i'll get a peak reading tomorrow and go to my dr for the iui. Just like the original plan.

Wow, what a sucky, annoying weekend. I try to mentally prepare myself for the treatment, and get up super early to be fresh and awake. Such disappointment.

I guess this is why everyone opts for the trigger shot.